Toxic Waste

Is what I am...

I've had one of the worst nights ever. Nightmare after nightmare after nightmare, and way too little proper sleep. I feel absolutely exhausted. The last thing that happened was that I somehow got stuck in a loop where I kept waking up and tried to get out of bed, only to find out that I wasn't awake after all. It was bloody awful, and when I finally woke up for real I sat up so quickly in bed that the entire body ached, and I had to keep telling me that I was awake now and mustn't fall asleep again.

I feel like I've been chewed on...

Apparently I'm not the only one who has had a rough night. Mum hadn't slept much cause she has had some trouble with her feet aching so much that she wished she could cut them off. Doesn't sound pleasant... And my poor sister has had nightmares as well, according to her blog. I suppose it was just one of those bad nights.

Dunno about the rest of the world, cause right now I really don't feel like logging on to that damned facebook thing to check. Don't really see why I should bother, cause the place is just a constant reminder about how little I am worth and that I really don't have much of a life compared to the rest of the people in there. I am nothing but toxic waste.

I am feeling better now, truly. I figured out that it was that specific place that made me depressed, so now that I haven't checked it since Saturday I feel a bit better. Of course, it makes me feel a bit left out and I'm constantly wondering how everyone's doing, but it's a small price to pay I suppose. I feel enough unloved as it is, without that place constantly throwing it in my face.

Sites like that always make me feel this way. Alone and worthless. And it's not a good feeling... I guess it just hurts to see how accomplished people seem to be, and how many friends they have, and how much fun they have together, when my life seems to be standing still with nothing but misery. And I am fully aware that it's my own fault that my life is like this. If only I hadn't been sick... If only I hadn't had all these annoying issues... If only I could have a proper job... If only I could have a better home... If only, if only, if only. The most repeated words in my entire thought system.

I guess I'm just tired of feeling like toxic waste. I wish I had the strength to change that. But what can I do? I don't even have the strength to log on to facebook and check that bloody thing, so how could I ever have the strength to fix my life? It seems so hopeless. And I feel so powerless...

Something tells me I might be in for a rough week, when this is how the entire week starts. Nightmares and feeling like crap. Oh joy.

The tiny little part of me that still holds a miniature shred of a hope? Yeah, it hopes for something good to happen, like it always does. It would've been nice... And a welcomed change in my life.

The world on ignore

Bad day, and I don't even know why.

I've been really down for weeks now, but today the world just decided to slap my depression in my face, for no real reason at all, and it made me hate it even more. I think maybe I just need that big ignore button and push it back in the face of the world. Today, and probably for a while onwards, I'm just gonna ignore its existence and focus on something else.

I don't even know what my problem is anymore, aside from the fact that I just generally don't get along with the world. I've never felt like I've fitted in, and I've longed for other worlds my entire life. Sometimes it just comes to a point where I've had enough, and need a break. Dunno how you take a break from the world, tho...

I think maybe it's cause it's weekend. I hate weekends. I sit alone and stare at the computer screen with nothing to do, and it just helps to add to the feeling of being utterly alone and that I have no life here. I have no friends I can spend time with, cause I grow tired of people after no time at all, and I just don't feel like I've got anyone here that I can turn to when I need some love and attention. Everyone's got their perfect little circles of loved ones, and I just feel left out. I envy them. I wish I could have such close relationships to people, and be able to just go out and have fun with someone. Instead I'm left here alone, in a tiny apartment, with nothing but my own miserable company.

And we all know how much I hate my own company.

*sigh* I need something good in my life. Something that cheers me up and make me feel good. But the way I grow so quickly tired of things, as well as people, I really don't see that happening any time soon, if at all.

I have no path. No real reason to exist. I feel like a big ugly lump on the world's ass, to put it in a nice way. I just don't feel like I belong, or have any real reason to be here. And every now and then, that feeling gets so intense that it becomes plain unbearable. And that's when I just need to put everything on ignore and nurse my newly opened wounds. It's like they'll never heal at all...

I'm just one big open wound, infected by dirt.

I'm tired of it all.

Put it out of its misery

Is what comes to mind when I ponder on what to do with myself...

My apartment is a mess, and it's taking forever to tidy things up. I move two things, and my body start to tremble and I have to sit down for a while to relax and calm myself. You can safely say that things are being done at the pace of a snail in here. And, then there's the matter with the bills... Due to a misunderstanding, I have to pay the rent for my apartment from October and until January THIS MONTH! I don't have that kind of money! And then there's the electricity bill, and internet bill, and a couple of other small ones, and not to mention the issue with the old school loan that's still hunting me. And I have no money! I have no idea how to get through this...


