New blog!

I made a new one, cause I'm restless like that.

http://keyjester.blogspot.com/

Up and down, and up again

It's been a roller coaster week, that's for sure.

Most of the week was spent helping out a friend of mine paint her new apartment, and it involved a lot of early mornings and extremely sore muscles. Last weekend was a blast, as we spent the entire weekend at her apartment. Friday ended up out on town and drinking way too much alcohol (I couldn't even stand on my feet when we came back to her place), and Saturday we were hung over and snowed in. It was hilarious, and we had a lot of fun just painting and nursing ourselves. Can't actually remember the last time I had that much fun, and it was sorely needed cause I've been extremely down lately.

Had a very good appointment with my psychologist earlier this week, which gave a rather heavy boost to my mood, and it made me see that I might just have a future after all. My big dream is to own my own gaming company, and after a lot of encouragement from my psychologist and my best and most dearest friend in the entire world I think I might be able to pull that off. I mean, why not? At least I'm gonna do some research on the matter and see if I'll be able to make it happen.

As for my mood and my sanity, things are as up and down as they've always been. I can feel that I'm extremely depressed, and I get sad about anything and everything, but I'm forcing myself to smile through it all with the hope that if I just smile long enough, the pain will somehow disappear. Don't know if that'll work in the long run, but so far it's been the only thing that has kept me from drowning myself. And that has got to count for something, right?

I've had a very lonely weekend, but that's really nothing new, so I've just learned to ignore that. Hopefully next week will be a good one, and maybe I can somehow manage to do something fun next weekend to make me feel better about this one.

I'm still feeling scared and lost, but I'm praying that things'll change and that I'll somehow find something to hold on to.

Someday, somehow, the pain has got to stop.
At least that's what I want to believe.

Rambling

I feel really lost. Really, truly and seriously lost.

What am I to do with my life? What am I to do with myself?

I'm 26, and I've dug myself so far down my own hole that I'm scared I'll never make it out again. Where did I go wrong? When and where was that wrong turn I did that made me end up where I am now? And will I ever be able to fix it? Will I ever be able to feel good about myself, and my life, and just be happy? Down here in my dark little hole, it's practically impossible to any speck of light, and it scares me.

What did I do wrong in life, that brought all of this upon me?

I'm so scared, and I don't think anyone can truly understand just how insanely scared I am. When I sit here, alone, and feel no joy at all, nothing but hopelessness, lack of energy, and just drown in this immense loneliness, I get truly scared. Though I can't really say what it is that I'm afraid of. I'm just so scared. And I truly fear that this is how I'm going to live the rest of my life. Chocked to death by fear.

I don't want to be sent away. How many times have I said that, and thought that? I don't want to be sent away. I don't want them to submit me to a psychiatric clinic for several months, miles away from everything known and safe, and with strangers all around me. I can't even begin to describe how much I don't want this. But no one sees that. No one hears me screaming. They all just drown my words with their own, forcing their thoughts and opinions down my throat until I feel like I can't breathe anymore. Why? Why, why, why? It's as if they don't want to understand. They tell me it's cause they care, but if they truly did care, would they force me to do something I truly and honestly do not want to do?

I've been trying to think of the future lately, but it just leaves me even more scared than before. Do I even have a future? I mean, I have no education. I've spent most of my life being too "sick" to work. And I haven't found a single thing that I don't tire of, and truly enjoy doing. I can't even find the energy to do the things I actually do enjoy doing. So how am I to find a job? To get a proper income, and buy a proper home? I can't see a future ahead of me. I just can't. And that scares me.

I want to write; I've got so many stories in my head I want to get out, but all my writing projects fail even before they're started. I just can't seem to get it all out, and down on paper for someone else to see. How am I supposed to spend my life writing when everything I want to write refuse to come out? And I want to draw; I've got endless pictures inside my head, but I can't seem to get anything done. The empty paper just stares at me and the pencil feels so heavy in my hand. The images are there, yet they won't come out. I don't have the energy for it. So how am I supposed to make a living through my drawings when I can't get myself to draw anything? And I want so badly to design; I'm nearly drowning in ideas, but for some reasons I can't make the ideas real. Every time I try to sit down and get the ideas down, I go blank, or it comes out wrong and looks horrible. And I just keep thinking to myself; are these ideas really worth anything, or are they all just crap? So how am I to make a living as a designer, when all the designs just stay inside my head instead of getting created?

