New year - old updates

It's been a while, hasn't it..? Yeah, I know..

We're well over in the new year now, and I'm praying with all that I've got that this new year brings entirely new things, because if I have to go through another year like the last one then I won't manage to live long. Last year nearly killed me, on several levels, and I just don't want to go through that again.


I can see the pain on the outside of me now. The face that meets mine in the mirror shows tired gray eyes, lifeless skin, and dead hair. I look tormented. Yet I have no idea what it is that torments me so. Is it the past year that took too much of me, is it the fact that I'm nearing my birthday and I'm having the yearly growing old anxieties, is it all the pain around me that has befallen my loved ones, or is there something else that I've yet to figure out? I have no idea. But the pain and depressions is so painfully obvious to me now, that it's even hard to breathe sometimes. My heart beats irregularly, leaving me gasping for breath, and the fear grasps my chest with claws made of cold steel. Something's terribly wrong. But I can't seem to see what...

I have finally agreed to be submitted for a long term treatment. The papers have been sent up north to the clinic they want me submitted to, and now we're just waiting for an answer to see when I have to go there. I honestly, truly and deeply don't want to. I am only doing this to please those around me that worry so much about me, so that I can lift the burden that is I from their shoulders. I know they're tired of worrying, and only want me to get the help they think they can't give me. I'm just too tiresome for them. But, the truth is, I'd rather not go. Hell, I'd do anything to be able to get out of this mess, and don't go.

I just wish I could someone find that speck of light within myself that I have lost, to gain the strength I need to battle all the pain that's around me, and inside me.

I see so many of my closest loved ones being in pain, and I wish so dearly that I could just take it all away. I truly don't want anyone to have to endure the pain they endure daily. I'd give anything to be able to take all that pain with me and just disappear from the world, allowing them to be free of all that pain. And allowing myself to finally escape mine...

It hurts. Deep inside me it hurts terribly.

And I don't know why.



When it comes to life in general, there really isn't much improvement to speak of. I'm still living with a friend of mine, putting my heavy burden on her already heavy shoulders, because I can't seem to live by myself. It is a bitter defeat to know that I own my own apartment, and yet can't seem to get myself to live there. I am stuck depending on others, like I always have. It's not that there's anything wrong with the apartment, cause it's a lovely little place, but it's just that my head's not being nice with me. As usual.

I'm doing weekly sessions with my doc, yet can't seem to find any significant improvement on that matter either. Still not working, so most days I sit in my friend's apartment and do absolutely nothing. Which is boring. But I can't find the energy to do anything about it. I am absolutely drained these days, for some strange reason, and I have times where I am so lacking in energy that it physically hurts to move. It's the strangest thing..

My head is filled with so many chaotic thoughts, and hundreds of ideas, yet I can't seem to do anything about it. Everything just swirls around inside, and I am completely unable to let any of it out. It's like all the exits are blocked by something. And it gives me a headache.

What am I to do?


I'm on medication - anti-depressives - and I do feel that they are working a little, but truth be told they aren't working enough. These days I feel like I'm falling further and further down a black hole of some sorts, and I am losing more and more of myself. On a daily basis I feel that just existing is painful, and I wish I could escape. But for the sake of those around me, I try to grin and bare it. I try to keep a mask on, so not to worry them further. I have caused them enough worry this past year, and they don't deserve to be put through any more of it. So I try, and I try, and I try. Even as I keep falling, I try to keep walking onwards. Maybe some day I'll finally make it out of this. Maybe.