Because I got commented on my outfit twice yesterday. Some random lady told me that I looked like some winter princess or something, because I was all dressed in white. Then some other random guy asked me if I came straight from a wedding, cause I looked like a bride. Apparently I look pretty in my all-white winter clothes. It's nice.
Yeah, I know, I've been horrible with the blogging lately. I blame it on life being way too chaotic for its own good, and a long while of being without internet. Stuff like that makes it hard for me to keep updating this place properly. But, I figured I should give the world a little nudge, and let it know that I'm still alive. Somewhat.
So, now you'll all get an update on life in general, my physical health, and my mental health, divided into those three sections so you can choose what you want to get updated on and what you don't need to know.
LIFE IN GENERAL
Life have been chaotic, to say the least. A lot of stress with the apartment and everything else around me, and no real time to take it easy. Don't think I've had a proper day of relaxing in so long, that I can't even remember what that's like. Annoying, but whatever.
The progress on my apartment is good, though extremely slow. My health have kept me from getting things done at a reasonable pace. But all the painting is done now, and I've got all the furniture in place, so all that is left is to unpack the rest of my stuff from their boxes and put things in place along with decorating. I've got all the kitchen stuff neatly organized in my kitchen cabinets (and it looks good, I might add), and have more or less decided on what goes where elsewhere in the apartment.
I am hoping that I'll get to have my housewarming party in the coming weekend, so I can actually move in and enjoy my new home. It's been a month or so now, since I got the keys, so I am eager to get settled in. Yesterday I looked through my boxes and found that I have only three boxes left to unpack, along with all my boxes with my work (lots of paperwork and all that jazz), and a couple of large bags with pillows and duvets that needs to be emptied. It's starting to look good.
Still living with a friend of mine (she's the best ever, letting me take up so much of her space like this), and even though it's the best place in the world to be right now, I do feel that it'll be nice to get settled into my own home soon. Also, I think it'll be good for her to finally be able to kick me out so she can get some peace and quiet for once.
No other real news about life in general though, since the apartment have taken up most of my time and left me unable to do anything else. I'm really looking forward to x-mas this year, by the way, and I've already started shopping for presents for people. I want to get nice presents this year, even though I can't afford it, just because I know it'll make me feel good. Maybe I should think up clever ways of getting some extra money...?
Other than that, I've done some baking, learned to make some new nifty food thingies, and tonight I'll see if I can get hold of this guy that'll help me get a custom made winter coat that I have designed. Exciting stuff, it all is. And, winter has kicked in for good now, and they say that it'll be the coldest winter in a thousand years. Winter clothes? Yes, please, thank you.
PHYSICAL HEALTH
I've been sick. Like, really sick. Almost recovered from my last cold before a new and better one kicked in, and I've nearly been coughing my lungs up. My friend whom I live with have been sick for a while as well, nearly stuck in bed for a month, and she managed to catch pneumonia and had to get medicated and stuff. I haven't been to the doctor myself, but I do kind of fear going down that same road. But, right now it seems like at least the coughing has gotten better. For now I'll just wait and see, especially since I've got an appointment in December to take some cell samples and can easily get him to do a check-up on me then if I haven't gotten better until then.
But besides that blasted cold and the coughing, my physical health have been somewhat decent lately. Only moderate headaches, and the few larger ones have been rare. So, yeah, basically I am doing rather well. Which is a good thing. The only other tiny issues I've had have most likely been caused by my mental health being what it is.
So, I still live.
MENTAL HEALTH
Now, this is where things have been bad. It's been very up and down the past month or so, that silly head of mine, and it's been tiresome. My anxiety have been the worst ever, and I had one full week of constant anxiety a while back that really put a large brake on things and life in general. Not to mention the many breakdowns I've had lately, that have left me unable to function at all.
But the worst was last week, when my head suddenly started telling me all sorts of weird stuff. It freaked me out, cause I really didn't like the stuff it was telling me, and I tried focusing on playing a game to ignore the voices. That didn't work too well since I was sick and tired and couldn't sit and play for too long, so I ended up getting another breakdown. At this point, my friend got so worried that she ended up calling my mum, and together they got me to a crisis appointment at the psychologist. Me, mum, my psychologist, a doctor and a psychiatrist sat for a couple of hours discussing me and my mental health, completely draining me of what I had left of energy.
They wanted to have me submitted to a psychiatric clinic up north, immediately, but I refused. I just can't stand the thought of being submitted again, so I fought long and hard with them about it, and eventually I won. But they put me on some strong medication that would calm my nerves, help me sleep, and quiet the voices inside my head. The medication worked a little too well, though, cause the next day I slept until 6 PM in the afternoon before finally being able to crawl out of bed. And when I did, I got as far as the doorway into the main living room before suddenly fainting. My body did NOT agree to the state of being awake. But yeah, after that things seemed to quiet down a little, and I've been able to sleep a bit heavier so I don't wake up at the sound of a pin dropping. Woo!
My anti-depressives didn't work at all, unfortunately, so now I've stopped taking it while we try to plan out what to do next. I want to try a different type of anti-depressive, while the psychiatrist wants me to try a different kind of medication all-together. He wants me to try out bipolar-medication, which is supposed to stabilize my mood swings. That, I'm not too sure I want. Anti-depressives; sure, I know I need it. Mood-stabilization; hell no, I'm too afraid it'll end up changing me. I mean, my mood swings are a part of who I am. I swing up and down on a regular basis, either being hyperactive and happy or down and depressed, and that's the way it has always been. If I take medication to change that, won't that change who I am? That's, at least, what I feel about the matter. So, I'll keep refusing that for as long as I possibly can. I really, really don't want to take it...
-
I really don't know what else to say. Life's chaotic, I suppose. Health is up and down, and things in general are as they've always been, though maybe a bit more hard to deal with. I'm tired of life, my energy level is as low as it can get, things are rough in general, but I am still hanging on. I am still alive, and plan to keep things that way no matter what. I'm praying that this is just the rough patch I need to get through to get to the good stuff, so soon I might be able to sit down and say that I am truly happy with my life.
That, at least, is the plan.
tirsdag 16. november 2010
torsdag 30. september 2010
Long time no write
Yeah, I know, I totally suck at this blog thing. -.-;
A lot have been going on in my life, so I just haven't gotten around to writing anything of intelligence in here, and so I've ended up neglecting this place. I am a horrible blogger, I know. ;_; But I'll try and improve, I swear.
~
So, what's new in life? Well, I don't even know where to begin... First off, my health maybe?
My back is killing me, but that's totally my own fault for adopting the most idiotic way to sit when I'm gaming. Straight. *shakes head* And the headaches are very bipolar with me, though I suppose that ain't news. I'm regularly going to the physio, but we haven't detected too much improvement, unfortunately. I might get directed to a different kind of physio later, to see if that helps. And I also need a new appointment with the doctor, cause apparently I need to get some check ups according to the cancer register. Fun stuff.
Mentally, there are news. I am now diagnosed!
After a lot of questions answered, they've finally decided on some proper diagnoses for me, so I actually know what's wrong. Apparently I have three major personality disorders, as well as a reoccurring depression and general anxiety issues. I might also be bipolar, but they wanted to check me some more before setting that diagnose. I have started on anti-depressives to help against the depression, but the personality disorders aren't as easy to treat. You can't be medicated for a personality disorder, nor really treated for it, cause it's a part of your personality. The only way to "get well" would be to change my entire personality and the way I think, which isn't something that is easy to do...
The personality disorders I've been diagnosed with is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Dependent Disorder and Avoidant Disorder, whereof the latter is my main diagnose and one of my biggest problems. Though they all make my life rather difficult to live, cause they affect me rather badly, it's the Avoidant Disorder that really screws things up for me.
But, if nothing else, getting this diagnose have helped me understand that it's not my "fault" that I am the way I am. I really should try to stop feeling bad about being sick, because I honestly can't help it. It's not like I choose to be this way.
I suppose I am slowly building my strength these days. My medication is still not working, cause I am still extremely down most of the time and I have absolutely no energy at all, but at least they have now determined that I am no longer suicidal. I can actually stand to breathe, and be awake and a part of the world, even if it's painful. And I am finding moments where I can smile and laugh about something, and actually mean it for once. I'm not just pretending for the sake of those around me. Those moments are rare, very rare, but they are there. And that is good enough for me.
Life otherwise is going slow. I am not doing much, don't have the energy for anything and I'm down most of the time, so there's not much to write. I'm just... Here.
Oh, but I did get some good news today!
The real estate agent called me and told me that the papers finally got through and that I am now the official owner of the apartment! The papers had been heavily delayed, so we were worried that it would take several months for me to take over the place, but by the looks of things I'll be able to start moving next week! Or, at least start painting the place. X3 Those were awesome news, and they really brightened up my day.
And tomorrow I am going to a birthday party. I'm extremely nervous, cause there will be a lot of people, and my anxiety is crap these days, but I at least want to try. Anything to get out of this damned basement...
Ugh, but my head is killing me right now. -.-
Hopefully I'll have some updates to write in a not too distant future.
A lot have been going on in my life, so I just haven't gotten around to writing anything of intelligence in here, and so I've ended up neglecting this place. I am a horrible blogger, I know. ;_; But I'll try and improve, I swear.
~
So, what's new in life? Well, I don't even know where to begin... First off, my health maybe?
My back is killing me, but that's totally my own fault for adopting the most idiotic way to sit when I'm gaming. Straight. *shakes head* And the headaches are very bipolar with me, though I suppose that ain't news. I'm regularly going to the physio, but we haven't detected too much improvement, unfortunately. I might get directed to a different kind of physio later, to see if that helps. And I also need a new appointment with the doctor, cause apparently I need to get some check ups according to the cancer register. Fun stuff.
Mentally, there are news. I am now diagnosed!
After a lot of questions answered, they've finally decided on some proper diagnoses for me, so I actually know what's wrong. Apparently I have three major personality disorders, as well as a reoccurring depression and general anxiety issues. I might also be bipolar, but they wanted to check me some more before setting that diagnose. I have started on anti-depressives to help against the depression, but the personality disorders aren't as easy to treat. You can't be medicated for a personality disorder, nor really treated for it, cause it's a part of your personality. The only way to "get well" would be to change my entire personality and the way I think, which isn't something that is easy to do...
The personality disorders I've been diagnosed with is Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, Dependent Disorder and Avoidant Disorder, whereof the latter is my main diagnose and one of my biggest problems. Though they all make my life rather difficult to live, cause they affect me rather badly, it's the Avoidant Disorder that really screws things up for me.