I can't even count how many times I've started on some project, only to give up before I've even gotten half way. Obviously, the problem here is me. I can't really see anything else. I gotta change everything about me, about who I am, to fix my life. There really isn't any other solution.

Gotta admit, the first thing that pops to mind is to get a rifle and find a suitable spot on top of a building in the middle of town and just take out random people until I've had enough and take out myself. Of course, I know that's not much of a solution, but it's sounding pretty damned tempting. At least it'll fix something. It'll get me out of all this.

I don't know... Maybe watching TV when I'm too tired to do anything, and too bored to do nothing, isn't good for me. I get strange ideas.

I want a different life.

But more than that, I want the strength to change my life.

Tired of being invisble

I just did something I never thought I'd do. I actually wrote to a public magazine about my troubles, asking for advice.

I guess I've just come to a point where I can't keep bottling things up anymore, so I had to get it all out somehow. I don't know if it'll be put in the magazine, or replied to, but at least it helped just to write things down. I broke down in the middle of writing, and finished up the e-mail in tears, but it actually felt kind of good. Like I got something out.

I also read the latest comment a friend of mine had given me on my last blog entry, and it made me cry even more. I completely broke down, and I'm still crying, cause it felt so unbearably good to have someone see me. To feel that someone cared.

To be seen, or heard, is just about the only thing I want right now.

I just feel so invisible and alone these days, and it hurts so much. I don't really have anyone I can turn to anymore. The two beings closest to me (whom I love more than anything) have so much to worry about, and I just don't have the conscience to bother them. My mother don't need more things to worry about right now, cause she's already worn down by a lot of things, and I feel like I'm imposing if I contact my best friend. I feel like I'm too demanding if I ask a bit of her time, when I know she's got so much to do, so I don't even dare call her anymore.

Out of pure desperation, I just sat down and wrote that e-mail to the magazine. I had been reading through an issue I had bought a while back for the big horoscope folder that comes with it, and the thought just dropped into my head. Why don't I write to them? They have special spaces in each issue that are dedicated to letters from their readers where people ask for help and advice for a lot of things, so why not. Couldn't hurt, right?

So, yeah. Now I'm just gonna wait and see if I get any response on it.
It's the only thing I could think of right now.
I need to get out of this hole, somehow.

Be kind, rewind

I wish life had come with a rewind button...

I am feeling so much like crap these days, and I just want to burrow myself down deep below something and rot there. My mood is horrible, I'm so depressed that I want to just shoot myself, and I'm so insanely lonely that it physically hurts to breathe. And yet I can't seem to find the strength to do anything about it, so I just sit here in my misery and cry.

It feels like no one sees me, or hears me, and I'm left all alone with my pain.

Needless to say, it hurts like a bitch...



Just like I knew it would, my birthday still bothers me. I wish I could just go back in time and do it all over, so that it wouldn't hurt as much when I think about it. It was a complete and utter failure, and possibly the worst birthday I've ever had in my entire life. The entire week before it was horrible, the day before it was a complete catastrophe, the actual day was lonely and miserable, while the day after was just empty. I never really celebrated it, and neither did anyone else. Got some texts on my cellphone, and some greetings on facebook, but that's about it. Had coffee the day after, with a cake, and I got presents from all of my parents, my brother and my grandparents. The rest of the world? Didn't seem to care. Didn't get as much as a card or anything from the rest of my family or friends.

So yeah, I wish I could go back in time and celebrate it. Maybe turn it into a good memory instead of a bad one. Right now I just feel like drowning myself every time I think about it. Well, these days I just feel like drowning myself no matter what I do...



Why does it always have to be like this? I'm so tired now. So tired of feeling miserable and alone, and so tired of feeling like no one sees me. It feels like I'm screaming at a wall. Nobody's listening... I want to run away. Just disappear. See if anyone even notice that I'm gone... Or even care. It's not like I'm needed here anyway. No one ever needs me. No one ever has. I'm just a flaw in this world's design, an unwanted extra addition no one needs. That's the way it's always been.

I just don't get it. Why do I even bother? I try, and try, and try so hard, but nothing I do matters. So why do I keep on trying? Why am I that stupid?
Why can't I just leave? Just take off, and leave everything behind.

