Up and down, and up again

It's been a roller coaster week, that's for sure.

Most of the week was spent helping out a friend of mine paint her new apartment, and it involved a lot of early mornings and extremely sore muscles. Last weekend was a blast, as we spent the entire weekend at her apartment. Friday ended up out on town and drinking way too much alcohol (I couldn't even stand on my feet when we came back to her place), and Saturday we were hung over and snowed in. It was hilarious, and we had a lot of fun just painting and nursing ourselves. Can't actually remember the last time I had that much fun, and it was sorely needed cause I've been extremely down lately.

Had a very good appointment with my psychologist earlier this week, which gave a rather heavy boost to my mood, and it made me see that I might just have a future after all. My big dream is to own my own gaming company, and after a lot of encouragement from my psychologist and my best and most dearest friend in the entire world I think I might be able to pull that off. I mean, why not? At least I'm gonna do some research on the matter and see if I'll be able to make it happen.

As for my mood and my sanity, things are as up and down as they've always been. I can feel that I'm extremely depressed, and I get sad about anything and everything, but I'm forcing myself to smile through it all with the hope that if I just smile long enough, the pain will somehow disappear. Don't know if that'll work in the long run, but so far it's been the only thing that has kept me from drowning myself. And that has got to count for something, right?

I've had a very lonely weekend, but that's really nothing new, so I've just learned to ignore that. Hopefully next week will be a good one, and maybe I can somehow manage to do something fun next weekend to make me feel better about this one.

I'm still feeling scared and lost, but I'm praying that things'll change and that I'll somehow find something to hold on to.

Someday, somehow, the pain has got to stop.
At least that's what I want to believe.

Rambling

I feel really lost. Really, truly and seriously lost.

What am I to do with my life? What am I to do with myself?

I'm 26, and I've dug myself so far down my own hole that I'm scared I'll never make it out again. Where did I go wrong? When and where was that wrong turn I did that made me end up where I am now? And will I ever be able to fix it? Will I ever be able to feel good about myself, and my life, and just be happy? Down here in my dark little hole, it's practically impossible to any speck of light, and it scares me.

What did I do wrong in life, that brought all of this upon me?

I'm so scared, and I don't think anyone can truly understand just how insanely scared I am. When I sit here, alone, and feel no joy at all, nothing but hopelessness, lack of energy, and just drown in this immense loneliness, I get truly scared. Though I can't really say what it is that I'm afraid of. I'm just so scared. And I truly fear that this is how I'm going to live the rest of my life. Chocked to death by fear.

I don't want to be sent away. How many times have I said that, and thought that? I don't want to be sent away. I don't want them to submit me to a psychiatric clinic for several months, miles away from everything known and safe, and with strangers all around me. I can't even begin to describe how much I don't want this. But no one sees that. No one hears me screaming. They all just drown my words with their own, forcing their thoughts and opinions down my throat until I feel like I can't breathe anymore. Why? Why, why, why? It's as if they don't want to understand. They tell me it's cause they care, but if they truly did care, would they force me to do something I truly and honestly do not want to do?

I've been trying to think of the future lately, but it just leaves me even more scared than before. Do I even have a future? I mean, I have no education. I've spent most of my life being too "sick" to work. And I haven't found a single thing that I don't tire of, and truly enjoy doing. I can't even find the energy to do the things I actually do enjoy doing. So how am I to find a job? To get a proper income, and buy a proper home? I can't see a future ahead of me. I just can't. And that scares me.

I want to write; I've got so many stories in my head I want to get out, but all my writing projects fail even before they're started. I just can't seem to get it all out, and down on paper for someone else to see. How am I supposed to spend my life writing when everything I want to write refuse to come out? And I want to draw; I've got endless pictures inside my head, but I can't seem to get anything done. The empty paper just stares at me and the pencil feels so heavy in my hand. The images are there, yet they won't come out. I don't have the energy for it. So how am I supposed to make a living through my drawings when I can't get myself to draw anything? And I want so badly to design; I'm nearly drowning in ideas, but for some reasons I can't make the ideas real. Every time I try to sit down and get the ideas down, I go blank, or it comes out wrong and looks horrible. And I just keep thinking to myself; are these ideas really worth anything, or are they all just crap? So how am I to make a living as a designer, when all the designs just stay inside my head instead of getting created?

