Changes

Things have been extremely up and down, to say the least. So many things have been going on in my life these past weeks, and I honestly don't even know where to turn anymore.

I'll start with the biggest news of all: I've bought an apartment!

Yes, you read correct. I've actually bought an apartment, just 3 days ago! It's so amazing, I still can't seem to wrap my head around it. I just got really lucky, somehow. There's a small apartment that was put up for sale a good while back, and it was a forced sale because the original owner got bankrupt. Now, the place had been out on the market for ages, and nobody wanted it, so the people renting the place had made a really low offer that got accepted by the people selling the place. Now, because this apartment is in a tenant-owner association we've got here in town, the rules state that when buildings they sell get an offer that's accepted, they have to go public with it and give other people a chance at it. See, the way things work is that when you're a member of that association you get specific number that dates to the exact day you became a member, and using that number you can go in on a sale like this and offer the amount that have been accepted. If your number is older than the number of the person that gave the original offer that got accepted, and no one else have an older number, then YOU'RE the one who actually gets to buy the place! It's called stepping into the bid, or something like that.

And yes, that's what we did. Mum had an older number than the people who originally made the offer, and she let me inherit it so I could use to to step into the bid and buy the apartment! So, I got the place at, not only half the price of it's original worth, but at 1/10 of the original worth! It's beyond super-cheap, and you just can't get anything better than that! It's just damned lucky, if you ask me.

Of course, it came at a bitter price, and it still kind of bugs me. The original buyers were the people renting there, and it became MY responsibility to throw them out. It was a hard thing to swallow, especially since I know that they were the ones I literally stole the place from, so going down there after things got settled was the worst things I've ever done. But they took it well, and told me they understood, and I got them a bottle of wine to at least try and ease a little bit of my conscience, and then they signed the contract that stated that they had 1 and a half month to find another place and move out.

This means that in October, I'll be moving into my first real home. MY home. And I get to paint the walls and do whatever I want with the place, cause it's MINE. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that thought gives me. Owning your first place... It's beyond amazing. Even though I feel bad about throwing out the young couple living there, I still feel really good about actually having a place to live. I have a home, and that's the one thing I needed the most in life right now.


This whole thing with the apartment just really saved me. I can't even begin to describe how down I've been, and how much faith I had lost in absolutely everything. And just how ready I was to just give up... I still feel really down, and a part of me still want to give up, but at least now I have some stable ground beneath my feet. I needed this, more than anything, and without it I'm not sure I'd be alive right now. Everything else in my life is so damned uncertain, and I feel more alone now than I have ever done before. That empty hole inside me that's been there my entire life, as if a small part of my soul have gone missing, or have never even been there, have grown bigger. It has turned into a giant black hole that's just sucking up everything inside me and leaving me hollow. I'm not even sure it's painful anymore.

I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I can't seem to write, can't seem to draw, even if the ideas are there, and all I do is sit and stare at the wall. I've tried reading, and these past two days I've completely three books, yet I still don't feel any type of satisfaction. I've tried watching anime, but even that has just gotten boring. I don't even feel like gaming, and I'm certainly not up for chatting with people so I'm not too active online either.

I know it's probably the depression, cause these things doesn't let go just because I get one happy news. It'll probably take some time before I can manage to properly stand up again, and get away from that edge. Cause even though that apartment was the rope that saved me just in time before I fell down, I still have the trauma of almost falling looming over me like a black cloud. I've never been so down before, like the way I was last week and the week before that, and it feels as though a small part of me died and will never come back. It's a horrid feeling, really, and I hate it. But what can I do..?

At least this apartment is something good for me to focus on. I finally have some stable ground beneath me, something to build on, and it gives a good foundation. It might help me to stay strong and rebuild myself, and it's something I need more than anything right now. I've been praying for so long for something to come and save, for something I could stand on so that I wouldn't fall, and this just might be the answer to those prayers.

I'll cherish it, that's for sure. My first real home, and it's mine.