Brainscanned

Today I kind of got too much on my mind, and it's not healthy for me.


Had the MRI of my head today, and it didn't quite go as I thought. I had no anxiety or anything, cause I'm really not claustrophobic or anything like that, so I had no real trouble lying still in there for 20 min. But, as I was lying there, waiting for things to be over with, I got real sad. I had this deep, strong wish that they'd find something, like a tumor or anything else, so I'd have an actual logical and physical for why my head's falling apart. It was such a tough wish to suddenly realize that I had, that tears started to fall as I lay there. It was painful, deep inside, but all I could do was just suffer myself through those 20 minutes and blink away the tears without a sound. It was the longest and hardest 20 minutes of my life...

When I got out, I got dressed, shaky and tired, and as we got out and waited for mom by the car, I sat down and let some more tears come. Both my friend - who had been kind enough to come with me - and my mom got worried, but I told them it was nothing and that I was okay. Now I'm just feeling sad. I've had the thought before, but I had no idea the wish was that intense, and finding that out as I was lying there was beyond painful. And real tough to swallow.


I also had an appointment at the psychologist today, and we finished a test we had started on the last time I was there. From what she could tell from that test - which is just a general overlook of symptoms - she could point out at least 8 different things that I scored highly under. But, taking into consideration my main issues, she could get that down to just 3 instead that they'd go deeper into. Bipolar, ADHD and something about some general personality disorder thing I can't quite remember what's called. We're gonna start investigating the last one next week, and see where that gets us. So yeah, at least it seems like we're slowly getting there.

I'm glad I'm under this investigation, but it's tiresome. And I'm scared. A part of me is afraid that I'll have to live like this for the rest of my life, and never be able to function fully at all. Or just be dependent on too much damned medication to be able to function. I don't think I'd be able to live like that. I'd take any other solution over any of those.


Another issue that's pretty big right now, and that's bothering me a lot, is my living situation. It's been on my mind all day, and I'm pretty frustrated right now. I went to see an apartment last week, and this weekend I was told that I got it so tomorrow I'm supposed to go sign the contract. But something's not right. I've had this strange feeling about the place ever since I went to check it out, despite the fact that it's a really nice place, and when I told my mom that I got it she bluntly told me to say no. She had a bad feeling about it. And, also, I'll be getting it one month before I'm due to leave the other apartment, so I'll have to pay rent double up that month. And I can't afford that. I don't have the money. So, the both of us have bad feelings about the place, and I can't even afford it, so everything in me is telling me to call them up and tell them that I can't take it after all.

But I can't do that. I need to get a place to stay, cause I can't keep living like this. Sure, I really do like staying with my friend and all, but in the end it's putting too much strain on her and I just can't do that anymore. But most importantly, my head's about to fall apart. I can ignore it all I want, but it's going there, and I don't think I can stop it. When that happens, I'll break completely and I just can't stand to have anyone see me break. I can't be living with my friend when that happens, both for my own and for her sake, so I have to get out of here.

In the end, I really don't know what to do. I haven't the slightest idea. And if I don't find a solution to this problem sometime today, then I'm just fucked. I tried calling them a short while ago, but they didn't answer the phone. Right now I'm standing in between things, and I'm ready to tip either way. I'd give anything to figure out what to do. It's all just so frustrating...


I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but does it really have to be this hard?