torsdag 19. august 2010

Changes

Things have been extremely up and down, to say the least. So many things have been going on in my life these past weeks, and I honestly don't even know where to turn anymore.

I'll start with the biggest news of all: I've bought an apartment!

Yes, you read correct. I've actually bought an apartment, just 3 days ago! It's so amazing, I still can't seem to wrap my head around it. I just got really lucky, somehow. There's a small apartment that was put up for sale a good while back, and it was a forced sale because the original owner got bankrupt. Now, the place had been out on the market for ages, and nobody wanted it, so the people renting the place had made a really low offer that got accepted by the people selling the place. Now, because this apartment is in a tenant-owner association we've got here in town, the rules state that when buildings they sell get an offer that's accepted, they have to go public with it and give other people a chance at it. See, the way things work is that when you're a member of that association you get specific number that dates to the exact day you became a member, and using that number you can go in on a sale like this and offer the amount that have been accepted. If your number is older than the number of the person that gave the original offer that got accepted, and no one else have an older number, then YOU'RE the one who actually gets to buy the place! It's called stepping into the bid, or something like that.

And yes, that's what we did. Mum had an older number than the people who originally made the offer, and she let me inherit it so I could use to to step into the bid and buy the apartment! So, I got the place at, not only half the price of it's original worth, but at 1/10 of the original worth! It's beyond super-cheap, and you just can't get anything better than that! It's just damned lucky, if you ask me.

Of course, it came at a bitter price, and it still kind of bugs me. The original buyers were the people renting there, and it became MY responsibility to throw them out. It was a hard thing to swallow, especially since I know that they were the ones I literally stole the place from, so going down there after things got settled was the worst things I've ever done. But they took it well, and told me they understood, and I got them a bottle of wine to at least try and ease a little bit of my conscience, and then they signed the contract that stated that they had 1 and a half month to find another place and move out.

This means that in October, I'll be moving into my first real home. MY home. And I get to paint the walls and do whatever I want with the place, cause it's MINE. I can't even begin to describe the feeling that thought gives me. Owning your first place... It's beyond amazing. Even though I feel bad about throwing out the young couple living there, I still feel really good about actually having a place to live. I have a home, and that's the one thing I needed the most in life right now.


This whole thing with the apartment just really saved me. I can't even begin to describe how down I've been, and how much faith I had lost in absolutely everything. And just how ready I was to just give up... I still feel really down, and a part of me still want to give up, but at least now I have some stable ground beneath my feet. I needed this, more than anything, and without it I'm not sure I'd be alive right now. Everything else in my life is so damned uncertain, and I feel more alone now than I have ever done before. That empty hole inside me that's been there my entire life, as if a small part of my soul have gone missing, or have never even been there, have grown bigger. It has turned into a giant black hole that's just sucking up everything inside me and leaving me hollow. I'm not even sure it's painful anymore.

I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I can't seem to write, can't seem to draw, even if the ideas are there, and all I do is sit and stare at the wall. I've tried reading, and these past two days I've completely three books, yet I still don't feel any type of satisfaction. I've tried watching anime, but even that has just gotten boring. I don't even feel like gaming, and I'm certainly not up for chatting with people so I'm not too active online either.

I know it's probably the depression, cause these things doesn't let go just because I get one happy news. It'll probably take some time before I can manage to properly stand up again, and get away from that edge. Cause even though that apartment was the rope that saved me just in time before I fell down, I still have the trauma of almost falling looming over me like a black cloud. I've never been so down before, like the way I was last week and the week before that, and it feels as though a small part of me died and will never come back. It's a horrid feeling, really, and I hate it. But what can I do..?

At least this apartment is something good for me to focus on. I finally have some stable ground beneath me, something to build on, and it gives a good foundation. It might help me to stay strong and rebuild myself, and it's something I need more than anything right now. I've been praying for so long for something to come and save, for something I could stand on so that I wouldn't fall, and this just might be the answer to those prayers.

I'll cherish it, that's for sure. My first real home, and it's mine.

søndag 1. august 2010

Hitting a new low

And breaking the record of being down...


I'm completely broken. Things couldn't really be worse right now, and I'm so tired and depressed that all I can think about is how I can escape this. I'll take anything, as long as it'll take me away from this world, from this life. I just can't take it anymore.

And things started out so good. I had spent most of the week up at a cabin and just enjoyed everything, in great company, and was finally starting to feel a bit positive again. Me and my best friend made plans on going out Friday night to have one tequila and a beer before heading to her place, and my family made plans on going to the movies before I went out and met my friend. The day started out great, the movie was really cool, and me and my friend had a good time at the bar. We had that tequila, then grabbed a beer, and sat down to talk to some friends of hers. I really enjoyed myself!

But, of course, it didn't last. Some men started getting a bit too close for my comfort, and there were just too many people around me on top of me starting to get a little too drunk, so my head started to act up. I got scared, really scared, and I could feel my entire body threatening to break down on me, and yet those damned guys wouldn't leave me alone. My friend had met up with someone she knew, and she was way too busy with him to notice that anything was wrong, so I just sat and struggled with it for a long time and hoped things would pass. But they didn't. And so I ran outside, just to get some space, and broke down. I sat on some stairs, in a corner, and cried, when one of the guys that had been a bit too close for comfort came after me.