But, if nothing else, getting this diagnose have helped me understand that it's not my "fault" that I am the way I am. I really should try to stop feeling bad about being sick, because I honestly can't help it. It's not like I choose to be this way.
I suppose I am slowly building my strength these days. My medication is still not working, cause I am still extremely down most of the time and I have absolutely no energy at all, but at least they have now determined that I am no longer suicidal. I can actually stand to breathe, and be awake and a part of the world, even if it's painful. And I am finding moments where I can smile and laugh about something, and actually mean it for once. I'm not just pretending for the sake of those around me. Those moments are rare, very rare, but they are there. And that is good enough for me.
Life otherwise is going slow. I am not doing much, don't have the energy for anything and I'm down most of the time, so there's not much to write. I'm just... Here.
Oh, but I did get some good news today!
The real estate agent called me and told me that the papers finally got through and that I am now the official owner of the apartment! The papers had been heavily delayed, so we were worried that it would take several months for me to take over the place, but by the looks of things I'll be able to start moving next week! Or, at least start painting the place. X3 Those were awesome news, and they really brightened up my day.
And tomorrow I am going to a birthday party. I'm extremely nervous, cause there will be a lot of people, and my anxiety is crap these days, but I at least want to try. Anything to get out of this damned basement...
Ugh, but my head is killing me right now. -.-
Hopefully I'll have some updates to write in a not too distant future.
torsdag 19. august 2010
Changes
Things have been extremely up and down, to say the least. So many things have been going on in my life these past weeks, and I honestly don't even know where to turn anymore.
I'll start with the biggest news of all: I've bought an apartment!
Yes, you read correct. I've actually bought an apartment, just 3 days ago! It's so amazing, I still can't seem to wrap my head around it. I just got really lucky, somehow. There's a small apartment that was put up for sale a good while back, and it was a forced sale because the original owner got bankrupt. Now, the place had been out on the market for ages, and nobody wanted it, so the people renting the place had made a really low offer that got accepted by the people selling the place. Now, because this apartment is in a tenant-owner association we've got here in town, the rules state that when buildings they sell get an offer that's accepted, they have to go public with it and give other people a chance at it. See, the way things work is that when you're a member of that association you get specific number that dates to the exact day you became a member, and using that number you can go in on a sale like this and offer the amount that have been accepted. If your number is older than the number of the person that gave the original offer that got accepted, and no one else have an older number, then YOU'RE the one who actually gets to buy the place! It's called stepping into the bid, or something like that.
And yes, that's what we did. Mum had an older number than the people who originally made the offer, and she let me inherit it so I could use to to step into the bid and buy the apartment! So, I got the place at, not only half the price of it's original worth, but at 1/10 of the original worth! It's beyond super-cheap, and you just can't get anything better than that! It's just damned lucky, if you ask me.
Of course, it came at a bitter price, and it still kind of bugs me. The original buyers were the people renting there, and it became MY responsibility to throw them out. It was a hard thing to swallow, especially since I know that they were the ones I literally stole the place from, so going down there after things got settled was the worst things I've ever done. But they took it well, and told me they understood, and I got them a bottle of wine to at least try and ease a little bit of my conscience, and then they signed the contract that stated that they had 1 and a half month to find another place and move out.
This means that in October, I'll be moving into my first real home. MY home. And I get to paint the walls and do whatever I want with the place, cause it's MINE. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that thought gives me. Owning your first place... It's beyond amazing. Even though I feel bad about throwing out the young couple living there, I still feel really good about actually having a place to live. I have a home, and that's the one thing I needed the most in life right now.
This whole thing with the apartment just really saved me. I can't even begin to describe how down I've been, and how much faith I had lost in absolutely everything. And just how ready I was to just give up... I still feel really down, and a part of me still want to give up, but at least now I have some stable ground beneath my feet. I needed this, more than anything, and without it I'm not sure I'd be alive right now. Everything else in my life is so damned uncertain, and I feel more alone now than I have ever done before. That empty hole inside me that's been there my entire life, as if a small part of my soul have gone missing, or have never even been there, have grown bigger. It has turned into a giant black hole that's just sucking up everything inside me and leaving me hollow. I'm not even sure it's painful anymore.
I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I can't seem to write, can't seem to draw, even if the ideas are there, and all I do is sit and stare at the wall. I've tried reading, and these past two days I've completely three books, yet I still don't feel any type of satisfaction. I've tried watching anime, but even that has just gotten boring. I don't even feel like gaming, and I'm certainly not up for chatting with people so I'm not too active online either.
I know it's probably the depression, cause these things doesn't let go just because I get one happy news. It'll probably take some time before I can manage to properly stand up again, and get away from that edge. Cause even though that apartment was the rope that saved me just in time before I fell down, I still have the trauma of almost falling looming over me like a black cloud. I've never been so down before, like the way I was last week and the week before that, and it feels as though a small part of me died and will never come back. It's a horrid feeling, really, and I hate it. But what can I do..?
At least this apartment is something good for me to focus on. I finally have some stable ground beneath me, something to build on, and it gives a good foundation. It might help me to stay strong and rebuild myself, and it's something I need more than anything right now. I've been praying for so long for something to come and save, for something I could stand on so that I wouldn't fall, and this just might be the answer to those prayers.
I'll cherish it, that's for sure. My first real home, and it's mine.
I'll start with the biggest news of all: I've bought an apartment!
Yes, you read correct. I've actually bought an apartment, just 3 days ago! It's so amazing, I still can't seem to wrap my head around it. I just got really lucky, somehow. There's a small apartment that was put up for sale a good while back, and it was a forced sale because the original owner got bankrupt. Now, the place had been out on the market for ages, and nobody wanted it, so the people renting the place had made a really low offer that got accepted by the people selling the place. Now, because this apartment is in a tenant-owner association we've got here in town, the rules state that when buildings they sell get an offer that's accepted, they have to go public with it and give other people a chance at it. See, the way things work is that when you're a member of that association you get specific number that dates to the exact day you became a member, and using that number you can go in on a sale like this and offer the amount that have been accepted. If your number is older than the number of the person that gave the original offer that got accepted, and no one else have an older number, then YOU'RE the one who actually gets to buy the place! It's called stepping into the bid, or something like that.
And yes, that's what we did. Mum had an older number than the people who originally made the offer, and she let me inherit it so I could use to to step into the bid and buy the apartment! So, I got the place at, not only half the price of it's original worth, but at 1/10 of the original worth! It's beyond super-cheap, and you just can't get anything better than that! It's just damned lucky, if you ask me.
Of course, it came at a bitter price, and it still kind of bugs me. The original buyers were the people renting there, and it became MY responsibility to throw them out. It was a hard thing to swallow, especially since I know that they were the ones I literally stole the place from, so going down there after things got settled was the worst things I've ever done. But they took it well, and told me they understood, and I got them a bottle of wine to at least try and ease a little bit of my conscience, and then they signed the contract that stated that they had 1 and a half month to find another place and move out.
This means that in October, I'll be moving into my first real home. MY home. And I get to paint the walls and do whatever I want with the place, cause it's MINE. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that thought gives me. Owning your first place... It's beyond amazing. Even though I feel bad about throwing out the young couple living there, I still feel really good about actually having a place to live. I have a home, and that's the one thing I needed the most in life right now.
This whole thing with the apartment just really saved me. I can't even begin to describe how down I've been, and how much faith I had lost in absolutely everything. And just how ready I was to just give up... I still feel really down, and a part of me still want to give up, but at least now I have some stable ground beneath my feet. I needed this, more than anything, and without it I'm not sure I'd be alive right now. Everything else in my life is so damned uncertain, and I feel more alone now than I have ever done before. That empty hole inside me that's been there my entire life, as if a small part of my soul have gone missing, or have never even been there, have grown bigger. It has turned into a giant black hole that's just sucking up everything inside me and leaving me hollow. I'm not even sure it's painful anymore.
I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I can't seem to write, can't seem to draw, even if the ideas are there, and all I do is sit and stare at the wall. I've tried reading, and these past two days I've completely three books, yet I still don't feel any type of satisfaction. I've tried watching anime, but even that has just gotten boring. I don't even feel like gaming, and I'm certainly not up for chatting with people so I'm not too active online either.
I know it's probably the depression, cause these things doesn't let go just because I get one happy news. It'll probably take some time before I can manage to properly stand up again, and get away from that edge. Cause even though that apartment was the rope that saved me just in time before I fell down, I still have the trauma of almost falling looming over me like a black cloud. I've never been so down before, like the way I was last week and the week before that, and it feels as though a small part of me died and will never come back. It's a horrid feeling, really, and I hate it. But what can I do..?
At least this apartment is something good for me to focus on. I finally have some stable ground beneath me, something to build on, and it gives a good foundation. It might help me to stay strong and rebuild myself, and it's something I need more than anything right now. I've been praying for so long for something to come and save, for something I could stand on so that I wouldn't fall, and this just might be the answer to those prayers.
I'll cherish it, that's for sure. My first real home, and it's mine.
søndag 1. august 2010
Hitting a new low
And breaking the record of being down...
I'm completely broken. Things couldn't really be worse right now, and I'm so tired and depressed that all I can think about is how I can escape this. I'll take anything, as long as it'll take me away from this world, from this life. I just can't take it anymore.
And things started out so good. I had spent most of the week up at a cabin and just enjoyed everything, in great company, and was finally starting to feel a bit positive again. Me and my best friend made plans on going out Friday night to have one tequila and a beer before heading to her place, and my family made plans on going to the movies before I went out and met my friend. The day started out great, the movie was really cool, and me and my friend had a good time at the bar. We had that tequila, then grabbed a beer, and sat down to talk to some friends of hers. I really enjoyed myself!
But, of course, it didn't last. Some men started getting a bit too close for my comfort, and there were just too many people around me on top of me starting to get a little too drunk, so my head started to act up. I got scared, really scared, and I could feel my entire body threatening to break down on me, and yet those damned guys wouldn't leave me alone. My friend had met up with someone she knew, and she was way too busy with him to notice that anything was wrong, so I just sat and struggled with it for a long time and hoped things would pass. But they didn't. And so I ran outside, just to get some space, and broke down. I sat on some stairs, in a corner, and cried, when one of the guys that had been a bit too close for comfort came after me.
He wouldn't leave me alone, and just talked about how he was so rich and was gonna open up a club or something and that he wanted me to be with him. I tried to tell him that I needed to be alone, and asked if he could please tell my friend that I had gone outside so she wouldn't get worried, but he just told me that she had already seen that I had left, and that she had been too busy with that friend of hers to even care. It hit me like a rock, but I tried to just shrug it away and think to myself that she'd probably call or text me when she wanted me to come back again, and then told the guy to please go inside and that I'd follow after a while. He tried to kiss me several times, and I kept trying to shove him away, before he finally left. And I got really scared again.