Right now, that's all I really want.
There just isn't any point in staying here anymore...

The world is such a fucked up place

Yes, I am in a ranting mood, so sit your friggin' ass down and listen to me.

The world is a fucked up place, and it ruins people. Good people with good purposes get worn down and after a while they sink down into the mud and disappear. Some even kill themselves. Why? Because the world creates ideals that are impossible to reach, making people feel bad about themselves. There's nothing wrong with YOU! It's the world you live in that's the problem.

Places like Facebook makes me so god damned depressed and angry. It's like the place has been designed only to throw it in your face how much better everyone else around you is and how much of a failure you are. It just helps the general world in wearing down the good people.

I know some beautiful people. And I mean really beautiful. My best friend is the most gorgeous woman alive, in every possible way, and she's got a beautiful body and a lovely face. And despite this she has issues with her own weight and appearance, simply because there are idiots out there that lives by the ideals the world sets and tells her she doesn't meet those ideals. It's just a bunch of crap, if you ask me. She's beautiful, and if they can't see it then they're the ones there's something wrong with. My mother has the same issue, feeling like she's overweight and not pretty enough, even though she's such a gorgeous woman that so many look up to. I've always bragged about having the most beautiful mum, and it's not just pretend. She is beautiful. But the world makes her believe otherwise. Idiot world. And my sisters, my gorgeous sisters, are so pretty in every possible way, and I admire them so much. But I know they have their issues. One of them is constantly trying to loose weight, thinking herself to be overweight despite the fact that she's thin as a nail! She is so perfect just the way she is, both of them are, but again the world is a fucked up place and won't let them see that.

I know a lot of beautiful and good people, and yet they see themselves as less than crap because the world gets to them. It gets to me too, making me feel like a worthless shit because I'm sick and don't have a proper job or friends or whatever else the world obviously think is important that you have. I am so sick and tired of it, and I'm so damned sick of feeling like I'm nothing but toxic waste just because I'm not 'perfect' like the world wants me to be.

I know I've got faults and issues - damn it, I live with them every day so of course I know! - and I have my bad days. I get depressed easily, I've got self-esteem problems, and I always believe that I am worthless in the eyes of others so I stay away from people thinking they're better off without me as lump in their lives. Facebook pisses me off cause in there I see daily how much better other people's lives are, them having jobs or going to school, having homes they love, having a bunch of friends they hang out with, and just generally are so much more accomplished in life than I am. It's a constant reminder thrown in my face every time I log in to that site.

Why does it have to be that way? For years I've always had the idea that there was something wrong with me, cause I can't seem to fit into the world in a perfect way. But in the end, there's not me there's something wrong with. It's the world. It's those idiotic ideals the world creates, then throws into people's faces and have them long for them, making them feel bad about themselves for not reaching those ideals.

Why do you have to be less perfect just because you don't have this or that thing, or look exactly like that, or have that specific weight, or know those specific things? The world is a fucked up place, out to ruin every good soul out there that deserves so much more.

Ignore the world. Ignore it's ideals. Be YOU! Feel good about being YOU! And be effin' proud of who YOU are! Don't listen to the idiotic world and what it tells you. Just tell the world to go to hell, cause you certainly don't need it! You're so much better than it. Because YOU, you're absolutely perfect, with all your flaws and ticks and god knows what. It's what makes you who you are, and you're gorgeous! And never forget; there's always someone out there who loves YOU for who YOU are, no matter who you are or what you're like.

If we all just learned to love ourselves a little more, then maybe in the end the world would become a better place. Cause right now, the world is shit, and it makes us all feel like shit.

I know I, for one, is tired of feeling like shit.

Toxic Waste

Is what I am...

I've had one of the worst nights ever. Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare, and way too little proper sleep. I feel absolutely exhausted. The last thing that happened was that I somehow got stuck in a loop where I kept waking up and tried to get out of bed, only to find out that I wasn't awake after all. It was bloody awful, and when I finally woke up for real I sat up so quickly in bed that the entire body ached, and I had to keep telling me that I was awake now and mustn't fall asleep again.

I feel like I've been chewed on...

