The winter princess that is I

Because I got commented on my outfit twice yesterday. Some random lady told me that I looked like some winter princess or something, because I was all dressed in white. Then some other random guy asked me if I came straight from a wedding, cause I looked like a bride. Apparently I look pretty in my all-white winter clothes. It's nice.

Yeah, I know, I've been horrible with the blogging lately. I blame it on life being way too chaotic for its own good, and a long while of being without internet. Stuff like that makes it hard for me to keep updating this place properly. But, I figured I should give the world a little nudge, and let it know that I'm still alive. Somewhat.

So, now you'll all get an update on life in general, my physical health, and my mental health, divided into those three sections so you can choose what you want to get updated on and what you don't need to know.


LIFE IN GENERAL

Life have been chaotic, to say the least. A lot of stress with the apartment and everything else around me, and no real time to take it easy. Don't think I've had a proper day of relaxing in so long, that I can't even remember what that's like. Annoying, but whatever.

The progress on my apartment is good, though extremely slow. My health have kept me from getting things done at a reasonable pace. But all the painting is done now, and I've got all the furniture in place, so all that is left is to unpack the rest of my stuff from their boxes and put things in place along with decorating. I've got all the kitchen stuff neatly organized in my kitchen cabinets (and it looks good, I might add), and have more or less decided on what goes where elsewhere in the apartment.

I am hoping that I'll get to have my housewarming party in the coming weekend, so I can actually move in and enjoy my new home. It's been a month or so now, since I got the keys, so I am eager to get settled in. Yesterday I looked through my boxes and found that I have only three boxes left to unpack, along with all my boxes with my work (lots of paperwork and all that jazz), and a couple of large bags with pillows and duvets that needs to be emptied. It's starting to look good.

Still living with a friend of mine (she's the best ever, letting me take up so much of her space like this), and even though it's the best place in the world to be right now, I do feel that it'll be nice to get settled into my own home soon. Also, I think it'll be good for her to finally be able to kick me out so she can get some peace and quiet for once.

No other real news about life in general though, since the apartment have taken up most of my time and left me unable to do anything else. I'm really looking forward to x-mas this year, by the way, and I've already started shopping for presents for people. I want to get nice presents this year, even though I can't afford it, just because I know it'll make me feel good. Maybe I should think up clever ways of getting some extra money...?

Other than that, I've done some baking, learned to make some new nifty food thingies, and tonight I'll see if I can get hold of this guy that'll help me get a custom made winter coat that I have designed. Exciting stuff, it all is. And, winter has kicked in for good now, and they say that it'll be the coldest winter in a thousand years. Winter clothes? Yes, please, thank you.


PHYSICAL HEALTH

I've been sick. Like, really sick. Almost recovered from my last cold before a new and better one kicked in, and I've nearly been coughing my lungs up. My friend whom I live with have been sick for a while as well, nearly stuck in bed for a month, and she managed to catch pneumonia and had to get medicated and stuff. I haven't been to the doctor myself, but I do kind of fear going down that same road. But, right now it seems like at least the coughing has gotten better. For now I'll just wait and see, especially since I've got an appointment in December to take some cell samples and can easily get him to do a check-up on me then if I haven't gotten better until then.

But besides that blasted cold and the coughing, my physical health have been somewhat decent lately. Only moderate headaches, and the few larger ones have been rare. So, yeah, basically I am doing rather well. Which is a good thing. The only other tiny issues I've had have most likely been caused by my mental health being what it is.

So, I still live.


MENTAL HEALTH

Now, this is where things have been bad. It's been very up and down the past month or so, that silly head of mine, and it's been tiresome. My anxiety have been the worst ever, and I had one full week of constant anxiety a while back that really put a large brake on things and life in general. Not to mention the many breakdowns I've had lately, that have left me unable to function at all.

But the worst was last week, when my head suddenly started telling me all sorts of weird stuff. It freaked me out, cause I really didn't like the stuff it was telling me, and I tried focusing on playing a game to ignore the voices. That didn't work too well since I was sick and tired and couldn't sit and play for too long, so I ended up getting another breakdown. At this point, my friend got so worried that she ended up calling my mum, and together they got me to a crisis appointment at the psychologist. Me, mum, my psychologist, a doctor and a psychiatrist sat for a couple of hours discussing me and my mental health, completely draining me of what I had left of energy.

They wanted to have me submitted to a psychiatric clinic up north, immediately, but I refused. I just can't stand the thought of being submitted again, so I fought long and hard with them about it, and eventually I won. But they put me on some strong medication that would calm my nerves, help me sleep, and quiet the voices inside my head. The medication worked a little too well, though, cause the next day I slept until 6 PM in the afternoon before finally being able to crawl out of bed. And when I did, I got as far as the doorway into the main living room before suddenly fainting. My body did NOT agree to the state of being awake. But yeah, after that things seemed to quiet down a little, and I've been able to sleep a bit heavier so I don't wake up at the sound of a pin dropping. Woo!

My anti-depressives didn't work at all, unfortunately, so now I've stopped taking it while we try to plan out what to do next. I want to try a different type of anti-depressive, while the psychiatrist wants me to try a different kind of medication all-together. He wants me to try out bipolar-medication, which is supposed to stabilize my mood swings. That, I'm not too sure I want. Anti-depressives; sure, I know I need it. Mood-stabilization; hell no, I'm too afraid it'll end up changing me. I mean, my mood swings are a part of who I am. I swing up and down on a regular basis, either being hyperactive and happy or down and depressed, and that's the way it has always been. If I take medication to change that, won't that change who I am? That's, at least, what I feel about the matter. So, I'll keep refusing that for as long as I possibly can. I really, really don't want to take it...

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I really don't know what else to say. Life's chaotic, I suppose. Health is up and down, and things in general are as they've always been, though maybe a bit more hard to deal with. I'm tired of life, my energy level is as low as it can get, things are rough in general, but I am still hanging on. I am still alive, and plan to keep things that way no matter what. I'm praying that this is just the rough patch I need to get through to get to the good stuff, so soon I might be able to sit down and say that I am truly happy with my life.

That, at least, is the plan.