I can't even count how many times I've started on some project, only to give up before I've even gotten half way. Obviously, the problem here is me. I can't really see anything else. I gotta change everything about me, about who I am, to fix my life. There really isn't any other solution.

Gotta admit, the first thing that pops to mind is to get a rifle and find a suitable spot on top of a building in the middle of town and just take out random people until I've had enough and take out myself. Of course, I know that's not much of a solution, but it's sounding pretty damned tempting. At least it'll fix something. It'll get me out of all this.

I don't know... Maybe watching TV when I'm too tired to do anything, and too bored to do nothing, isn't good for me. I get strange ideas.

I want a different life.

But more than that, I want the strength to change my life.

Tired of being invisble

I just did something I never thought I'd do. I actually wrote to a public magazine about my troubles, asking for advice.

I guess I've just come to a point where I can't keep bottling things up anymore, so I had to get it all out somehow. I don't know if it'll be put in the magazine, or replied to, but at least it helped just to write things down. I broke down in the middle of writing, and finished up the e-mail in tears, but it actually felt kind of good. Like I got something out.

I also read the latest comment a friend of mine had given me on my last blog entry, and it made me cry even more. I completely broke down, and I'm still crying, cause it felt so unbearably good to have someone see me. To feel that someone cared.

To be seen, or heard, is just about the only thing I want right now.

I just feel so invisible and alone these days, and it hurts so much. I don't really have anyone I can turn to anymore. The two beings closest to me (whom I love more than anything) have so much to worry about, and I just don't have the conscience to bother them. My mother don't need more things to worry about right now, cause she's already worn down by a lot of things, and I feel like I'm imposing if I contact my best friend. I feel like I'm too demanding if I ask a bit of her time, when I know she's got so much to do, so I don't even dare call her anymore.

Out of pure desperation, I just sat down and wrote that e-mail to the magazine. I had been reading through an issue I had bought a while back for the big horoscope folder that comes with it, and the thought just dropped into my head. Why don't I write to them? They have special spaces in each issue that are dedicated to letters from their readers where people ask for help and advice for a lot of things, so why not. Couldn't hurt, right?

So, yeah. Now I'm just gonna wait and see if I get any response on it.
It's the only thing I could think of right now.
I need to get out of this hole, somehow.

Be kind, rewind

I wish life had come with a rewind button...

I am feeling so much like crap these days, and I just want to burrow myself down deep below something and rot there. My mood is horrible, I'm so depressed that I want to just shoot myself, and I'm so insanely lonely that it physically hurts to breathe. And yet I can't seem to find the strength to do anything about it, so I just sit here in my misery and cry.

It feels like no one sees me, or hears me, and I'm left all alone with my pain.

Needless to say, it hurts like a bitch...



Just like I knew it would, my birthday still bothers me. I wish I could just go back in time and do it all over, so that it wouldn't hurt as much when I think about it. It was a complete and utter failure, and possibly the worst birthday I've ever had in my entire life. The entire week before it was horrible, the day before it was a complete catastrophe, the actual day was lonely and miserable, while the day after was just empty. I never really celebrated it, and neither did anyone else. Got some texts on my cellphone, and some greetings on facebook, but that's about it. Had coffee the day after, with a cake, and I got presents from all of my parents, my brother and my grandparents. The rest of the world? Didn't seem to care. Didn't get as much as a card or anything from the rest of my family or friends.

So yeah, I wish I could go back in time and celebrate it. Maybe turn it into a good memory instead of a bad one. Right now I just feel like drowning myself every time I think about it. Well, these days I just feel like drowning myself no matter what I do...