Apparently I'm not the only one who has had a rough night. Mum hadn't slept much cause she has had some trouble with her feet aching so much that she wished she could cut them off. Doesn't sound pleasant... And my poor sister has had nightmares as well, according to her blog. I suppose it was just one of those bad nights.

Dunno about the rest of the world, cause right now I really don't feel like logging on to that damned facebook thing to check. Don't really see why I should bother, cause the place is just a constant reminder about how little I am worth and that I really don't have much of a life compared to the rest of the people in there. I am nothing but toxic waste.

I am feeling better now, truly. I figured out that it was that specific place that made me depressed, so now that I haven't checked it since Saturday I feel a bit better. Of course, it makes me feel a bit left out and I'm constantly wondering how everyone's doing, but it's a small price to pay I suppose. I feel enough unloved as it is, without that place constantly throwing it in my face.

Sites like that always make me feel this way. Alone and worthless. And it's not a good feeling... I guess it just hurts to see how accomplished people seem to be, and how many friends they have, and how much fun they have together, when my life seems to be standing still with nothing but misery. And I am fully aware that it's my own fault that my life is like this. If only I hadn't been sick... If only I hadn't had all these annoying issues... If only I could have a proper job... If only I could have a better home... If only, if only, if only. The most repeated words in my entire thought system.

I guess I'm just tired of feeling like toxic waste. I wish I had the strength to change that. But what can I do? I don't even have the strength to log on to facebook and check that bloody thing, so how could I ever have the strength to fix my life? It seems so hopeless. And I feel so powerless...

Something tells me I might be in for a rough week, when this is how the entire week starts. Nightmares and feeling like crap. Oh joy.

The tiny little part of me that still holds a miniature shred of a hope? Yeah, it hopes for something good to happen, like it always does. It would've been nice... And a welcomed change in my life.

The world on ignore

Bad day, and I don't even know why.

I've been really down for weeks now, but today the world just decided to slap my depression in my face, for no real reason at all, and it made me hate it even more. I think maybe I just need that big ignore button and push it back in the face of the world. Today, and probably for a while onwards, I'm just gonna ignore its existence and focus on something else.

I don't even know what my problem is anymore, aside from the fact that I just generally don't get along with the world. I've never felt like I've fitted in, and I've longed for other worlds my entire life. Sometimes it just comes to a point where I've had enough, and need a break. Dunno how you take a break from the world, tho...

I think maybe it's cause it's weekend. I hate weekends. I sit alone and stare at the computer screen with nothing to do, and it just helps to add to the feeling of being utterly alone and that I have no life here. I have no friends I can spend time with, cause I grow tired of people after no time at all, and I just don't feel like I've got anyone here that I can turn to when I need some love and attention. Everyone's got their perfect little circles of loved ones, and I just feel left out. I envy them. I wish I could have such close relationships to people, and be able to just go out and have fun with someone. Instead I'm left here alone, in a tiny apartment, with nothing but my own miserable company.

And we all know how much I hate my own company.

*sigh* I need something good in my life. Something that cheers me up and make me feel good. But the way I grow so quickly tired of things, as well as people, I really don't see that happening any time soon, if at all.

I have no path. No real reason to exist. I feel like a big ugly lump on the world's ass, to put it in a nice way. I just don't feel like I belong, or have any real reason to be here. And every now and then, that feeling gets so intense that it becomes plain unbearable. And that's when I just need to put everything on ignore and nurse my newly opened wounds. It's like they'll never heal at all...

I'm just one big open wound, infected by dirt.

I'm tired of it all.

Put it out of its misery

Is what comes to mind when I ponder on what to do with myself...

My apartment is a mess, and it's taking forever to tidy things up. I move two things, and my body start to tremble and I have to sit down for a while to relax and calm myself. You can safely say that things are being done at the pace of a snail in here. And, then there's the matter with the bills... Due to a misunderstanding, I have to pay the rent for my apartment from October and until January THIS MONTH! I don't have that kind of money! And then there's the electricity bill, and internet bill, and a couple of other small ones, and not to mention the issue with the old school loan that's still hunting me. And I have no money! I have no idea how to get through this...


I keep praying for divine intervention, cause right now my life is such a big mess that I don't think I'll ever be able to fix things. I have no idea what to do. Everything's so chaotic, and all I want to do is crawl beneath something and just die there. I can find a shred of hope within me, cause right now everything just seems so hopeless. I want to give up. I want to just disappear. To simply stop existing...