So I ran. I ran as fast as I could, crying, and just looked for someplace to hide.
I ended up at the graveyard, by my great grandmother's grave, and just collapsed there. I was so scared, so lonely, and I was just praying that my friend would start to miss me and call me to ask where I was. But I heard nothing. So I sat there until I fell over and just couldn't get up anymore, and an hour passed like that. Eventually I managed to get to my feet, and I started walking back into town, not even sure where I was supposed to go. I couldn't go back to the bar, cause that guy could still be there, and I couldn't get myself to call my friend cause she had obviously just forgotten about me since I hadn't heard from her at all. So I just walked, aimlessly, freezing my damned ass off, and somehow ended up walking straight on to a girl I've never seen before. She felt so sorry for me and wanted to keep me company, and to call the emergency scenter so they could help me, and so she followed me down to the taxi station and sat with me there for a while. I told her that I had nowhere to go, and what had happened, and she was so upset on my behalf. She was a really kind person, and it felt so good to feel that warmth.
Eventually, I decided to try and see if I could find the spare keys to my grandparent's house, since they're away, and we started walking in that direction. We said good bye at the gas station, cause she was going somewhere else, and I started walking towards my grandparent's house, which is also where my friend lives. Then, after a while, I saw my friend on the road ahead of me, talking on the phone. I hurried to catch up with her, suppressing the bitterness I felt about her going home without even telling me since we had agreed on me staying the night at her place, and just wanted to talk and feel better about things since I was really depressed. And she got upset with me, asking where the hell I had been. I got so surprised by her reaction that I could hardly speak at all, so I just stammered something out and hoped she'd calm down. And then she just told me that this couldn't work anymore, and it became so clear by her tone that she just couldn't stand me anymore and wanted me to just get away from her. She didn't want anything to do with me. I just stopped, feeling the world crumble down around me, and all I could do was swallow the pain and just nod and whisper okay. And then I turned around and started walking as the tears couldn't be held back anymore. She didn't bother to stop me, and just quickly left the scene. I was alone.
I collapsed a bit down the road, too empty to even cry anymore, and wondered where I was supposed to go. My parents had told me not to come home in the middle of the night and wake them, and my best and only friend had just made it clear that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, so I had nowhere to go. It was raining, it was cold, and I had nowhere to go. There and then I promised myself that I wasn't going to live like this anymore. I wasn't going to live at all. I have no place here in this world, and it's time to leave it.
I remembered that I had the key to an empty apartment that I had been bidding on, and I slowly made my way there. The place was empty, cold and dark, but at least it was inside and away from the rain. I locked myself in and hid in the corner in the bedroom, and I sat there the rest of the night and the morning. Nine hours passed, and I just sat in that corner, with a knife against my wrists. I wanted to badly to just disappear, like I had promised that I'd do, but I chickened out. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid of the pain, and I knew that I didn't want the last thing I ever felt in this world to be pain. I've had enough of that already...
I thought I would freeze to death. Kind of hoped I would. But I didn't. I just sat there until the night had passed and the day started. It was around noon that I finally dragged myself to my feet and made my way out of the apartment and started walking towards town. I felt like I was walking in my sleep, or as if I had moved outside of reality. That feeling... I've never been in so much pain before. Never.
I called one of my sisters, asking if she was at work, and then walked over to see her. I looked like a damned mess, and she came out to greet me as soon as she saw me approaching the store. She just hugged me, then dragged me off to see my other sister. She took one look at me, then grabbed hold of my hand and the two of them dragged me into an office to talk to me. They both looked as if I had just been kidnapped, raped and nearly killed when they looked at me. I suppose I kind of looked like it... So I told them what had happened, and that I didn't know what too do or where to go, and they told me to go home to my parents. It was the best solution. I knew they were right, but it felt so painful. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to go to sleep somewhere, and never wake up. But I just nodded and silently agreed with them, and then I walked up to my parents' house.
I slept the rest of the day, and when I didn't sleep I just stared into the wall. I had nothing else to do. No energy, no will to even breathe. Then they called me from the real estate agency and told me that my offer had been declined. I wasn't going to get the apartment I had been bidding on, and that I had spent that one cold and lonely night in. I had no hopes of getting a home after all... And that just took the rest of what had been left of my will to exist. My mother came down and asked me to please eat something, so I walked upstairs and had a small bite of their leftovers before going back downstairs to sleep again. And here I've stayed.
I'm so broken, and it hurts so badly inside of me. I feel so hated, so unwanted, and all I want is to just get away from everything. I wish I had tried to explain things instead of just leaving when she got mad at me, but would it really have made a difference? She's obviously mad at me, sick of me, or else she would've called me or texted me by now. But she hasn't, so I know that her outburst wasn't just the alcohol talking. She's just sick of me. So now I am alone, and I am homeless.
Never before have I been so without a will to exist. Before I just wanted to leave this world, and find another one. Now I just want to die.
What else can I do..?
I'm completely broken. Things couldn't really be worse right now, and I'm so tired and depressed that all I can think about is how I can escape this. I'll take anything, as long as it'll take me away from this world, from this life. I just can't take it anymore.
And things started out so good. I had spent most of the week up at a cabin and just enjoyed everything, in great company, and was finally starting to feel a bit positive again. Me and my best friend made plans on going out Friday night to have one tequila and a beer before heading to her place, and my family made plans on going to the movies before I went out and met my friend. The day started out great, the movie was really cool, and me and my friend had a good time at the bar. We had that tequila, then grabbed a beer, and sat down to talk to some friends of hers. I really enjoyed myself!
But, of course, it didn't last. Some men started getting a bit too close for my comfort, and there were just too many people around me on top of me starting to get a little too drunk, so my head started to act up. I got scared, really scared, and I could feel my entire body threatening to break down on me, and yet those damned guys wouldn't leave me alone. My friend had met up with someone she knew, and she was way too busy with him to notice that anything was wrong, so I just sat and struggled with it for a long time and hoped things would pass. But they didn't. And so I ran outside, just to get some space, and broke down. I sat on some stairs, in a corner, and cried, when one of the guys that had been a bit too close for comfort came after me.
He wouldn't leave me alone, and just talked about how he was so rich and was gonna open up a club or something and that he wanted me to be with him. I tried to tell him that I needed to be alone, and asked if he could please tell my friend that I had gone outside so she wouldn't get worried, but he just told me that she had already seen that I had left, and that she had been too busy with that friend of hers to even care. It hit me like a rock, but I tried to just shrug it away and think to myself that she'd probably call or text me when she wanted me to come back again, and then told the guy to please go inside and that I'd follow after a while. He tried to kiss me several times, and I kept trying to shove him away, before he finally left. And I got really scared again.
So I ran. I ran as fast as I could, crying, and just looked for someplace to hide.
I ended up at the graveyard, by my great grandmother's grave, and just collapsed there. I was so scared, so lonely, and I was just praying that my friend would start to miss me and call me to ask where I was. But I heard nothing. So I sat there until I fell over and just couldn't get up anymore, and an hour passed like that. Eventually I managed to get to my feet, and I started walking back into town, not even sure where I was supposed to go. I couldn't go back to the bar, cause that guy could still be there, and I couldn't get myself to call my friend cause she had obviously just forgotten about me since I hadn't heard from her at all. So I just walked, aimlessly, freezing my damned ass off, and somehow ended up walking straight on to a girl I've never seen before. She felt so sorry for me and wanted to keep me company, and to call the emergency scenter so they could help me, and so she followed me down to the taxi station and sat with me there for a while. I told her that I had nowhere to go, and what had happened, and she was so upset on my behalf. She was a really kind person, and it felt so good to feel that warmth.
Eventually, I decided to try and see if I could find the spare keys to my grandparent's house, since they're away, and we started walking in that direction. We said good bye at the gas station, cause she was going somewhere else, and I started walking towards my grandparent's house, which is also where my friend lives. Then, after a while, I saw my friend on the road ahead of me, talking on the phone. I hurried to catch up with her, suppressing the bitterness I felt about her going home without even telling me since we had agreed on me staying the night at her place, and just wanted to talk and feel better about things since I was really depressed. And she got upset with me, asking where the hell I had been. I got so surprised by her reaction that I could hardly speak at all, so I just stammered something out and hoped she'd calm down. And then she just told me that this couldn't work anymore, and it became so clear by her tone that she just couldn't stand me anymore and wanted me to just get away from her. She didn't want anything to do with me. I just stopped, feeling the world crumble down around me, and all I could do was swallow the pain and just nod and whisper okay. And then I turned around and started walking as the tears couldn't be held back anymore. She didn't bother to stop me, and just quickly left the scene. I was alone.
I collapsed a bit down the road, too empty to even cry anymore, and wondered where I was supposed to go. My parents had told me not to come home in the middle of the night and wake them, and my best and only friend had just made it clear that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, so I had nowhere to go. It was raining, it was cold, and I had nowhere to go. There and then I promised myself that I wasn't going to live like this anymore. I wasn't going to live at all. I have no place here in this world, and it's time to leave it.
I remembered that I had the key to an empty apartment that I had been bidding on, and I slowly made my way there. The place was empty, cold and dark, but at least it was inside and away from the rain. I locked myself in and hid in the corner in the bedroom, and I sat there the rest of the night and the morning. Nine hours passed, and I just sat in that corner, with a knife against my wrists. I wanted to badly to just disappear, like I had promised that I'd do, but I chickened out. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid of the pain, and I knew that I didn't want the last thing I ever felt in this world to be pain. I've had enough of that already...
I thought I would freeze to death. Kind of hoped I would. But I didn't. I just sat there until the night had passed and the day started. It was around noon that I finally dragged myself to my feet and made my way out of the apartment and started walking towards town. I felt like I was walking in my sleep, or as if I had moved outside of reality. That feeling... I've never been in so much pain before. Never.
I called one of my sisters, asking if she was at work, and then walked over to see her. I looked like a damned mess, and she came out to greet me as soon as she saw me approaching the store. She just hugged me, then dragged me off to see my other sister. She took one look at me, then grabbed hold of my hand and the two of them dragged me into an office to talk to me. They both looked as if I had just been kidnapped, raped and nearly killed when they looked at me. I suppose I kind of looked like it... So I told them what had happened, and that I didn't know what too do or where to go, and they told me to go home to my parents. It was the best solution. I knew they were right, but it felt so painful. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to go to sleep somewhere, and never wake up. But I just nodded and silently agreed with them, and then I walked up to my parents' house.