Why does it always have to be like this? I'm so tired now. So tired of feeling miserable and alone, and so tired of feeling like no one sees me. It feels like I'm screaming at a wall. Nobody's listening... I want to run away. Just disappear. See if anyone even notice that I'm gone... Or even care. It's not like I'm needed here anyway. No one ever needs me. No one ever has. I'm just a flaw in this world's design, an unwanted extra addition no one needs. That's the way it's always been.

I just don't get it. Why do I even bother? I try, and try, and try so hard, but nothing I do matters. So why do I keep on trying? Why am I that stupid?
Why can't I just leave? Just take off, and leave everything behind.

Right now, that's all I really want.
There just isn't any point in staying here anymore...

The world is such a fucked up place

Yes, I am in a ranting mood, so sit your friggin' ass down and listen to me.

The world is a fucked up place, and it ruins people. Good people with good purposes get worn down and after a while they sink down into the mud and disappear. Some even kill themselves. Why? Because the world creates ideals that are impossible to reach, making people feel bad about themselves. There's nothing wrong with YOU! It's the world you live in that's the problem.

Places like Facebook makes me so god damned depressed and angry. It's like the place has been designed only to throw it in your face how much better everyone else around you is and how much of a failure you are. It just helps the general world in wearing down the good people.

I know some beautiful people. And I mean really beautiful. My best friend is the most gorgeous woman alive, in every possible way, and she's got a beautiful body and a lovely face. And despite this she has issues with her own weight and appearance, simply because there are idiots out there that lives by the ideals the world sets and tells her she doesn't meet those ideals. It's just a bunch of crap, if you ask me. She's beautiful, and if they can't see it then they're the ones there's something wrong with. My mother has the same issue, feeling like she's overweight and not pretty enough, even though she's such a gorgeous woman that so many look up to. I've always bragged about having the most beautiful mum, and it's not just pretend. She is beautiful. But the world makes her believe otherwise. Idiot world. And my sisters, my gorgeous sisters, are so pretty in every possible way, and I admire them so much. But I know they have their issues. One of them is constantly trying to loose weight, thinking herself to be overweight despite the fact that she's thin as a nail! She is so perfect just the way she is, both of them are, but again the world is a fucked up place and won't let them see that.

I know a lot of beautiful and good people, and yet they see themselves as less than crap because the world gets to them. It gets to me too, making me feel like a worthless shit because I'm sick and don't have a proper job or friends or whatever else the world obviously think is important that you have. I am so sick and tired of it, and I'm so damned sick of feeling like I'm nothing but toxic waste just because I'm not 'perfect' like the world wants me to be.

I know I've got faults and issues - damn it, I live with them every day so of course I know! - and I have my bad days. I get depressed easily, I've got self-esteem problems, and I always believe that I am worthless in the eyes of others so I stay away from people thinking they're better off without me as lump in their lives. Facebook pisses me off cause in there I see daily how much better other people's lives are, them having jobs or going to school, having homes they love, having a bunch of friends they hang out with, and just generally are so much more accomplished in life than I am. It's a constant reminder thrown in my face every time I log in to that site.

Why does it have to be that way? For years I've always had the idea that there was something wrong with me, cause I can't seem to fit into the world in a perfect way. But in the end, there's not me there's something wrong with. It's the world. It's those idiotic ideals the world creates, then throws into people's faces and have them long for them, making them feel bad about themselves for not reaching those ideals.

Why do you have to be less perfect just because you don't have this or that thing, or look exactly like that, or have that specific weight, or know those specific things? The world is a fucked up place, out to ruin every good soul out there that deserves so much more.

Ignore the world. Ignore it's ideals. Be YOU! Feel good about being YOU! And be effin' proud of who YOU are! Don't listen to the idiotic world and what it tells you. Just tell the world to go to hell, cause you certainly don't need it! You're so much better than it. Because YOU, you're absolutely perfect, with all your flaws and ticks and god knows what. It's what makes you who you are, and you're gorgeous! And never forget; there's always someone out there who loves YOU for who YOU are, no matter who you are or what you're like.

If we all just learned to love ourselves a little more, then maybe in the end the world would become a better place. Cause right now, the world is shit, and it makes us all feel like shit.

I know I, for one, is tired of feeling like shit.