I am fighting myself, daily. Most of me just want to die and be done with it, but there's one small part of me that is too stubborn to let go and just keeps on crawling forward while ignoring the rest of me. I feel like I'm being torn apart by it all, and I have no idea what to do about it.

I sleep for 12 hours, and most of that sleep is restless and full of dreams. When I finally crawl out of bed I feel like I've been run over. And I look like it too. My reflection in the mirror scares me to death, cause I don't think I've ever seen myself look so down and lifeless. My eyes have turned gray - and they used to be such a brilliant blue - my skin is icky, and my hair is horribly lifeless. I look like a ghost. And every time I see myself, I just want to cry cause it's so horrible to see myself this way. I've never looked this bad before...

And then there's the matter of the clinic. My mum keeps mentioning it, and I keep telling her to please don't talk about it. I'd rather not think about the fact that I'll be sent away for 3 long months, to be spent some strange and alien place with doctors I've never seen before. Just the thought makes me want to run away and never look back. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I DON'T WANT TO GO! I really don't want to... But no one understands. No one hears me when I speak, no one sees me when I look at them. It's like I'm nothing to the world but a lump they want to get rid of. They just don't understand. And I don't know if I can make them understand. The only reason for why I am agreeing to be sent up there is because I don't want to be in their way anymore. I'm only leaving because they don't want me here. Because THEY want me to go. Like everything else in my life, I'm not doing it for myself...

And now I'm angry! I'm so damned angry, and frustrated, and depressed, and I just feel so utterly hopeless that I just want to go outside and scream as loud as I possibly can. GOD DAMN IT, SEE ME! HEAR ME! Understand me.

I'm ready to give up. I'm ready to lay down and die. I'm ready to just disappear. So why? Why, why, why can't something just please come and save me from it all? Take me away from this world, the misery and the chaos I'm neck-deep in, and let me be free of it all. Why can't anyone see that the solution isn't in sending me away to some foreign place and leave me to be alone there with nothing safe to cling to but my own self? I fear I just might go insane if I do...

No one hears me if I scream. They can't even see me. What's the point of even trying anymore?

Birthday blues

I had the loneliest birthday ever...

I've had birthday anxieties since I turned 20, and this year wasn't much better. The entire week before my birthday I was in a bad mood, depressed and just generally feeling like shit, and I started getting existence issues again. I simply didn't want to exist. And then the day before my birthday came.

It was a horrible day, and I knew it the moment I woke up from a nightmare and stumbled out of bed that this was a day I'd rather just avoid. I was heavily depressed all day, just wanting to disappear or stop existing. I seriously had to struggle to get myself to keep on breathing the entire day. And so, as people came over, I simply retreated and hoped to ignore my own head and the anxiety I had been fighting all day. But things didn't work out well, and I did a horrible thing, letting my weakness get the better of me and making the dearest being alive pay for my lack of strength. I am so horribly ashamed of it, and truly sorry, cause she certainly didn't deserve to be put in the middle of my misery. No one does.

But at least I learned from it, cause now I know I'll never take anyone down with me when I fall ever again. The next time I stumble - and I know it'll be a next time - I'll simply go down alone. Cause that'll hurt less than what it does when I know I've hurt someone else with my problems. Especially when it's someone so dear to me.

But, that put behind, we did go out for a drink and I actually had a somewhat decent time. I felt like crap the entire evening, yes, but at least it felt good to be out and at least trying to have fun, if nothing else. It was the day after, my actual birthday, that really ruined me.

My dearest being was broken after the night before, and ended up going to her mother to stay the night there, so after my trip to town with mum I was left alone in an empty apartment that wasn't even mine. I'll be honest and say that it was absolutely horrible. On top of general birthday anxieties and the aftershocks of the night before and how my head got the best of me, I was now utterly alone in a place that wasn't even my home. I'll be honest; the thought of just ending things crossed my mind more than once. But, knowing that this wasn't my home, and that eventually the owner - my most dearest being - would come home and would have to clean up my remains, I managed to keep from it. Instead I packed up all my things, tidied the place up a bit, and made myself ready to move out and into my own apartment again. I found that to be the only solution to things.