I keep praying for divine intervention, cause right now my life is such a big mess that I don't think I'll ever be able to fix things. I have no idea what to do. Everything's so chaotic, and all I want to do is crawl beneath something and just die there. I can find a shred of hope within me, cause right now everything just seems so hopeless. I want to give up. I want to just disappear. To simply stop existing...

I am fighting myself, daily. Most of me just want to die and be done with it, but there's one small part of me that is too stubborn to let go and just keeps on crawling forward while ignoring the rest of me. I feel like I'm being torn apart by it all, and I have no idea what to do about it.

I sleep for 12 hours, and most of that sleep is restless and full of dreams. When I finally crawl out of bed I feel like I've been run over. And I look like it too. My reflection in the mirror scares me to death, cause I don't think I've ever seen myself look so down and lifeless. My eyes have turned gray - and they used to be such a brilliant blue - my skin is icky, and my hair is horribly lifeless. I look like a ghost. And every time I see myself, I just want to cry cause it's so horrible to see myself this way. I've never looked this bad before...

And then there's the matter of the clinic. My mum keeps mentioning it, and I keep telling her to please don't talk about it. I'd rather not think about the fact that I'll be sent away for 3 long months, to be spent some strange and alien place with doctors I've never seen before. Just the thought makes me want to run away and never look back. I hate it. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I DON'T WANT TO GO! I really don't want to... But no one understands. No one hears me when I speak, no one sees me when I look at them. It's like I'm nothing to the world but a lump they want to get rid of. They just don't understand. And I don't know if I can make them understand. The only reason for why I am agreeing to be sent up there is because I don't want to be in their way anymore. I'm only leaving because they don't want me here. Because THEY want me to go. Like everything else in my life, I'm not doing it for myself...

And now I'm angry! I'm so damned angry, and frustrated, and depressed, and I just feel so utterly hopeless that I just want to go outside and scream as loud as I possibly can. GOD DAMN IT, SEE ME! HEAR ME! Understand me.

I'm ready to give up. I'm ready to lay down and die. I'm ready to just disappear. So why? Why, why, why can't something just please come and save me from it all? Take me away from this world, the misery and the chaos I'm neck-deep in, and let me be free of it all. Why can't anyone see that the solution isn't in sending me away to some foreign place and leave me to be alone there with nothing safe to cling to but my own self? I fear I just might go insane if I do...

No one hears me if I scream. They can't even see me. What's the point of even trying anymore?

Birthday blues

I had the loneliest birthday ever...

I've had birthday anxieties since I turned 20, and this year wasn't much better. The entire week before my birthday I was in a bad mood, depressed and just generally feeling like shit, and I started getting existence issues again. I simply didn't want to exist. And then the day before my birthday came.

It was a horrible day, and I knew it the moment I woke up from a nightmare and stumbled out of bed that this was a day I'd rather just avoid. I was heavily depressed all day, just wanting to disappear or stop existing. I seriously had to struggle to get myself to keep on breathing the entire day. And so, as people came over, I simply retreated and hoped to ignore my own head and the anxiety I had been fighting all day. But things didn't work out well, and I did a horrible thing, letting my weakness get the better of me and making the dearest being alive pay for my lack of strength. I am so horribly ashamed of it, and truly sorry, cause she certainly didn't deserve to be put in the middle of my misery. No one does.

But at least I learned from it, cause now I know I'll never take anyone down with me when I fall ever again. The next time I stumble - and I know it'll be a next time - I'll simply go down alone. Cause that'll hurt less than what it does when I know I've hurt someone else with my problems. Especially when it's someone so dear to me.

But, that put behind, we did go out for a drink and I actually had a somewhat decent time. I felt like crap the entire evening, yes, but at least it felt good to be out and at least trying to have fun, if nothing else. It was the day after, my actual birthday, that really ruined me.

My dearest being was broken after the night before, and ended up going to her mother to stay the night there, so after my trip to town with mum I was left alone in an empty apartment that wasn't even mine. I'll be honest and say that it was absolutely horrible. On top of general birthday anxieties and the aftershocks of the night before and how my head got the best of me, I was now utterly alone in a place that wasn't even my home. I'll be honest; the thought of just ending things crossed my mind more than once. But, knowing that this wasn't my home, and that eventually the owner - my most dearest being - would come home and would have to clean up my remains, I managed to keep from it. Instead I packed up all my things, tidied the place up a bit, and made myself ready to move out and into my own apartment again. I found that to be the only solution to things.

