Hitting a new low

And breaking the record of being down...


I'm completely broken. Things couldn't really be worse right now, and I'm so tired and depressed that all I can think about is how I can escape this. I'll take anything, as long as it'll take me away from this world, from this life. I just can't take it anymore.

And things started out so good. I had spent most of the week up at a cabin and just enjoyed everything, in great company, and was finally starting to feel a bit positive again. Me and my best friend made plans on going out Friday night to have one tequila and a beer before heading to her place, and my family made plans on going to the movies before I went out and met my friend. The day started out great, the movie was really cool, and me and my friend had a good time at the bar. We had that tequila, then grabbed a beer, and sat down to talk to some friends of hers. I really enjoyed myself!

But, of course, it didn't last. Some men started getting a bit too close for my comfort, and there were just too many people around me on top of me starting to get a little too drunk, so my head started to act up. I got scared, really scared, and I could feel my entire body threatening to break down on me, and yet those damned guys wouldn't leave me alone. My friend had met up with someone she knew, and she was way too busy with him to notice that anything was wrong, so I just sat and struggled with it for a long time and hoped things would pass. But they didn't. And so I ran outside, just to get some space, and broke down. I sat on some stairs, in a corner, and cried, when one of the guys that had been a bit too close for comfort came after me.

He wouldn't leave me alone, and just talked about how he was so rich and was gonna open up a club or something and that he wanted me to be with him. I tried to tell him that I needed to be alone, and asked if he could please tell my friend that I had gone outside so she wouldn't get worried, but he just told me that she had already seen that I had left, and that she had been too busy with that friend of hers to even care. It hit me like a rock, but I tried to just shrug it away and think to myself that she'd probably call or text me when she wanted me to come back again, and then told the guy to please go inside and that I'd follow after a while. He tried to kiss me several times, and I kept trying to shove him away, before he finally left. And I got really scared again.

So I ran. I ran as fast as I could, crying, and just looked for someplace to hide.

I ended up at the graveyard, by my great grandmother's grave, and just collapsed there. I was so scared, so lonely, and I was just praying that my friend would start to miss me and call me to ask where I was. But I heard nothing. So I sat there until I fell over and just couldn't get up anymore, and an hour passed like that. Eventually I managed to get to my feet, and I started walking back into town, not even sure where I was supposed to go. I couldn't go back to the bar, cause that guy could still be there, and I couldn't get myself to call my friend cause she had obviously just forgotten about me since I hadn't heard from her at all. So I just walked, aimlessly, freezing my damned ass off, and somehow ended up walking straight on to a girl I've never seen before. She felt so sorry for me and wanted to keep me company, and to call the emergency scenter so they could help me, and so she followed me down to the taxi station and sat with me there for a while. I told her that I had nowhere to go, and what had happened, and she was so upset on my behalf. She was a really kind person, and it felt so good to feel that warmth.

Eventually, I decided to try and see if I could find the spare keys to my grandparent's house, since they're away, and we started walking in that direction. We said good bye at the gas station, cause she was going somewhere else, and I started walking towards my grandparent's house, which is also where my friend lives. Then, after a while, I saw my friend on the road ahead of me, talking on the phone. I hurried to catch up with her, suppressing the bitterness I felt about her going home without even telling me since we had agreed on me staying the night at her place, and just wanted to talk and feel better about things since I was really depressed. And she got upset with me, asking where the hell I had been. I got so surprised by her reaction that I could hardly speak at all, so I just stammered something out and hoped she'd calm down. And then she just told me that this couldn't work anymore, and it became so clear by her tone that she just couldn't stand me anymore and wanted me to just get away from her. She didn't want anything to do with me. I just stopped, feeling the world crumble down around me, and all I could do was swallow the pain and just nod and whisper okay. And then I turned around and started walking as the tears couldn't be held back anymore. She didn't bother to stop me, and just quickly left the scene. I was alone.

I collapsed a bit down the road, too empty to even cry anymore, and wondered where I was supposed to go. My parents had told me not to come home in the middle of the night and wake them, and my best and only friend had just made it clear that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, so I had nowhere to go. It was raining, it was cold, and I had nowhere to go. There and then I promised myself that I wasn't going to live like this anymore. I wasn't going to live at all. I have no place here in this world, and it's time to leave it.

I remembered that I had the key to an empty apartment that I had been bidding on, and I slowly made my way there. The place was empty, cold and dark, but at least it was inside and away from the rain. I locked myself in and hid in the corner in the bedroom, and I sat there the rest of the night and the morning. Nine hours passed, and I just sat in that corner, with a knife against my wrists. I wanted to badly to just disappear, like I had promised that I'd do, but I chickened out. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid of the pain, and I knew that I didn't want the last thing I ever felt in this world to be pain. I've had enough of that already...

I thought I would freeze to death. Kind of hoped I would. But I didn't. I just sat there until the night had passed and the day started. It was around noon that I finally dragged myself to my feet and made my way out of the apartment and started walking towards town. I felt like I was walking in my sleep, or as if I had moved outside of reality. That feeling... I've never been in so much pain before. Never.

I called one of my sisters, asking if she was at work, and then walked over to see her. I looked like a damned mess, and she came out to greet me as soon as she saw me approaching the store. She just hugged me, then dragged me off to see my other sister. She took one look at me, then grabbed hold of my hand and the two of them dragged me into an office to talk to me. They both looked as if I had just been kidnapped, raped and nearly killed when they looked at me. I suppose I kind of looked like it... So I told them what had happened, and that I didn't know what too do or where to go, and they told me to go home to my parents. It was the best solution. I knew they were right, but it felt so painful. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to go to sleep somewhere, and never wake up. But I just nodded and silently agreed with them, and then I walked up to my parents' house.

I slept the rest of the day, and when I didn't sleep I just stared into the wall. I had nothing else to do. No energy, no will to even breathe. Then they called me from the real estate agency and told me that my offer had been declined. I wasn't going to get the apartment I had been bidding on, and that I had spent that one cold and lonely night in. I had no hopes of getting a home after all... And that just took the rest of what had been left of my will to exist. My mother came down and asked me to please eat something, so I walked upstairs and had a small bite of their leftovers before going back downstairs to sleep again. And here I've stayed.

I'm so broken, and it hurts so badly inside of me. I feel so hated, so unwanted, and all I want is to just get away from everything. I wish I had tried to explain things instead of just leaving when she got mad at me, but would it really have made a difference? She's obviously mad at me, sick of me, or else she would've called me or texted me by now. But she hasn't, so I know that her outburst wasn't just the alcohol talking. She's just sick of me. So now I am alone, and I am homeless.

Never before have I been so without a will to exist. Before I just wanted to leave this world, and find another one. Now I just want to die.

What else can I do..?