So it was a horrible birthday. Really horrible. It's one that won't be leaving my mind in the nearest future, if at all. Though, of course, admitting this in front of anyone? Never. People have enough trouble with their selves, and I've sworn to never take anyone down with me ever again, so I'd rather just grin and bare it in front of them so not to burden them further with my problems. They need not worry any more than what they already do.



So, here I sit, alone in my own apartment - which, by the way, is a chaotic mess - and just wish with all my might that things could've been different. And I pray, I pray so hard, that I'll be able to stay here by myself and not end up doing something stupid. I need to fight my way through this, somehow, and hopefully emerge victorious at the end. What more can I do? It's been 26 years of misery, my life, so there really isn't anything to do but to keep fighting that misery. Maybe one day, I'll be allowed that happiness I've been seeking all those years. Or so, at least, I hope.

New year - old updates

It's been a while, hasn't it..? Yeah, I know..

We're well over in the new year now, and I'm praying with all that I've got that this new year brings entirely new things, because if I have to go through another year like the last one then I won't manage to live long. Last year nearly killed me, on several levels, and I just don't want to go through that again.


I can see the pain on the outside of me now. The face that meets mine in the mirror shows tired gray eyes, lifeless skin, and dead hair. I look tormented. Yet I have no idea what it is that torments me so. Is it the past year that took too much of me, is it the fact that I'm nearing my birthday and I'm having the yearly growing old anxieties, is it all the pain around me that has befallen my loved ones, or is there something else that I've yet to figure out? I have no idea. But the pain and depressions is so painfully obvious to me now, that it's even hard to breathe sometimes. My heart beats irregularly, leaving me gasping for breath, and the fear grasps my chest with claws made of cold steel. Something's terribly wrong. But I can't seem to see what...

I have finally agreed to be submitted for a long term treatment. The papers have been sent up north to the clinic they want me submitted to, and now we're just waiting for an answer to see when I have to go there. I honestly, truly and deeply don't want to. I am only doing this to please those around me that worry so much about me, so that I can lift the burden that is I from their shoulders. I know they're tired of worrying, and only want me to get the help they think they can't give me. I'm just too tiresome for them. But, the truth is, I'd rather not go. Hell, I'd do anything to be able to get out of this mess, and don't go.

I just wish I could someone find that speck of light within myself that I have lost, to gain the strength I need to battle all the pain that's around me, and inside me.

I see so many of my closest loved ones being in pain, and I wish so dearly that I could just take it all away. I truly don't want anyone to have to endure the pain they endure daily. I'd give anything to be able to take all that pain with me and just disappear from the world, allowing them to be free of all that pain. And allowing myself to finally escape mine...

It hurts. Deep inside me it hurts terribly.

And I don't know why.



When it comes to life in general, there really isn't much improvement to speak of. I'm still living with a friend of mine, putting my heavy burden on her already heavy shoulders, because I can't seem to live by myself. It is a bitter defeat to know that I own my own apartment, and yet can't seem to get myself to live there. I am stuck depending on others, like I always have. It's not that there's anything wrong with the apartment, cause it's a lovely little place, but it's just that my head's not being nice with me. As usual.

I'm doing weekly sessions with my doc, yet can't seem to find any significant improvement on that matter either. Still not working, so most days I sit in my friend's apartment and do absolutely nothing. Which is boring. But I can't find the energy to do anything about it. I am absolutely drained these days, for some strange reason, and I have times where I am so lacking in energy that it physically hurts to move. It's the strangest thing..

My head is filled with so many chaotic thoughts, and hundreds of ideas, yet I can't seem to do anything about it. Everything just swirls around inside, and I am completely unable to let any of it out. It's like all the exits are blocked by something. And it gives me a headache.

What am I to do?


I'm on medication - anti-depressives - and I do feel that they are working a little, but truth be told they aren't working enough. These days I feel like I'm falling further and further down a black hole of some sorts, and I am losing more and more of myself. On a daily basis I feel that just existing is painful, and I wish I could escape. But for the sake of those around me, I try to grin and bare it. I try to keep a mask on, so not to worry them further. I have caused them enough worry this past year, and they don't deserve to be put through any more of it. So I try, and I try, and I try. Even as I keep falling, I try to keep walking onwards. Maybe some day I'll finally make it out of this. Maybe.