My apartment is a mess, and it's taking forever to tidy things up. I move two things, and my body start to tremble and I have to sit down for a while to relax and calm myself. You can safely say that things are being done at the pace of a snail in here. And, then there's the matter with the bills... Due to a misunderstanding, I have to pay the rent for my apartment from October and until January THIS MONTH! I don't have that kind of money! And then there's the electricity bill, and internet bill, and a couple of other small ones, and not to mention the issue with the old school loan that's still hunting me. And I have no money! I have no idea how to get through this...
I keep praying for divine intervention, cause right now my life is such a big mess that I don't think I'll ever be able to fix things. I have no idea what to do. Everything's so chaotic, and all I want to do is crawl beneath something and just die there. I can find a shred of hope within me, cause right now everything just seems so hopeless. I want to give up. I want to just disappear. To simply stop existing...
I am fighting myself, daily. Most of me just want to die and be done with it, but there's one small part of me that is too stubborn to let go and just keeps on crawling forward while ignoring the rest of me. I feel like I'm being torn apart by it all, and I have no idea what to do about it.
I sleep for 12 hours, and most of that sleep is restless and full of dreams. When I finally crawl out of bed I feel like I've been run over. And I look like it too. My reflection in the mirror scares me to death, cause I don't think I've ever seen myself look so down and lifeless. My eyes have turned gray - and they used to be such a brilliant blue - my skin is icky, and my hair is horribly lifeless. I look like a ghost. And every time I see myself, I just want to cry cause it's so horrible to see myself this way. I've never looked this bad before...
And then there's the matter of the clinic. My mum keeps mentioning it, and I keep telling her to please don't talk about it. I'd rather not think about the fact that I'll be sent away for 3 long months, to be spent some strange and alien place with doctors I've never seen before. Just the thought makes me want to run away and never look back. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I DON'T WANT TO GO! I really don't want to... But no one understands. No one hears me when I speak, no one sees me when I look at them. It's like I'm nothing to the world but a lump they want to get rid of. They just don't understand. And I don't know if I can make them understand. The only reason for why I am agreeing to be sent up there is because I don't want to be in their way anymore. I'm only leaving because they don't want me here. Because THEY want me to go. Like everything else in my life, I'm not doing it for myself...
And now I'm angry! I'm so damned angry, and frustrated, and depressed, and I just feel so utterly hopeless that I just want to go outside and scream as loud as I possibly can. GOD DAMN IT, SEE ME! HEAR ME! Understand me.
I'm ready to give up. I'm ready to lay down and die. I'm ready to just disappear. So why? Why, why, why can't something just please come and save me from it all? Take me away from this world, the misery and the chaos I'm neck-deep in, and let me be free of it all. Why can't anyone see that the solution isn't in sending me away to some foreign place and leave me to be alone there with nothing safe to cling to but my own self? I fear I just might go insane if I do...
No one hears me if I scream. They can't even see me. What's the point of even trying anymore?
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