Brainscanned

Today I kind of got too much on my mind, and it's not healthy for me.


Had the MRI of my head today, and it didn't quite go as I thought. I had no anxiety or anything, cause I'm really not claustrophobic or anything like that, so I had no real trouble lying still in there for 20 min. But, as I was lying there, waiting for things to be over with, I got real sad. I had this deep, strong wish that they'd find something, like a tumor or anything else, so I'd have an actual logical and physical for why my head's falling apart. It was such a tough wish to suddenly realize that I had, that tears started to fall as I lay there. It was painful, deep inside, but all I could do was just suffer myself through those 20 minutes and blink away the tears without a sound. It was the longest and hardest 20 minutes of my life...

When I got out, I got dressed, shaky and tired, and as we got out and waited for mom by the car, I sat down and let some more tears come. Both my friend - who had been kind enough to come with me - and my mom got worried, but I told them it was nothing and that I was okay. Now I'm just feeling sad. I've had the thought before, but I had no idea the wish was that intense, and finding that out as I was lying there was beyond painful. And real tough to swallow.


I also had an appointment at the psychologist today, and we finished a test we had started on the last time I was there. From what she could tell from that test - which is just a general overlook of symptoms - she could point out at least 8 different things that I scored highly under. But, taking into consideration my main issues, she could get that down to just 3 instead that they'd go deeper into. Bipolar, ADHD and something about some general personality disorder thing I can't quite remember what's called. We're gonna start investigating the last one next week, and see where that gets us. So yeah, at least it seems like we're slowly getting there.

I'm glad I'm under this investigation, but it's tiresome. And I'm scared. A part of me is afraid that I'll have to live like this for the rest of my life, and never be able to function fully at all. Or just be dependent on too much damned medication to be able to function. I don't think I'd be able to live like that. I'd take any other solution over any of those.


Another issue that's pretty big right now, and that's bothering me a lot, is my living situation. It's been on my mind all day, and I'm pretty frustrated right now. I went to see an apartment last week, and this weekend I was told that I got it so tomorrow I'm supposed to go sign the contract. But something's not right. I've had this strange feeling about the place ever since I went to check it out, despite the fact that it's a really nice place, and when I told my mom that I got it she bluntly told me to say no. She had a bad feeling about it. And, also, I'll be getting it one month before I'm due to leave the other apartment, so I'll have to pay rent double up that month. And I can't afford that. I don't have the money. So, the both of us have bad feelings about the place, and I can't even afford it, so everything in me is telling me to call them up and tell them that I can't take it after all.

But I can't do that. I need to get a place to stay, cause I can't keep living like this. Sure, I really do like staying with my friend and all, but in the end it's putting too much strain on her and I just can't do that anymore. But most importantly, my head's about to fall apart. I can ignore it all I want, but it's going there, and I don't think I can stop it. When that happens, I'll break completely and I just can't stand to have anyone see me break. I can't be living with my friend when that happens, both for my own and for her sake, so I have to get out of here.

In the end, I really don't know what to do. I haven't the slightest idea. And if I don't find a solution to this problem sometime today, then I'm just fucked. I tried calling them a short while ago, but they didn't answer the phone. Right now I'm standing in between things, and I'm ready to tip either way. I'd give anything to figure out what to do. It's all just so frustrating...


I know life isn't supposed to be easy, but does it really have to be this hard?

Coughcoughsneeze

I've been to the doctor today. Kind of actually forgot about that appointment, so when the note on my phone went off I got really stressed out. Especially since I was half asleep at the time, trying to get myself through a rather nasty flu that has kept me in bed for a week now.

I absolutely hate having the flu, cause it seriously kills me. My head's worse than ever, and my energy level is down below zero, so all I do is sleep and feel chewed on. I get worse than a man when I'm sick, seriously. I die.

But, yeah, I had my appointment at the doctor's. And it was no small appointment. Had to answer a lot of questions cause I'm going in to get my head scanned, and they had to weigh me and measure my height and stuff, and then they took a lot of blood samples and stuff, as well as measuring my blood pressure. And I'm going back in on monday to give some other samples, and then I'll be coming back again in July unless something happens and I get called in earlier.

I'm under serious investigation.

Still doing a lot of tests and answering a lot of questions when I'm at the psychologist, and so far I'm scoring under every single symptom their testing me for. Ain't that great? It basically means that at this point it looks like everything's wrong with me. But, we're just at the beginning of things, so hopefully we'll be able to narrow things down as we go. Hopefully.


Another issue to deal with is finding a new place to live. I can't keep staying with my friend like this, for several reasons, and I need to be out of my old place by the end of July. Which ain't far off now. But everything's so damned expensive, and I have the worst money situation ever, so I don't know what to do anymore. And we all know I can't just get a room mate, cause that would just drive me, and the unfortunate idiot, insane.