I slept the rest of the day, and when I didn't sleep I just stared into the wall. I had nothing else to do. No energy, no will to even breathe. Then they called me from the real estate agency and told me that my offer had been declined. I wasn't going to get the apartment I had been bidding on, and that I had spent that one cold and lonely night in. I had no hopes of getting a home after all... And that just took the rest of what had been left of my will to exist. My mother came down and asked me to please eat something, so I walked upstairs and had a small bite of their leftovers before going back downstairs to sleep again. And here I've stayed.
I'm so broken, and it hurts so badly inside of me. I feel so hated, so unwanted, and all I want is to just get away from everything. I wish I had tried to explain things instead of just leaving when she got mad at me, but would it really have made a difference? She's obviously mad at me, sick of me, or else she would've called me or texted me by now. But she hasn't, so I know that her outburst wasn't just the alcohol talking. She's just sick of me. So now I am alone, and I am homeless.
Never before have I been so without a will to exist. Before I just wanted to leave this world, and find another one. Now I just want to die.
What else can I do..?
torsdag 15. juli 2010
Homeless
Is what I am.
I've now officially moved out of my old apartment. Or, I did so yesterday. Did the last of the cleaning and handed over the key, and then drove off with the remaining things I had there. Now I am officially homeless. All of my things are packed in boxes and stashed away, and I have my most used clothes in suitcases and my papers in a backpack or two, and I am taking up the bed in the basement at my parents' house... I have no home.
My mum wants me to feel at home at their place, and stay for as long as I need to, and I'm really grateful for that, but it's still not my home. I'm still living in suitcases and boxes. I can't unpack my things, settle in, make any roots. It's not my home.
I'm watching the house while they're away on vacation, so right now I've got the place to myself, but it still doesn't feel right. It's nice to have an entire house at my disposal, but I'm still just borrowing it. I'm just temporarily crashing here cause I have nowhere else to stay. No other bed to sleep in.
I wish so badly that I had a secure place to call my home. Some firm ground beneath my feet.
There is absolutely nothing to rent in this town. The few places there are, are either shady places owned by some rather questionable people, or really expensive places that I can't afford. And neither can I take up a loan so I can buy myself a home, cause I don't have a proper income. Because of my health - my mental health - I can't have a proper job, and thus I have no money. And because of this, I get no help. No chance of getting a loan so I can get a home.
Had I been a drug addict, or an alcoholic, then they would've placed a home in my lap, or even the money to buy me a home. But no, I have a mental condition, and that's not the type of illness that the Norwegian health care system prioritize. I'm practically worthless to them.
That's how great the system is.
So now I'm homeless, a 25-year-old crashing at my parents' place, while I'm crossing my fingers and desperately hoping that something good'll come my way so that I can finally sit down and just relax. And have a home.
*
My mental condition? Falling apart. This week have been a really hard week, with a lot of turbulence, and way too many things to take in and to think about. Moving out of my apartment and into suitcases. Desperately trying to get help so that I can get myself a home. And so many other things I'd rather not even mention. I can feel my head cracking under all this pressure, and I have no idea what's keeping it all together right now. I can't count how many times I've had to pull myself really hard together so that I didn't fall apart these last couple of days. How many times I've had to swallow my tears away and just bite down to be able to keep going.
I'm so tired. I just want to give up. I just want to go to sleep, and never wake up.
I honestly have no clue how long I'll be able to keep this up and keep on going before I fall apart. I've been so dangerously close to that edge so many times now, that I am tempted to just jump from it and get it over with. Whatever it is that keeps me going, sooner or later I'll run out. And that's when things'll blow up in my face.
It would be nice, though, going out with a bang.
I've now officially moved out of my old apartment. Or, I did so yesterday. Did the last of the cleaning and handed over the key, and then drove off with the remaining things I had there. Now I am officially homeless. All of my things are packed in boxes and stashed away, and I have my most used clothes in suitcases and my papers in a backpack or two, and I am taking up the bed in the basement at my parents' house... I have no home.
My mum wants me to feel at home at their place, and stay for as long as I need to, and I'm really grateful for that, but it's still not my home. I'm still living in suitcases and boxes. I can't unpack my things, settle in, make any roots. It's not my home.
I'm watching the house while they're away on vacation, so right now I've got the place to myself, but it still doesn't feel right. It's nice to have an entire house at my disposal, but I'm still just borrowing it. I'm just temporarily crashing here cause I have nowhere else to stay. No other bed to sleep in.
I wish so badly that I had a secure place to call my home. Some firm ground beneath my feet.
There is absolutely nothing to rent in this town. The few places there are, are either shady places owned by some rather questionable people, or really expensive places that I can't afford. And neither can I take up a loan so I can buy myself a home, cause I don't have a proper income. Because of my health - my mental health - I can't have a proper job, and thus I have no money. And because of this, I get no help. No chance of getting a loan so I can get a home.
Had I been a drug addict, or an alcoholic, then they would've placed a home in my lap, or even the money to buy me a home. But no, I have a mental condition, and that's not the type of illness that the Norwegian health care system prioritize. I'm practically worthless to them.
That's how great the system is.
So now I'm homeless, a 25-year-old crashing at my parents' place, while I'm crossing my fingers and desperately hoping that something good'll come my way so that I can finally sit down and just relax. And have a home.
*
My mental condition? Falling apart. This week have been a really hard week, with a lot of turbulence, and way too many things to take in and to think about. Moving out of my apartment and into suitcases. Desperately trying to get help so that I can get myself a home. And so many other things I'd rather not even mention. I can feel my head cracking under all this pressure, and I have no idea what's keeping it all together right now. I can't count how many times I've had to pull myself really hard together so that I didn't fall apart these last couple of days. How many times I've had to swallow my tears away and just bite down to be able to keep going.
I'm so tired. I just want to give up. I just want to go to sleep, and never wake up.
I honestly have no clue how long I'll be able to keep this up and keep on going before I fall apart. I've been so dangerously close to that edge so many times now, that I am tempted to just jump from it and get it over with. Whatever it is that keeps me going, sooner or later I'll run out. And that's when things'll blow up in my face.
It would be nice, though, going out with a bang.
mandag 5. juli 2010
Where am I now?
Completely lost.
Okay, so I ended up turning down the apartment I had been offered, mainly because I couldn't afford to pay rent on two places for one month. Unfortunately, this left me with no place to live and another big worry on my mind. But since I had been determined to move out of my friend's place, I ended up going back to the apartment I'm renting now so that I could focus on my packing and allow my friend to be rid of me so she could relax. I suppose it's the best solution I could've found.
So far I've been here a weekend, and I'm still not settling in to being alone after living so many months with someone else. It's weird, and I'm more lonely than ever, so I'm guessing that's why I can't sleep at night and have nothing but nightmares. I suppose I just need a little time to get used to being on my own again...
Now, anyway, I'm going to pack all my things within a week, and then get my stuff moved into my parents' garage, so I can move out of here by the 14th this month. If I can manage that, I'll only have to pay half rent, and I can live with my parents until I get a new place to live. That'll work out fine the first week, since they're going to Denmark on vacation, and it'll be okay the second week when they get back home. But after that, I'll start going nuts and going on their nerves, so I really can't be staying long. I NEED to find another place to live, soon. It's a rather big issue in my life right now.
My headaches are getting worse again, but I'm thinking it's because of the stress related to me moving and worrying about where I'm supposed to go next. At least I finally got that physiotherapy appointment my doctor ordered me to get, so maybe that can help me get rid of these headaches. They're seriously driving me insane.
My mental health this past month have been something to struggle with, unfortunately. I keep "falling out" and randomly not knowing where I am. And more often than ever do I find myself looking around me at the area I'm in and not recognize it. I mean, I know the place, yet I can't remember having seen it before. It's like I'm suddenly somewhere else, and every atom in my body tells me my head is right about that, which is scary. One thing is when my head starts telling me things. Another entirely is when my feelings and everything else in my body agrees. That's when things start to freak me out.
I haven't really seen anything that isn't there in a while, though I've heard some small things every now and then. Mostly just voices and music, but I'm hoping it's just my ears developing super-hearing so that I can hear stuff from other people's houses or something.. So, yeah, on that area I'm doing rather good.
Had a small episode of nearly falling apart last week, but I managed to gather in a source of strength and pull myself together. I struggled, I did, but for now it seems as though I'm winning and managing to keep myself from tearing apart. Only iffy thing is, that ever since then I've been in need of constant focus to make sure I can keep those threads together, which is strengthening my suspicions that at one point I won't be able to pull myself together and I'll just end up tearing apart completely. And that's not a pleasant thought...
I'm really tired now, and I can feel that I am starting to get depressed again. I'm trying to keep it together, but it's so hard when I'm standing on so much unstable ground. And my mood is going in strange directions again, which is really hard to try and keep a lid on. There are so many things within me that just want to explode now, and trying to keep it in is taking all the energy that I have, and more. And it's waking up certain things I don't want to wake up. GO BACK TO SLEEP, FREAK!
Yeah, it feels like I'm standing between frequencies, and not quite within any of them. Like I'm not really a part of this reality, but not part of any other reality either. The world, when I look at it, doesn't appear real to me. It doesn't even feel real. Like I'm in the wrong place, lost, and that I need to get out of here, but I don't know how.
I'm holding on to the few things that have helped me keep my sanity these past months with everything I've got, but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up before I slip and fall, and loose my grip. I don't even know what I want, or need, anymore, and I find myself shouting nothing at the emptiness. It's completely fucked up, and without any sense at all, yet it's my world right now.
Yeah, see? This is how much sense I manage to make right now.
I haven't been sleeping well, and it messes up what little focus that I have.
If I can just find a place to live, and manage to settle in proper there, then I'll be satisfied. That'll give me some stable ground to stand on, and I desperately need that right now. Just the tiniest fragment of something stable will be enough to anchor me from falling over that edge, so it'll be welcomed with open arms if it appears before me. But, of course, what I wish for the most is a home. That'll be the most stable ground I can have at the moment, so naturally it's what I'd want the most.
And, if I have that stable ground beneath me, then maybe I can allow my head to just fall apart so I can rebuild things again. For all I know, that could be the solution I've been needing to try and fix things inside me. Patching up things when they tear, over and over again, doesn't fix things. But making something new, can. So this have been my plan for a long time now, and I've been plotting with myself to see how I can make that work, and studying myself a bit. It probably sounds extremely stupid, but at least it gives me something to focus on. And right now I'll take anything that can keep me from loosing my grip on the threads that are keeping my head together.