He wouldn't leave me alone, and just talked about how he was so rich and was gonna open up a club or something and that he wanted me to be with him. I tried to tell him that I needed to be alone, and asked if he could please tell my friend that I had gone outside so she wouldn't get worried, but he just told me that she had already seen that I had left, and that she had been too busy with that friend of hers to even care. It hit me like a rock, but I tried to just shrug it away and think to myself that she'd probably call or text me when she wanted me to come back again, and then told the guy to please go inside and that I'd follow after a while. He tried to kiss me several times, and I kept trying to shove him away, before he finally left. And I got really scared again.

So I ran. I ran as fast as I could, crying, and just looked for someplace to hide.

I ended up at the graveyard, by my great grandmother's grave, and just collapsed there. I was so scared, so lonely, and I was just praying that my friend would start to miss me and call me to ask where I was. But I heard nothing. So I sat there until I fell over and just couldn't get up anymore, and an hour passed like that. Eventually I managed to get to my feet, and I started walking back into town, not even sure where I was supposed to go. I couldn't go back to the bar, cause that guy could still be there, and I couldn't get myself to call my friend cause she had obviously just forgotten about me since I hadn't heard from her at all. So I just walked, aimlessly, freezing my damned ass off, and somehow ended up walking straight on to a girl I've never seen before. She felt so sorry for me and wanted to keep me company, and to call the emergency scenter so they could help me, and so she followed me down to the taxi station and sat with me there for a while. I told her that I had nowhere to go, and what had happened, and she was so upset on my behalf. She was a really kind person, and it felt so good to feel that warmth.

Eventually, I decided to try and see if I could find the spare keys to my grandparent's house, since they're away, and we started walking in that direction. We said good bye at the gas station, cause she was going somewhere else, and I started walking towards my grandparent's house, which is also where my friend lives. Then, after a while, I saw my friend on the road ahead of me, talking on the phone. I hurried to catch up with her, suppressing the bitterness I felt about her going home without even telling me since we had agreed on me staying the night at her place, and just wanted to talk and feel better about things since I was really depressed. And she got upset with me, asking where the hell I had been. I got so surprised by her reaction that I could hardly speak at all, so I just stammered something out and hoped she'd calm down. And then she just told me that this couldn't work anymore, and it became so clear by her tone that she just couldn't stand me anymore and wanted me to just get away from her. She didn't want anything to do with me. I just stopped, feeling the world crumble down around me, and all I could do was swallow the pain and just nod and whisper okay. And then I turned around and started walking as the tears couldn't be held back anymore. She didn't bother to stop me, and just quickly left the scene. I was alone.

I collapsed a bit down the road, too empty to even cry anymore, and wondered where I was supposed to go. My parents had told me not to come home in the middle of the night and wake them, and my best and only friend had just made it clear that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore, so I had nowhere to go. It was raining, it was cold, and I had nowhere to go. There and then I promised myself that I wasn't going to live like this anymore. I wasn't going to live at all. I have no place here in this world, and it's time to leave it.

I remembered that I had the key to an empty apartment that I had been bidding on, and I slowly made my way there. The place was empty, cold and dark, but at least it was inside and away from the rain. I locked myself in and hid in the corner in the bedroom, and I sat there the rest of the night and the morning. Nine hours passed, and I just sat in that corner, with a knife against my wrists. I wanted to badly to just disappear, like I had promised that I'd do, but I chickened out. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid of the pain, and I knew that I didn't want the last thing I ever felt in this world to be pain. I've had enough of that already...

I thought I would freeze to death. Kind of hoped I would. But I didn't. I just sat there until the night had passed and the day started. It was around noon that I finally dragged myself to my feet and made my way out of the apartment and started walking towards town. I felt like I was walking in my sleep, or as if I had moved outside of reality. That feeling... I've never been in so much pain before. Never.

I called one of my sisters, asking if she was at work, and then walked over to see her. I looked like a damned mess, and she came out to greet me as soon as she saw me approaching the store. She just hugged me, then dragged me off to see my other sister. She took one look at me, then grabbed hold of my hand and the two of them dragged me into an office to talk to me. They both looked as if I had just been kidnapped, raped and nearly killed when they looked at me. I suppose I kind of looked like it... So I told them what had happened, and that I didn't know what too do or where to go, and they told me to go home to my parents. It was the best solution. I knew they were right, but it felt so painful. I didn't want to see anyone. I just wanted to go to sleep somewhere, and never wake up. But I just nodded and silently agreed with them, and then I walked up to my parents' house.

I slept the rest of the day, and when I didn't sleep I just stared into the wall. I had nothing else to do. No energy, no will to even breathe. Then they called me from the real estate agency and told me that my offer had been declined. I wasn't going to get the apartment I had been bidding on, and that I had spent that one cold and lonely night in. I had no hopes of getting a home after all... And that just took the rest of what had been left of my will to exist. My mother came down and asked me to please eat something, so I walked upstairs and had a small bite of their leftovers before going back downstairs to sleep again. And here I've stayed.

I'm so broken, and it hurts so badly inside of me. I feel so hated, so unwanted, and all I want is to just get away from everything. I wish I had tried to explain things instead of just leaving when she got mad at me, but would it really have made a difference? She's obviously mad at me, sick of me, or else she would've called me or texted me by now. But she hasn't, so I know that her outburst wasn't just the alcohol talking. She's just sick of me. So now I am alone, and I am homeless.

Never before have I been so without a will to exist. Before I just wanted to leave this world, and find another one. Now I just want to die.

What else can I do..?