Updates to things

I've been doing good for a couple of weeks now. Well, good compared to how I've been doing these latest months. And compared to them, these weeks have been heaven for me. I've had energy, I've been in a reasonable mood - often even a great mood - and not so depressed, I haven't seen or heard anything I know isn't there in a while, I haven't "lost" myself and started straying in strange directions personality-wise. I've been doing good.

The only issue I've had is the same one I've had for a couple of months now, and that is that my wrists hurt. And I can't look at them, cause if I do then I start bleeding from them. It's not real or anything, but that's what my head tells me. It's disturbing, but I've learned to just ignore it and generally not look at my wrists. It's all good.

I learned, however, this weekend, that wine does not do wonders for my head. I've yet to have any real problems with alcohol when it comes to me seeing things, cause generally it has no effect on that, but apparently wine triggers things. I started getting iffy, and finally I had a small breakdown in my cousin's apartment. Not pleasant... My sister got really worried, and she had a friend of hers drive me home so I could sleep. I did feel a lot better the day after, except from one sudden flash of a vision that disappeared as soon as it came, but ever since I've been in a really strange mood.

And today it's really, really bad. I seriously feel like I'm PMSing, but I know I'm not cause I'm in the middle of having my period. And I'm cold as hell, freezing and having to light up the fireplace even though it's sunny and warm June outside, and I generally feel really iffy inside my head. It hurts, a lot, and I can feel things are muddling around up there. I kind of fear that I'll start seeing things sometime during the day, or in the next couple of days, and it's freaking me out. I want to go hide somewhere, like I always do when things start to slip, but I'm living with a friend of mine so there's no real place to hide. And if I do hide, she'll get worried and come look for me. And I just don't want to cause that trouble.

Another thing is that I don't want to eat. It's stupid, really, cause I really do want food and I am hungry, but there's some sick part of my brain that's refusing to let me eat. I'm fighting myself to do so! It's so ridicules, and it's freaking me out a little. I haven't had any trouble with my identity for a while now, with how I've felt like someone else have been taking me over, but right now it's starting to feel like that again. And I don't know how to deal with it!
I seriously DO NOT want to start feeling like that again, where I don't even know who I am, cause it is without a doubt the worst thing I've ever gone through. Nevermind the anxiety and the depressions, or the things that aren't there that are talking to me. Not knowing who you are, even when you know, is absolutely horrible. And it's so scary, you wouldn't even believe it.

So yeah, I'm a little worried today...

*

When it comes to my treatment, things are going slow.

Right now, I am just under a lot of investigation, cause they're not quite sure what's wrong. I've been tested for ADHD, though we haven't gotten the results from that yet, and that can explain a lot of my lack of focus and general issues about keeping up with the world around me. But that doesn't explain the rest of my problems... They're now looking up on Bipolar, cause that explains my constant swinging up and down, and how my mood can change so extremely fast the way it does. But again, that doesn't explain everything. They've talked about schizophrenia, cause apparently that makes you see or hear things... But, again, it can explain everything, and they're still testing. A friend of mine has some sort of Dissociative disorder or something - can't remember exactly what it's called - and she tells me that it fits me perfectly. Reading up on it, I can see that it does, indeed, fit my problems rather well, though not all of them.

Right now, I'm kind of worried that my problems aren't so simple as I imagined them to be. I'm starting to fear that there might be several things that are combined to make everything as bad as it is, and that freaks me out a little. One thing can easily be treated - I'd even be willing to resort to taking medication if that could help me - as long as it's just that one thing alone, but several things combined isn't so simple. There is no way in hell I am going to be combining lots of different medication to try and see if I can get my head to stand still for a moment, cause that I know will kill it.

There's just no way.

I signed my papers last week, and on them it said that I have 3 months of pure investigation ahead of me, where they'll check my head from every angle possible. I'll be going down to the hospital to get my head scanned, again, in case there's a chance all this can be caused by something physical on my brain (at this point I kind of hope there is, cause it'll be so much easier to deal with, and operate), and they're planning on taking a lot of blood samples to check as well, on top of all the tests I'm taking when I'm down talking to the psychologist once a week. As I said, they're really hitting this from every angle possible.

I suppose that's a very good thing, really, cause maybe then we'll somehow figure out what's wrong, and start to treat it properly so I can live a somewhat normal life. It's been a dream of mine for years now...