~
"Meteor Shower" by Owl City is on my mind a lot, though I have absolutely no one to dedicate it to. I suppose it's just my feelings telling me that I desperately need at least something, even if I don't know who or what. Either way, it's a nice song I listen to a lot these days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUhI-qvbisQ
Okay, so I ended up turning down the apartment I had been offered, mainly because I couldn't afford to pay rent on two places for one month. Unfortunately, this left me with no place to live and another big worry on my mind. But since I had been determined to move out of my friend's place, I ended up going back to the apartment I'm renting now so that I could focus on my packing and allow my friend to be rid of me so she could relax. I suppose it's the best solution I could've found.
So far I've been here a weekend, and I'm still not settling in to being alone after living so many months with someone else. It's weird, and I'm more lonely than ever, so I'm guessing that's why I can't sleep at night and have nothing but nightmares. I suppose I just need a little time to get used to being on my own again...
Now, anyway, I'm going to pack all my things within a week, and then get my stuff moved into my parents' garage, so I can move out of here by the 14th this month. If I can manage that, I'll only have to pay half rent, and I can live with my parents until I get a new place to live. That'll work out fine the first week, since they're going to Denmark on vacation, and it'll be okay the second week when they get back home. But after that, I'll start going nuts and going on their nerves, so I really can't be staying long. I NEED to find another place to live, soon. It's a rather big issue in my life right now.
My headaches are getting worse again, but I'm thinking it's because of the stress related to me moving and worrying about where I'm supposed to go next. At least I finally got that physiotherapy appointment my doctor ordered me to get, so maybe that can help me get rid of these headaches. They're seriously driving me insane.
My mental health this past month have been something to struggle with, unfortunately. I keep "falling out" and randomly not knowing where I am. And more often than ever do I find myself looking around me at the area I'm in and not recognize it. I mean, I know the place, yet I can't remember having seen it before. It's like I'm suddenly somewhere else, and every atom in my body tells me my head is right about that, which is scary. One thing is when my head starts telling me things. Another entirely is when my feelings and everything else in my body agrees. That's when things start to freak me out.
I haven't really seen anything that isn't there in a while, though I've heard some small things every now and then. Mostly just voices and music, but I'm hoping it's just my ears developing super-hearing so that I can hear stuff from other people's houses or something.. So, yeah, on that area I'm doing rather good.
Had a small episode of nearly falling apart last week, but I managed to gather in a source of strength and pull myself together. I struggled, I did, but for now it seems as though I'm winning and managing to keep myself from tearing apart. Only iffy thing is, that ever since then I've been in need of constant focus to make sure I can keep those threads together, which is strengthening my suspicions that at one point I won't be able to pull myself together and I'll just end up tearing apart completely. And that's not a pleasant thought...
I'm really tired now, and I can feel that I am starting to get depressed again. I'm trying to keep it together, but it's so hard when I'm standing on so much unstable ground. And my mood is going in strange directions again, which is really hard to try and keep a lid on. There are so many things within me that just want to explode now, and trying to keep it in is taking all the energy that I have, and more. And it's waking up certain things I don't want to wake up. GO BACK TO SLEEP, FREAK!
Yeah, it feels like I'm standing between frequencies, and not quite within any of them. Like I'm not really a part of this reality, but not part of any other reality either. The world, when I look at it, doesn't appear real to me. It doesn't even feel real. Like I'm in the wrong place, lost, and that I need to get out of here, but I don't know how.
I'm holding on to the few things that have helped me keep my sanity these past months with everything I've got, but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up before I slip and fall, and loose my grip. I don't even know what I want, or need, anymore, and I find myself shouting nothing at the emptiness. It's completely fucked up, and without any sense at all, yet it's my world right now.
Yeah, see? This is how much sense I manage to make right now.
I haven't been sleeping well, and it messes up what little focus that I have.
If I can just find a place to live, and manage to settle in proper there, then I'll be satisfied. That'll give me some stable ground to stand on, and I desperately need that right now. Just the tiniest fragment of something stable will be enough to anchor me from falling over that edge, so it'll be welcomed with open arms if it appears before me. But, of course, what I wish for the most is a home. That'll be the most stable ground I can have at the moment, so naturally it's what I'd want the most.
And, if I have that stable ground beneath me, then maybe I can allow my head to just fall apart so I can rebuild things again. For all I know, that could be the solution I've been needing to try and fix things inside me. Patching up things when they tear, over and over again, doesn't fix things. But making something new, can. So this have been my plan for a long time now, and I've been plotting with myself to see how I can make that work, and studying myself a bit. It probably sounds extremely stupid, but at least it gives me something to focus on. And right now I'll take anything that can keep me from loosing my grip on the threads that are keeping my head together.
~
"Meteor Shower" by Owl City is on my mind a lot, though I have absolutely no one to dedicate it to. I suppose it's just my feelings telling me that I desperately need at least something, even if I don't know who or what. Either way, it's a nice song I listen to a lot these days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUhI-qvbisQ
tirsdag 15. juni 2010
Brainscanned
Today I kind of got too much on my mind, and it's not healthy for me.
Had the MRI of my head today, and it didn't quite go as I thought. I had no anxiety or anything, cause I'm really not claustrophobic or anything like that, so I had no real trouble lying still in there for 20 min. But, as I was lying there, waiting for things to be over with, I got real sad. I had this deep, strong wish that they'd find something, like a tumor or anything else, so I'd have an actual logical and physical for why my head's falling apart. It was such a tough wish to suddenly realize that I had, that tears started to fall as I lay there. It was painful, deep inside, but all I could do was just suffer myself through those 20 minutes and blink away the tears without a sound. It was the longest and hardest 20 minutes of my life...
When I got out, I got dressed, shaky and tired, and as we got out and waited for mom by the car, I sat down and let some more tears come. Both my friend - who had been kind enough to come with me - and my mom got worried, but I told them it was nothing and that I was okay. Now I'm just feeling sad. I've had the thought before, but I had no idea the wish was that intense, and finding that out as I was lying there was beyond painful. And real tough to swallow.
I also had an appointment at the psychologist today, and we finished a test we had started on the last time I was there. From what she could tell from that test - which is just a general overlook of symptoms - she could point out at least 8 different things that I scored highly under. But, taking into consideration my main issues, she could get that down to just 3 instead that they'd go deeper into. Bipolar, ADHD and something about some general personality disorder thing I can't quite remember what's called. We're gonna start investigating the last one next week, and see where that gets us. So yeah, at least it seems like we're slowly getting there.
I'm glad I'm under this investigation, but it's tiresome. And I'm scared. A part of me is afraid that I'll have to live like this for the rest of my life, and never be able to function fully at all. Or just be dependent on too much damned medication to be able to function. I don't think I'd be able to live like that. I'd take any other solution over any of those.
Another issue that's pretty big right now, and that's bothering me a lot, is my living situation. It's been on my mind all day, and I'm pretty frustrated right now. I went to see an apartment last week, and this weekend I was told that I got it so tomorrow I'm supposed to go sign the contract. But something's not right. I've had this strange feeling about the place ever since I went to check it out, despite the fact that it's a really nice place, and when I told my mom that I got it she bluntly told me to say no. She had a bad feeling about it. And, also, I'll be getting it one month before I'm due to leave the other apartment, so I'll have to pay rent double up that month. And I can't afford that. I don't have the money. So, the both of us have bad feelings about the place, and I can't even afford it, so everything in me is telling me to call them up and tell them that I can't take it after all.
But I can't do that. I need to get a place to stay, cause I can't keep living like this. Sure, I really do like staying with my friend and all, but in the end it's putting too much strain on her and I just can't do that anymore. But most importantly, my head's about to fall apart. I can ignore it all I want, but it's going there, and I don't think I can stop it. When that happens, I'll break completely and I just can't stand to have anyone see me break. I can't be living with my friend when that happens, both for my own and for her sake, so I have to get out of here.
In the end, I really don't know what to do. I haven't the slightest idea. And if I don't find a solution to this problem sometime today, then I'm just fucked. I tried calling them a short while ago, but they didn't answer the phone. Right now I'm standing in between things, and I'm ready to tip either way. I'd give anything to figure out what to do. It's all just so frustrating...
I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but does it really have to be this hard?
Had the MRI of my head today, and it didn't quite go as I thought. I had no anxiety or anything, cause I'm really not claustrophobic or anything like that, so I had no real trouble lying still in there for 20 min. But, as I was lying there, waiting for things to be over with, I got real sad. I had this deep, strong wish that they'd find something, like a tumor or anything else, so I'd have an actual logical and physical for why my head's falling apart. It was such a tough wish to suddenly realize that I had, that tears started to fall as I lay there. It was painful, deep inside, but all I could do was just suffer myself through those 20 minutes and blink away the tears without a sound. It was the longest and hardest 20 minutes of my life...
When I got out, I got dressed, shaky and tired, and as we got out and waited for mom by the car, I sat down and let some more tears come. Both my friend - who had been kind enough to come with me - and my mom got worried, but I told them it was nothing and that I was okay. Now I'm just feeling sad. I've had the thought before, but I had no idea the wish was that intense, and finding that out as I was lying there was beyond painful. And real tough to swallow.
I also had an appointment at the psychologist today, and we finished a test we had started on the last time I was there. From what she could tell from that test - which is just a general overlook of symptoms - she could point out at least 8 different things that I scored highly under. But, taking into consideration my main issues, she could get that down to just 3 instead that they'd go deeper into. Bipolar, ADHD and something about some general personality disorder thing I can't quite remember what's called. We're gonna start investigating the last one next week, and see where that gets us. So yeah, at least it seems like we're slowly getting there.
I'm glad I'm under this investigation, but it's tiresome. And I'm scared. A part of me is afraid that I'll have to live like this for the rest of my life, and never be able to function fully at all. Or just be dependent on too much damned medication to be able to function. I don't think I'd be able to live like that. I'd take any other solution over any of those.
Another issue that's pretty big right now, and that's bothering me a lot, is my living situation. It's been on my mind all day, and I'm pretty frustrated right now. I went to see an apartment last week, and this weekend I was told that I got it so tomorrow I'm supposed to go sign the contract. But something's not right. I've had this strange feeling about the place ever since I went to check it out, despite the fact that it's a really nice place, and when I told my mom that I got it she bluntly told me to say no. She had a bad feeling about it. And, also, I'll be getting it one month before I'm due to leave the other apartment, so I'll have to pay rent double up that month. And I can't afford that. I don't have the money. So, the both of us have bad feelings about the place, and I can't even afford it, so everything in me is telling me to call them up and tell them that I can't take it after all.
