Toxic Waste

Is what I am...

I've had one of the worst nights ever. Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare, and way too little proper sleep. I feel absolutely exhausted. The last thing that happened was that I somehow got stuck in a loop where I kept waking up and tried to get out of bed, only to find out that I wasn't awake after all. It was bloody awful, and when I finally woke up for real I sat up so quickly in bed that the entire body ached, and I had to keep telling me that I was awake now and mustn't fall asleep again.

I feel like I've been chewed on...

Apparently I'm not the only one who has had a rough night. Mum hadn't slept much cause she has had some trouble with her feet aching so much that she wished she could cut them off. Doesn't sound pleasant... And my poor sister has had nightmares as well, according to her blog. I suppose it was just one of those bad nights.

Dunno about the rest of the world, cause right now I really don't feel like logging on to that damned facebook thing to check. Don't really see why I should bother, cause the place is just a constant reminder about how little I am worth and that I really don't have much of a life compared to the rest of the people in there. I am nothing but toxic waste.

I am feeling better now, truly. I figured out that it was that specific place that made me depressed, so now that I haven't checked it since Saturday I feel a bit better. Of course, it makes me feel a bit left out and I'm constantly wondering how everyone's doing, but it's a small price to pay I suppose. I feel enough unloved as it is, without that place constantly throwing it in my face.

Sites like that always make me feel this way. Alone and worthless. And it's not a good feeling... I guess it just hurts to see how accomplished people seem to be, and how many friends they have, and how much fun they have together, when my life seems to be standing still with nothing but misery. And I am fully aware that it's my own fault that my life is like this. If only I hadn't been sick... If only I hadn't had all these annoying issues... If only I could have a proper job... If only I could have a better home... If only, if only, if only. The most repeated words in my entire thought system.

I guess I'm just tired of feeling like toxic waste. I wish I had the strength to change that. But what can I do? I don't even have the strength to log on to facebook and check that bloody thing, so how could I ever have the strength to fix my life? It seems so hopeless. And I feel so powerless...

Something tells me I might be in for a rough week, when this is how the entire week starts. Nightmares and feeling like crap. Oh joy.

The tiny little part of me that still holds a miniature shred of a hope? Yeah, it hopes for something good to happen, like it always does. It would've been nice... And a welcomed change in my life.