So it was a horrible birthday. Really horrible. It's one that won't be leaving my mind in the nearest future, if at all. Though, of course, admitting this in front of anyone? Never. People have enough trouble with their selves, and I've sworn to never take anyone down with me ever again, so I'd rather just grin and bare it in front of them so not to burden them further with my problems. They need not worry any more than what they already do.



So, here I sit, alone in my own apartment - which, by the way, is a chaotic mess - and just wish with all my might that things could've been different. And I pray, I pray so hard, that I'll be able to stay here by myself and not end up doing something stupid. I need to fight my way through this, somehow, and hopefully emerge victorious at the end. What more can I do? It's been 26 years of misery, my life, so there really isn't anything to do but to keep fighting that misery. Maybe one day, I'll be allowed that happiness I've been seeking all those years. Or so, at least, I hope.

New year - old updates

It's been a while, hasn't it..? Yeah, I know..

We're well over in the new year now, and I'm praying with all that I've got that this new year brings entirely new things, because if I have to go through another year like the last one then I won't manage to live long. Last year nearly killed me, on several levels, and I just don't want to go through that again.


I can see the pain on the outside of me now. The face that meets mine in the mirror shows tired gray eyes, lifeless skin, and dead hair. I look tormented. Yet I have no idea what it is that torments me so. Is it the past year that took too much of me, is it the fact that I'm nearing my birthday and I'm having the yearly growing old anxieties, is it all the pain around me that has befallen my loved ones, or is there something else that I've yet to figure out? I have no idea. But the pain and depressions is so painfully obvious to me now, that it's even hard to breathe sometimes. My heart beats irregularly, leaving me gasping for breath, and the fear grasps my chest with claws made of cold steel. Something's terribly wrong. But I can't seem to see what...

I have finally agreed to be submitted for a long term treatment. The papers have been sent up north to the clinic they want me submitted to, and now we're just waiting for an answer to see when I have to go there. I honestly, truly and deeply don't want to. I am only doing this to please those around me that worry so much about me, so that I can lift the burden that is I from their shoulders. I know they're tired of worrying, and only want me to get the help they think they can't give me. I'm just too tiresome for them. But, the truth is, I'd rather not go. Hell, I'd do anything to be able to get out of this mess, and don't go.

I just wish I could someone find that speck of light within myself that I have lost, to gain the strength I need to battle all the pain that's around me, and inside me.

I see so many of my closest loved ones being in pain, and I wish so dearly that I could just take it all away. I truly don't want anyone to have to endure the pain they endure daily. I'd give anything to be able to take all that pain with me and just disappear from the world, allowing them to be free of all that pain. And allowing myself to finally escape mine...

It hurts. Deep inside me it hurts terribly.

And I don't know why.



When it comes to life in general, there really isn't much improvement to speak of. I'm still living with a friend of mine, putting my heavy burden on her already heavy shoulders, because I can't seem to live by myself. It is a bitter defeat to know that I own my own apartment, and yet can't seem to get myself to live there. I am stuck depending on others, like I always have. It's not that there's anything wrong with the apartment, cause it's a lovely little place, but it's just that my head's not being nice with me. As usual.

I'm doing weekly sessions with my doc, yet can't seem to find any significant improvement on that matter either. Still not working, so most days I sit in my friend's apartment and do absolutely nothing. Which is boring. But I can't find the energy to do anything about it. I am absolutely drained these days, for some strange reason, and I have times where I am so lacking in energy that it physically hurts to move. It's the strangest thing..

My head is filled with so many chaotic thoughts, and hundreds of ideas, yet I can't seem to do anything about it. Everything just swirls around inside, and I am completely unable to let any of it out. It's like all the exits are blocked by something. And it gives me a headache.

What am I to do?


I'm on medication - anti-depressives - and I do feel that they are working a little, but truth be told they aren't working enough. These days I feel like I'm falling further and further down a black hole of some sorts, and I am losing more and more of myself. On a daily basis I feel that just existing is painful, and I wish I could escape. But for the sake of those around me, I try to grin and bare it. I try to keep a mask on, so not to worry them further. I have caused them enough worry this past year, and they don't deserve to be put through any more of it. So I try, and I try, and I try. Even as I keep falling, I try to keep walking onwards. Maybe some day I'll finally make it out of this. Maybe.