But I can't do that. I need to get a place to stay, cause I can't keep living like this. Sure, I really do like staying with my friend and all, but in the end it's putting too much strain on her and I just can't do that anymore. But most importantly, my head's about to fall apart. I can ignore it all I want, but it's going there, and I don't think I can stop it. When that happens, I'll break completely and I just can't stand to have anyone see me break. I can't be living with my friend when that happens, both for my own and for her sake, so I have to get out of here.
In the end, I really don't know what to do. I haven't the slightest idea. And if I don't find a solution to this problem sometime today, then I'm just fucked. I tried calling them a short while ago, but they didn't answer the phone. Right now I'm standing in between things, and I'm ready to tip either way. I'd give anything to figure out what to do. It's all just so frustrating...
I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but does it really have to be this hard?
onsdag 9. juni 2010
Coughcoughsneeze
I've been to the doctor today. Kind of actually forgot about that appointment, so when the note on my phone went off I got really stressed out. Especially since I was half asleep at the time, trying to get myself through a rather nasty flu that has kept me in bed for a week now.
I absolutely hate having the flu, cause it seriously kills me. My head's worse than ever, and my energy level is down below zero, so all I do is sleep and feel chewed on. I get worse than a man when I'm sick, seriously. I die.
But, yeah, I had my appointment at the doctor's. And it was no small appointment. Had to answer a lot of questions cause I'm going in to get my head scanned, and they had to weigh me and measure my height and stuff, and then they took a lot of blood samples and stuff, as well as measuring my blood pressure. And I'm going back in on monday to give some other samples, and then I'll be coming back again in July unless something happens and I get called in earlier.
I'm under serious investigation.
Still doing a lot of tests and answering a lot of questions when I'm at the psychologist, and so far I'm scoring under every single symptom their testing me for. Ain't that great? It basically means that at this point it looks like everything's wrong with me. But, we're just at the beginning of things, so hopefully we'll be able to narrow things down as we go. Hopefully.
Another issue to deal with is finding a new place to live. I can't keep staying with my friend like this, for several reasons, and I need to be out of my old place by the end of July. Which ain't far off now. But everything's so damned expensive, and I have the worst money situation ever, so I don't know what to do anymore. And we all know I can't just get a room mate, cause that would just drive me, and the unfortunate idiot, insane.
It's a real issue, and one I'm struggling with finding a solution to. Especially these days when I'm sick with the flu on top of everything else. I seriously feel like crawling in under a rock and just die, cause right now that would be the best thing ever. I'm way too tired, both physically and mentally, of everything to be able to deal with things any longer.
I'd give anything for some magical solution that could save me.
I absolutely hate having the flu, cause it seriously kills me. My head's worse than ever, and my energy level is down below zero, so all I do is sleep and feel chewed on. I get worse than a man when I'm sick, seriously. I die.
But, yeah, I had my appointment at the doctor's. And it was no small appointment. Had to answer a lot of questions cause I'm going in to get my head scanned, and they had to weigh me and measure my height and stuff, and then they took a lot of blood samples and stuff, as well as measuring my blood pressure. And I'm going back in on monday to give some other samples, and then I'll be coming back again in July unless something happens and I get called in earlier.
I'm under serious investigation.
Still doing a lot of tests and answering a lot of questions when I'm at the psychologist, and so far I'm scoring under every single symptom their testing me for. Ain't that great? It basically means that at this point it looks like everything's wrong with me. But, we're just at the beginning of things, so hopefully we'll be able to narrow things down as we go. Hopefully.
Another issue to deal with is finding a new place to live. I can't keep staying with my friend like this, for several reasons, and I need to be out of my old place by the end of July. Which ain't far off now. But everything's so damned expensive, and I have the worst money situation ever, so I don't know what to do anymore. And we all know I can't just get a room mate, cause that would just drive me, and the unfortunate idiot, insane.
It's a real issue, and one I'm struggling with finding a solution to. Especially these days when I'm sick with the flu on top of everything else. I seriously feel like crawling in under a rock and just die, cause right now that would be the best thing ever. I'm way too tired, both physically and mentally, of everything to be able to deal with things any longer.
I'd give anything for some magical solution that could save me.
tirsdag 1. juni 2010
Updates to things
I've been doing good for a couple of weeks now. Well, good compared to how I've been doing these latest months. And compared to them, these weeks have been heaven for me. I've had energy, I've been in a reasonable mood - often even a great mood - and not so depressed, I haven't seen or heard anything I know isn't there in a while, I haven't "lost" myself and started straying in strange directions personality-wise. I've been doing good.
The only issue I've had is the same one I've had for a couple of months now, and that is that my wrists hurt. And I can't look at them, cause if I do then I start bleeding from them. It's not real or anything, but that's what my head tells me. It's disturbing, but I've learned to just ignore it and generally not look at my wrists. It's all good.
I learned, however, this weekend, that wine does not do wonders for my head. I've yet to have any real problems with alcohol when it comes to me seeing things, cause generally it has no effect on that, but apparently wine triggers things. I started getting iffy, and finally I had a small breakdown in my cousin's apartment. Not pleasant... My sister got really worried, and she had a friend of hers drive me home so I could sleep. I did feel a lot better the day after, except from one sudden flash of a vision that disappeared as soon as it came, but ever since I've been in a really strange mood.
And today it's really, really bad. I seriously feel like I'm PMSing, but I know I'm not cause I'm in the middle of having my period. And I'm cold as hell, freezing and having to light up the fireplace even though it's sunny and warm June outside, and I generally feel really iffy inside my head. It hurts, a lot, and I can feel things are muddling around up there. I kind of fear that I'll start seeing things sometime during the day, or in the next couple of days, and it's freaking me out. I want to go hide somewhere, like I always do when things start to slip, but I'm living with a friend of mine so there's no real place to hide. And if I do hide, she'll get worried and come look for me. And I just don't want to cause that trouble.
Another thing is that I don't want to eat. It's stupid, really, cause I really do want food and I am hungry, but there's some sick part of my brain that's refusing to let me eat. I'm fighting myself to do so! It's so ridicules, and it's freaking me out a little. I haven't had any trouble with my identity for a while now, with how I've felt like someone else have been taking me over, but right now it's starting to feel like that again. And I don't know how to deal with it!
I seriously DO NOT want to start feeling like that again, where I don't even know who I am, cause it is without a doubt the worst thing I've ever gone through. Nevermind the anxiety and the depressions, or the things that aren't there that are talking to me. Not knowing who you are, even when you know, is absolutely horrible. And it's so scary, you wouldn't even believe it.
So yeah, I'm a little worried today...
*
When it comes to my treatment, things are going slow.
Right now, I am just under a lot of investigation, cause they're not quite sure what's wrong. I've been tested for ADHD, though we haven't gotten the results from that yet, and that can explain a lot of my lack of focus and general issues about keeping up with the world around me. But that doesn't explain the rest of my problems... They're now looking up on Bipolar, cause that explains my constant swinging up and down, and how my mood can change so extremely fast the way it does. But again, that doesn't explain everything. They've talked about schizophrenia, cause apparently that makes you see or hear things... But, again, it can explain everything, and they're still testing. A friend of mine has some sort of Dissociative disorder or something - can't remember exactly what it's called - and she tells me that it fits me perfectly. Reading up on it, I can see that it does, indeed, fit my problems rather well, though not all of them.
Right now, I'm kind of worried that my problems aren't so simple as I imagined them to be. I'm starting to fear that there might be several things that are combined to make everything as bad as it is, and that freaks me out a little. One thing can easily be treated - I'd even be willing to resort to taking medication if that could help me - as long as it's just that one thing alone, but several things combined isn't so simple. There is no way in hell I am going to be combining lots of different medication to try and see if I can get my head to stand still for a moment, cause that I know will kill it.
There's just no way.
I signed my papers last week, and on them it said that I have 3 months of pure investigation ahead of me, where they'll check my head from every angle possible. I'll be going down to the hospital to get my head scanned, again, in case there's a chance all this can be caused by something physical on my brain (at this point I kind of hope there is, cause it'll be so much easier to deal with, and operate), and they're planning on taking a lot of blood samples to check as well, on top of all the tests I'm taking when I'm down talking to the psychologist once a week. As I said, they're really hitting this from every angle possible.
I suppose that's a very good thing, really, cause maybe then we'll somehow figure out what's wrong, and start to treat it properly so I can live a somewhat normal life. It's been a dream of mine for years now...
The only issue I've had is the same one I've had for a couple of months now, and that is that my wrists hurt. And I can't look at them, cause if I do then I start bleeding from them. It's not real or anything, but that's what my head tells me. It's disturbing, but I've learned to just ignore it and generally not look at my wrists. It's all good.
I learned, however, this weekend, that wine does not do wonders for my head. I've yet to have any real problems with alcohol when it comes to me seeing things, cause generally it has no effect on that, but apparently wine triggers things. I started getting iffy, and finally I had a small breakdown in my cousin's apartment. Not pleasant... My sister got really worried, and she had a friend of hers drive me home so I could sleep. I did feel a lot better the day after, except from one sudden flash of a vision that disappeared as soon as it came, but ever since I've been in a really strange mood.
And today it's really, really bad. I seriously feel like I'm PMSing, but I know I'm not cause I'm in the middle of having my period. And I'm cold as hell, freezing and having to light up the fireplace even though it's sunny and warm June outside, and I generally feel really iffy inside my head. It hurts, a lot, and I can feel things are muddling around up there. I kind of fear that I'll start seeing things sometime during the day, or in the next couple of days, and it's freaking me out. I want to go hide somewhere, like I always do when things start to slip, but I'm living with a friend of mine so there's no real place to hide. And if I do hide, she'll get worried and come look for me. And I just don't want to cause that trouble.
Another thing is that I don't want to eat. It's stupid, really, cause I really do want food and I am hungry, but there's some sick part of my brain that's refusing to let me eat. I'm fighting myself to do so! It's so ridicules, and it's freaking me out a little. I haven't had any trouble with my identity for a while now, with how I've felt like someone else have been taking me over, but right now it's starting to feel like that again. And I don't know how to deal with it!
I seriously DO NOT want to start feeling like that again, where I don't even know who I am, cause it is without a doubt the worst thing I've ever gone through. Nevermind the anxiety and the depressions, or the things that aren't there that are talking to me. Not knowing who you are, even when you know, is absolutely horrible. And it's so scary, you wouldn't even believe it.