It's a real issue, and one I'm struggling with finding a solution to. Especially these days when I'm sick with the flu on top of everything else. I seriously feel like crawling in under a rock and just die, cause right now that would be the best thing ever. I'm way too tired, both physically and mentally, of everything to be able to deal with things any longer.

I'd give anything for some magical solution that could save me.

Updates to things

I've been doing good for a couple of weeks now. Well, good compared to how I've been doing these latest months. And compared to them, these weeks have been heaven for me. I've had energy, I've been in a reasonable mood - often even a great mood - and not so depressed, I haven't seen or heard anything I know isn't there in a while, I haven't "lost" myself and started straying in strange directions personality-wise. I've been doing good.

The only issue I've had is the same one I've had for a couple of months now, and that is that my wrists hurt. And I can't look at them, cause if I do then I start bleeding from them. It's not real or anything, but that's what my head tells me. It's disturbing, but I've learned to just ignore it and generally not look at my wrists. It's all good.

I learned, however, this weekend, that wine does not do wonders for my head. I've yet to have any real problems with alcohol when it comes to me seeing things, cause generally it has no effect on that, but apparently wine triggers things. I started getting iffy, and finally I had a small breakdown in my cousin's apartment. Not pleasant... My sister got really worried, and she had a friend of hers drive me home so I could sleep. I did feel a lot better the day after, except from one sudden flash of a vision that disappeared as soon as it came, but ever since I've been in a really strange mood.

And today it's really, really bad. I seriously feel like I'm PMSing, but I know I'm not cause I'm in the middle of having my period. And I'm cold as hell, freezing and having to light up the fireplace even though it's sunny and warm June outside, and I generally feel really iffy inside my head. It hurts, a lot, and I can feel things are muddling around up there. I kind of fear that I'll start seeing things sometime during the day, or in the next couple of days, and it's freaking me out. I want to go hide somewhere, like I always do when things start to slip, but I'm living with a friend of mine so there's no real place to hide. And if I do hide, she'll get worried and come look for me. And I just don't want to cause that trouble.

Another thing is that I don't want to eat. It's stupid, really, cause I really do want food and I am hungry, but there's some sick part of my brain that's refusing to let me eat. I'm fighting myself to do so! It's so ridicules, and it's freaking me out a little. I haven't had any trouble with my identity for a while now, with how I've felt like someone else have been taking me over, but right now it's starting to feel like that again. And I don't know how to deal with it!
I seriously DO NOT want to start feeling like that again, where I don't even know who I am, cause it is without a doubt the worst thing I've ever gone through. Nevermind the anxiety and the depressions, or the things that aren't there that are talking to me. Not knowing who you are, even when you know, is absolutely horrible. And it's so scary, you wouldn't even believe it.

So yeah, I'm a little worried today...

*

When it comes to my treatment, things are going slow.

Right now, I am just under a lot of investigation, cause they're not quite sure what's wrong. I've been tested for ADHD, though we haven't gotten the results from that yet, and that can explain a lot of my lack of focus and general issues about keeping up with the world around me. But that doesn't explain the rest of my problems... They're now looking up on Bipolar, cause that explains my constant swinging up and down, and how my mood can change so extremely fast the way it does. But again, that doesn't explain everything. They've talked about schizophrenia, cause apparently that makes you see or hear things... But, again, it can explain everything, and they're still testing. A friend of mine has some sort of Dissociative disorder or something - can't remember exactly what it's called - and she tells me that it fits me perfectly. Reading up on it, I can see that it does, indeed, fit my problems rather well, though not all of them.

Right now, I'm kind of worried that my problems aren't so simple as I imagined them to be. I'm starting to fear that there might be several things that are combined to make everything as bad as it is, and that freaks me out a little. One thing can easily be treated - I'd even be willing to resort to taking medication if that could help me - as long as it's just that one thing alone, but several things combined isn't so simple. There is no way in hell I am going to be combining lots of different medication to try and see if I can get my head to stand still for a moment, cause that I know will kill it.

There's just no way.

I signed my papers last week, and on them it said that I have 3 months of pure investigation ahead of me, where they'll check my head from every angle possible. I'll be going down to the hospital to get my head scanned, again, in case there's a chance all this can be caused by something physical on my brain (at this point I kind of hope there is, cause it'll be so much easier to deal with, and operate), and they're planning on taking a lot of blood samples to check as well, on top of all the tests I'm taking when I'm down talking to the psychologist once a week. As I said, they're really hitting this from every angle possible.

I suppose that's a very good thing, really, cause maybe then we'll somehow figure out what's wrong, and start to treat it properly so I can live a somewhat normal life. It's been a dream of mine for years now...