I feel really lost. Really, truly and seriously lost.
What am I to do with my life? What am I to do with myself?
I'm 26, and I've dug myself so far down my own hole that I'm scared I'll never make it out again. Where did I go wrong? When and where was that wrong turn I did that made me end up where I am now? And will I ever be able to fix it? Will I ever be able to feel good about myself, and my life, and just be happy? Down here in my dark little hole, it's practically impossible to any speck of light, and it scares me.
What did I do wrong in life, that brought all of this upon me?
I'm so scared, and I don't think anyone can truly understand just how insanely scared I am. When I sit here, alone, and feel no joy at all, nothing but hopelessness, lack of energy, and just drown in this immense loneliness, I get truly scared. Though I can't really say what it is that I'm afraid of. I'm just so scared. And I truly fear that this is how I'm going to live the rest of my life. Chocked to death by fear.
I don't want to be sent away. How many times have I said that, and thought that? I don't want to be sent away. I don't want them to submit me to a psychiatric clinic for several months, miles away from everything known and safe, and with strangers all around me. I can't even begin to describe how much I don't want this. But no one sees that. No one hears me screaming. They all just drown my words with their own, forcing their thoughts and opinions down my throat until I feel like I can't breathe anymore. Why? Why, why, why? It's as if they don't want to understand. They tell me it's cause they care, but if they truly did care, would they force me to do something I truly and honestly do not want to do?
I've been trying to think of the future lately, but it just leaves me even more scared than before. Do I even have a future? I mean, I have no education. I've spent most of my life being too "sick" to work. And I haven't found a single thing that I don't tire of, and truly enjoy doing. I can't even find the energy to do the things I actually do enjoy doing. So how am I to find a job? To get a proper income, and buy a proper home? I can't see a future ahead of me. I just can't. And that scares me.
I want to write; I've got so many stories in my head I want to get out, but all my writing projects fail even before they're started. I just can't seem to get it all out, and down on paper for someone else to see. How am I supposed to spend my life writing when everything I want to write refuse to come out? And I want to draw; I've got endless pictures inside my head, but I can't seem to get anything done. The empty paper just stares at me and the pencil feels so heavy in my hand. The images are there, yet they won't come out. I don't have the energy for it. So how am I supposed to make a living through my drawings when I can't get myself to draw anything? And I want so badly to design; I'm nearly drowning in ideas, but for some reasons I can't make the ideas real. Every time I try to sit down and get the ideas down, I go blank, or it comes out wrong and looks horrible. And I just keep thinking to myself; are these ideas really worth anything, or are they all just crap? So how am I to make a living as a designer, when all the designs just stay inside my head instead of getting created?
I can't even count how many times I've started on some project, only to give up before I've even gotten half way. Obviously, the problem here is me. I can't really see anything else. I gotta change everything about me, about who I am, to fix my life. There really isn't any other solution.
Gotta admit, the first thing that pops to mind is to get a rifle and find a suitable spot on top of a building in the middle of town and just take out random people until I've had enough and take out myself. Of course, I know that's not much of a solution, but it's sounding pretty damned tempting. At least it'll fix something. It'll get me out of all this.
I don't know... Maybe watching TV when I'm too tired to do anything, and too bored to do nothing, isn't good for me. I get strange ideas.
I want a different life.
But more than that, I want the strength to change my life.
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I don't expect to have my shit sorted by 26 either. Or 40. I will die in my sleep of old age, shit unsorted. And I don't even have an excuse.
SvarSlettYou're legitimately sick. You got a rotten deal, which is not your fault, and no one has any right to expect a 9-5 job from you, not least yourself.
As for your trouble with writing and drawing and realising your designs, I still can't shake the idea (formed no doubt during the guild days) that you're meant to boss other people around as they put your ideas down on paper or in cloth or jewels or whatever for you.
Massacring people doesn't seem like it would help anything. And I would kill you if you killed yourself. And yeah, television will give anyone strange ideas.
hun, you being 26 does not have anything to do with anything. I have in my class people who are over 30 and just starting to figure out what they want to do with their life.
SvarSlettas for people trying to send you away. it might sound horrible, but reading the rest of your entry, I can see their point. and why is that? let me tell you.
you see, you want to change. that might sound trivial to you, but it is not. that is what makes all the difference. some people don't want to change, and most people do not even understand that they even need to, and choose to blame everything around them instead. you don't do that, and that's already a big wall you managed to climb over.
the second one is to do the needed change.
now you see, people have problem with this part, especially if left to handle it alone. it's true that some have the inner strength to do it all by themselves, but most people spend years rolling from side ti side, mentally beating themselves for being spineless until someone or something happens to them to awake that change. [ and some fail ]. and here we are talking healthy people, that do not have your health problems. if they find it from hard to impossible to change under regular circumstances, why do you expect it would be easy for you? no need to feel bad about yourself for not knowing how to change from the inside to what you want to be. it's hard for everyone - even for the people you look up mostly too.
and now, as for sending away. I'm not saying that THAT is the thing that will bring change but who knows? it just might.
I didn't want to go to the army. and believe me, it's far worse than a few months at some resort.
it's 2 years taken from your life, where you are told where to do, what to do, when to do and what to do. you don't even have the free choice of what to wear, where to sleep or have any free time. I spent my first 4 months at a camp deep in the desert, going back home for a day or two only once every 21 days or so.
SvarSlettand at first it was horrible. privacy freak me had to share a tiny room with 4 other people. I woke up at 5 am every day for training, and got back at 11, to get only one hour before bed time so I could clean myself and so on. and that was me " free " time.
at first, it was a shock. to the 5 am thing I got used to quickly since I'm used to traveling from sun rise to sun down.
but as for the people in the room... after the first month, I was put in a different room with people from my future division and we got along greatly. but before that, I was put for a month with the worst kind of general army brainless bimbos. it was a nightmare. plus, the showers where shared ones. no cells even, just a line of 5 water sprinklers, and us. I might not mentioned it before, but I hate my body. that's why I don't like going to polls and to the sea, unless I can have a t shirt or something on. so imagine coming back from a horrible day of field training under the desert sun, not wanting anything more than a cold shower to wash the soot of, only to not be able to set a foot in the shower since other people are in it?
I cried to my mother on the phone, and to my commander as well, and surprisingly that got me a 30 minute early release to shower alone. but once I got it and entered the shower by myself, I found that I didn't mind the other people joining me as well, and in no time we were all singing together in the bath XD
the old me would never even DREAM of being able to be naked in the same room with so many people.
point it, I changed. it might have been done in a pretty violent way, but I guess that was what I needed. as you can guess, I learned how to share my room with, how to manage my time, how to be more positive and flow with life, not fight it. and it's all thanks to these 2 years of forced service that sobered me up.
now, maybe going to that resort is not what you need. but maybe, BECAUSE you don't want it, it's exactly what you need? things you do agree to hardly effect you as it seems, so maybe the answer hides just there, in that dark cave you are so scared to explore? anyway, just think about it. some times, things you want and things you need do not go hand in hand. and if you need motivation, just think of that book of yours, printed and edited, all with illustrations just ready to be put on the shelf. now, ain't that a sight to behold?
you can do it love.