So yeah, I'm a little worried today...
*
When it comes to my treatment, things are going slow.
Right now, I am just under a lot of investigation, cause they're not quite sure what's wrong. I've been tested for ADHD, though we haven't gotten the results from that yet, and that can explain a lot of my lack of focus and general issues about keeping up with the world around me. But that doesn't explain the rest of my problems... They're now looking up on Bipolar, cause that explains my constant swinging up and down, and how my mood can change so extremely fast the way it does. But again, that doesn't explain everything. They've talked about schizophrenia, cause apparently that makes you see or hear things... But, again, it can explain everything, and they're still testing. A friend of mine has some sort of Dissociative disorder or something - can't remember exactly what it's called - and she tells me that it fits me perfectly. Reading up on it, I can see that it does, indeed, fit my problems rather well, though not all of them.
Right now, I'm kind of worried that my problems aren't so simple as I imagined them to be. I'm starting to fear that there might be several things that are combined to make everything as bad as it is, and that freaks me out a little. One thing can easily be treated - I'd even be willing to resort to taking medication if that could help me - as long as it's just that one thing alone, but several things combined isn't so simple. There is no way in hell I am going to be combining lots of different medication to try and see if I can get my head to stand still for a moment, cause that I know will kill it.
There's just no way.
I signed my papers last week, and on them it said that I have 3 months of pure investigation ahead of me, where they'll check my head from every angle possible. I'll be going down to the hospital to get my head scanned, again, in case there's a chance all this can be caused by something physical on my brain (at this point I kind of hope there is, cause it'll be so much easier to deal with, and operate), and they're planning on taking a lot of blood samples to check as well, on top of all the tests I'm taking when I'm down talking to the psychologist once a week. As I said, they're really hitting this from every angle possible.
I suppose that's a very good thing, really, cause maybe then we'll somehow figure out what's wrong, and start to treat it properly so I can live a somewhat normal life. It's been a dream of mine for years now...
onsdag 12. mai 2010
My health problems
I've been troubled for years, really, with a lot of different things. I can't really say that I know what it's like to be free of troubles and feeling perfectly happy about things, but in this day and age - who can? I suppose it's what's normal now.
Physically, the most annoying troubles would be the headaches. Or, I suppose I should say headache, and not headaches. It's one constant headache, and I've had it for so many years that I can no longer remember what it's like to not have a headache. I'm so used to it, I hardly even notice it anymore. It's just growling in the back of my head like a locked up mut that's mad with rabies or something. Just your everyday normal and pleasant company, right? Annoying background music that you're somewhat used to, and every now and then it gets turned up so loud that you can't ignore it anymore and you're left yelling at the damned thing to shut up. So, yeah, used to it, somewhat.
But it drains a lot, unfortunately. When your head is constantly hurting, trying to focus on something for a long time just makes it flare up and try to kill you as punishment for making it work. It's no fun, and it makes you very tired and upset. I'm very often in a bad mood, and most of the time it's the headache causing it.
There have been many attempts to find out what's causing it.
Tense muscles - the most common theory. I'm always very tense, so it's not a bad theory, and it's probably one of the many factors that are behind this constant headache, I'm sure.
Sensitive eyes - also a good theory. My eyes are light-sensitive, so I have special glasses that go dark when it's light out because of it, and staring at white or light backgrounds on TV, the computer, or books makes my head hurt. So, yeah, good theory.
Sensitive eardrums - another good theory. My eardrums are very sensitive, and they can detect even the slightest vibration, so I hear very well. I don't hear what people say to me, but that's an entirely different matter. Mainly, I just am incapable of sitting or standing in something that's moving, be it vehicles or carousels or even swings or office chairs. I get insanely sick and want to throw up my own brain. Wee.
Something wrong with my brain - failed theory. They've scanned me, and apparently I'm all good. Physically.
Yeah.
Basically; many good theories - no good final answer.
I also have a stomach ulcer. Probably caused by stress, which is also a good factor to count in with my headache, and it's painful. But, I've learned to live with it, and I've got medication for it, so I'll be fine. It's not the worst problem I have, so I can't be bothered crying over it. Gotta save that energy for other things.
I'm generally used to being in physical pain. There's always some part of me that's hurting. My head, of course, being the one thing that never stops hurting, and then there's the stomach as well. There are also the usual back pains, since my back has this stupid swing to it, and many other minor things that are too worthless to mention. Just drops in the ocean, really.
But, these physical troubles aren't my real problem.
They're just extras.
And most of them are probably caused by the real health issues that I have.
My mental health.
I've always seen things, my entire life, but usually they have been actual things. You know, supernatural things. The ability to sense such things have been in my family a long time, so it's not strange to me. I sense energy, see house elves, stuff like that. But the main important thing about all that is that supernatural things come with a feeling. I get this feeling inside me that tells me that this is something supernatural, so I know that that's what it is.
But, for some reason, I see other things as well. Not supernatural things, and not real and actual things. They are things manufactured by my head, and they aren't really there. And I know that, because these things doesn't come with the feeling the supernatural things come with. There's nothing. Only the knowledge at the back of my head that this isn't real. I am seeing it, hearing it, but it's not real.
For long periods, I've managed to ignore these problems, and go about my life as normal, but every now and then it acts up and I start seeing and hearing things. I've had certain periods where it's been very bad, and I've started to lose touch with reality. Those periods scare me. I had a very bad one around 6-7 years ago, when I was around 18-19 years of age, where I heard a lot of strange things. Didn't really see much back then, but I heard a lot. Constant voices in my head, talking to me, bothering me when I was trying to work and do normal things out in public. It was a nightmare. But, eventually they faded, I think. Can't really remember, to be honest.
When I turned 20, a lot of things snapped in my head. I shut myself in for two weeks, and the rest of the year I drifted between functioning semi-normal and just being plain insane. I was good at hiding it, though, so not many knew. But, I wasn't much present during that time. I can hardly even remember it. I just remember the bits and pieces and the times where things got really bad and I did a lot of weird shit when I lost control. I woke up in strange places, not even knowing how I got there, and I had strange wounds I couldn't even remember what had caused. It was a rather scary period in my life, and I quite often feared that something inside me would just take over and go berserk before killing me. A silly thing to fear, but it was quite real to me.
I've had depressions. On and off for years.
And anxiety issues. Panic attacks, social anxiety, stuff like that.
I've been on medication for both things, but stopped after a while.
I don't really like medication.
A year ago, I was checked for ADHD. I went through a lot of tests, and I got a lot of "positive" feedback. They had a very strong theory that ADHD could be the cause of most of my problems. I started reading up on things, and found that the general description of girls with ADHD did fit me. Especially how I can't seem to focus, ever, and how I shut the real world out cause I can't keep up with it. It explained a lot. If I had it, then that could pretty much frame this chaotic portrait I had been painting for years, and maybe even hang it up on the wall.
Of course, just my luck, I never got the results from that. We keep calling and nagging them about it, but no results. I'm just left hanging, with nothing to go on. Annoying, but what can one do? I suppose we just gotta keep trying to haul those results out of them.
About a year ago is also when things started to slide out again.
I had been fine for a long time, with not too many mental troubles. I was coping, moving on with my life, moving back to my home town again, getting back into the old habits with an old friend of mine, which really meant the world to me. Stuff looked to be going well.
And then it starts sliding.
I tried to ignore it, tried to fight it. Tried to pretend as if nothing was wrong. But, I suppose my life took a couple of wrong turns, and a couple of things went bad. I lost some things I didn't wanted to lose, and I hit a rather nasty wall. Half a year ago, or so, my head started to crack again. The breakdowns returned, I started seeing and hearing things again, the depression and anxiety flared up worse than ever, and I was starting on a rather nasty downwards slide. Then, earlier this year, things finally snapped. Entirely.
I don't know what happened. It was just something inside my head that finally cracked open, and I started falling apart at the seams. I started seeing things more often, and more intensely, and I got these random breakdowns all the time that I couldn't control. And then I started falling out.
I have moments where I'm gone, and I look around me and don't know where I am. I can't recognize anything, even though I try to tell myself that this is familiar. I know this. But it doesn't help, cause I'm just lost and confused. And then I started losing myself. For long periods, I have no idea who I am. Not in the sense that I can't remember my name or anything, but in the way that I look at who I am and I speak my own name, and it's all completely alien. There is nothing familiar about it, at all. Things I've loved for years seem wrong somehow. I'm not even sure I like it at all. Feelings I've had just disappear. Do I even feel that way? It's all gone, and I'm blank. I don't know who I am. My name holds no meaning, the things I've used to define who I am are all alien to me, and I can't feel anything. I'm gone.
And then, suddenly, I feel an attraction to things I've never liked. I can't stand mustard, and one day I couldn't even eat my own dinner without having mustard on it, and it tasted great! The chocolate snickers make me throw up cause I can't eat anything with peanuts or nuts in it, and yet I craved it like hell and couldn't eat enough of it. It tasted so good. I couldn't wear any of my jewelry, cause it felt wrong, and instead I started searching out other rings and necklaces I normally wouldn't wear. I wanted gold, even though I prefer silver. And the colours. I had to wear clothes of colours I've never liked, cause everything else felt wrong. It was like an entirely different person started to take control of my head, and I started moving in an entirely different direction. Everything changed! Even my behavior, I was told.
Now I am fighting.
My head is a battleground, quite literally, and there is never any peace in there. Ever. I feel like I am sitting in a corner inside my own mind, scared shitless, and just watching everything fall apart without being able to do anything about it. I don't even know what's happening. I've lost every last bit of control that I once had, and now it's all just sliding off the cliff.
I see things I know aren't there, and I panic. I freak out, and then I break down. Even though I know it's not real, and I know there's nothing to fear, I still can't help it. I just lose control, and the panic takes over. They place images in my head, random ones, and shutting my eyes doesn't make it go away. The images are still there, and they aren't pretty. Often, they are suggestions about things I should do, and they aren't pleasant suggestions. It's NOT things I want to do. I get ideas, placed in my head. And then I get scared. Like how a puddle of water is a portal to another dimension so if I walk over it I'll get sucked in. And that if I stand at at a certain place in a room, or walk past it, something will show up out of nowhere and eat me. And that if I look in the mirror, the mirror will lie to me and show me something that isn't real. It's all just insanity, yet I can't fight it. And I fall out, lose myself, and walk around confused. I don't recognize things I've known my entire life, cause they're all so alien. Like they belong to someone else. And I can feel several things in my head, fighting to take control and drag me off in some direction. And there are too many different directions. And I'm scared.
Inside my own head, I'm screaming. Crying for help, praying that something or someone can come save me from it all. Wishing so badly that whatever it is that's pulling at my seams will stop before I fall completely apart. I don't want to torn apart inside my own head. I ask, over and over again, every day, "who am I?" and still I find no answer. I don't know. And I don't want to sit down and try to think out who I am, and what I want. I just want to feel it, and know it. I just want to be me, and be in control of me. But I'm not.
I run so quickly between so many different emotions, and I have no idea where to settle. I feel fear the most, along with sadness and anger. It's strong, and constant, and it's all I have to stand on. There's no stable ground around me, or inside me, and I don't even know what it is that keeps me standing up anymore.
The doctors try to diagnose me, but they can't seem to figure out what's causing all this. My family and friends are all worried to death because of all this, and none of them know what to do. I can't go out in public, cause I'm too afraid that my head will slide out again and I'll have an episode of some sort and freak out. I can't do anything at all, cause I'm simply too sick.
I am seriously and quite badly sick.
And it's all in my head.
I'm just going insane.
Physically, the most annoying troubles would be the headaches. Or, I suppose I should say headache, and not headaches. It's one constant headache, and I've had it for so many years that I can no longer remember what it's like to not have a headache. I'm so used to it, I hardly even notice it anymore. It's just growling in the back of my head like a locked up mut that's mad with rabies or something. Just your everyday normal and pleasant company, right? Annoying background music that you're somewhat used to, and every now and then it gets turned up so loud that you can't ignore it anymore and you're left yelling at the damned thing to shut up. So, yeah, used to it, somewhat.
But it drains a lot, unfortunately. When your head is constantly hurting, trying to focus on something for a long time just makes it flare up and try to kill you as punishment for making it work. It's no fun, and it makes you very tired and upset. I'm very often in a bad mood, and most of the time it's the headache causing it.
There have been many attempts to find out what's causing it.
Tense muscles - the most common theory. I'm always very tense, so it's not a bad theory, and it's probably one of the many factors that are behind this constant headache, I'm sure.
Sensitive eyes - also a good theory. My eyes are light-sensitive, so I have special glasses that go dark when it's light out because of it, and staring at white or light backgrounds on TV, the computer, or books makes my head hurt. So, yeah, good theory.
Sensitive eardrums - another good theory. My eardrums are very sensitive, and they can detect even the slightest vibration, so I hear very well. I don't hear what people say to me, but that's an entirely different matter. Mainly, I just am incapable of sitting or standing in something that's moving, be it vehicles or carousels or even swings or office chairs. I get insanely sick and want to throw up my own brain. Wee.
Something wrong with my brain - failed theory. They've scanned me, and apparently I'm all good. Physically.
Yeah.
Basically; many good theories - no good final answer.
I also have a stomach ulcer. Probably caused by stress, which is also a good factor to count in with my headache, and it's painful. But, I've learned to live with it, and I've got medication for it, so I'll be fine. It's not the worst problem I have, so I can't be bothered crying over it. Gotta save that energy for other things.
I'm generally used to being in physical pain. There's always some part of me that's hurting. My head, of course, being the one thing that never stops hurting, and then there's the stomach as well. There are also the usual back pains, since my back has this stupid swing to it, and many other minor things that are too worthless to mention. Just drops in the ocean, really.
But, these physical troubles aren't my real problem.
They're just extras.
And most of them are probably caused by the real health issues that I have.
My mental health.
I've always seen things, my entire life, but usually they have been actual things. You know, supernatural things. The ability to sense such things have been in my family a long time, so it's not strange to me. I sense energy, see house elves, stuff like that. But the main important thing about all that is that supernatural things come with a feeling. I get this feeling inside me that tells me that this is something supernatural, so I know that that's what it is.
But, for some reason, I see other things as well. Not supernatural things, and not real and actual things. They are things manufactured by my head, and they aren't really there. And I know that, because these things doesn't come with the feeling the supernatural things come with. There's nothing. Only the knowledge at the back of my head that this isn't real. I am seeing it, hearing it, but it's not real.
For long periods, I've managed to ignore these problems, and go about my life as normal, but every now and then it acts up and I start seeing and hearing things. I've had certain periods where it's been very bad, and I've started to lose touch with reality. Those periods scare me. I had a very bad one around 6-7 years ago, when I was around 18-19 years of age, where I heard a lot of strange things. Didn't really see much back then, but I heard a lot. Constant voices in my head, talking to me, bothering me when I was trying to work and do normal things out in public. It was a nightmare. But, eventually they faded, I think. Can't really remember, to be honest.
When I turned 20, a lot of things snapped in my head. I shut myself in for two weeks, and the rest of the year I drifted between functioning semi-normal and just being plain insane. I was good at hiding it, though, so not many knew. But, I wasn't much present during that time. I can hardly even remember it. I just remember the bits and pieces and the times where things got really bad and I did a lot of weird shit when I lost control. I woke up in strange places, not even knowing how I got there, and I had strange wounds I couldn't even remember what had caused. It was a rather scary period in my life, and I quite often feared that something inside me would just take over and go berserk before killing me. A silly thing to fear, but it was quite real to me.
I've had depressions. On and off for years.
And anxiety issues. Panic attacks, social anxiety, stuff like that.
I've been on medication for both things, but stopped after a while.
I don't really like medication.
A year ago, I was checked for ADHD. I went through a lot of tests, and I got a lot of "positive" feedback. They had a very strong theory that ADHD could be the cause of most of my problems. I started reading up on things, and found that the general description of girls with ADHD did fit me. Especially how I can't seem to focus, ever, and how I shut the real world out cause I can't keep up with it. It explained a lot. If I had it, then that could pretty much frame this chaotic portrait I had been painting for years, and maybe even hang it up on the wall.
Of course, just my luck, I never got the results from that. We keep calling and nagging them about it, but no results. I'm just left hanging, with nothing to go on. Annoying, but what can one do? I suppose we just gotta keep trying to haul those results out of them.
About a year ago is also when things started to slide out again.
I had been fine for a long time, with not too many mental troubles. I was coping, moving on with my life, moving back to my home town again, getting back into the old habits with an old friend of mine, which really meant the world to me. Stuff looked to be going well.
And then it starts sliding.
I tried to ignore it, tried to fight it. Tried to pretend as if nothing was wrong. But, I suppose my life took a couple of wrong turns, and a couple of things went bad. I lost some things I didn't wanted to lose, and I hit a rather nasty wall. Half a year ago, or so, my head started to crack again. The breakdowns returned, I started seeing and hearing things again, the depression and anxiety flared up worse than ever, and I was starting on a rather nasty downwards slide. Then, earlier this year, things finally snapped. Entirely.
I don't know what happened. It was just something inside my head that finally cracked open, and I started falling apart at the seams. I started seeing things more often, and more intensely, and I got these random breakdowns all the time that I couldn't control. And then I started falling out.
I have moments where I'm gone, and I look around me and don't know where I am. I can't recognize anything, even though I try to tell myself that this is familiar. I know this. But it doesn't help, cause I'm just lost and confused. And then I started losing myself. For long periods, I have no idea who I am. Not in the sense that I can't remember my name or anything, but in the way that I look at who I am and I speak my own name, and it's all completely alien. There is nothing familiar about it, at all. Things I've loved for years seem wrong somehow. I'm not even sure I like it at all. Feelings I've had just disappear. Do I even feel that way? It's all gone, and I'm blank. I don't know who I am. My name holds no meaning, the things I've used to define who I am are all alien to me, and I can't feel anything. I'm gone.
And then, suddenly, I feel an attraction to things I've never liked. I can't stand mustard, and one day I couldn't even eat my own dinner without having mustard on it, and it tasted great! The chocolate snickers make me throw up cause I can't eat anything with peanuts or nuts in it, and yet I craved it like hell and couldn't eat enough of it. It tasted so good. I couldn't wear any of my jewelry, cause it felt wrong, and instead I started searching out other rings and necklaces I normally wouldn't wear. I wanted gold, even though I prefer silver. And the colours. I had to wear clothes of colours I've never liked, cause everything else felt wrong. It was like an entirely different person started to take control of my head, and I started moving in an entirely different direction. Everything changed! Even my behavior, I was told.
Now I am fighting.
My head is a battleground, quite literally, and there is never any peace in there. Ever. I feel like I am sitting in a corner inside my own mind, scared shitless, and just watching everything fall apart without being able to do anything about it. I don't even know what's happening. I've lost every last bit of control that I once had, and now it's all just sliding off the cliff.
I see things I know aren't there, and I panic. I freak out, and then I break down. Even though I know it's not real, and I know there's nothing to fear, I still can't help it. I just lose control, and the panic takes over. They place images in my head, random ones, and shutting my eyes doesn't make it go away. The images are still there, and they aren't pretty. Often, they are suggestions about things I should do, and they aren't pleasant suggestions. It's NOT things I want to do. I get ideas, placed in my head. And then I get scared. Like how a puddle of water is a portal to another dimension so if I walk over it I'll get sucked in. And that if I stand at at a certain place in a room, or walk past it, something will show up out of nowhere and eat me. And that if I look in the mirror, the mirror will lie to me and show me something that isn't real. It's all just insanity, yet I can't fight it. And I fall out, lose myself, and walk around confused. I don't recognize things I've known my entire life, cause they're all so alien. Like they belong to someone else. And I can feel several things in my head, fighting to take control and drag me off in some direction. And there are too many different directions. And I'm scared.
Inside my own head, I'm screaming. Crying for help, praying that something or someone can come save me from it all. Wishing so badly that whatever it is that's pulling at my seams will stop before I fall completely apart. I don't want to torn apart inside my own head. I ask, over and over again, every day, "who am I?" and still I find no answer. I don't know. And I don't want to sit down and try to think out who I am, and what I want. I just want to feel it, and know it. I just want to be me, and be in control of me. But I'm not.
I run so quickly between so many different emotions, and I have no idea where to settle. I feel fear the most, along with sadness and anger. It's strong, and constant, and it's all I have to stand on. There's no stable ground around me, or inside me, and I don't even know what it is that keeps me standing up anymore.
The doctors try to diagnose me, but they can't seem to figure out what's causing all this. My family and friends are all worried to death because of all this, and none of them know what to do. I can't go out in public, cause I'm too afraid that my head will slide out again and I'll have an episode of some sort and freak out. I can't do anything at all, cause I'm simply too sick.
I am seriously and quite badly sick.
And it's all in my head.
I'm just going insane.
Abonner på:
Innlegg (Atom)