Is what I am.
I've now officially moved out of my old apartment. Or, I did so yesterday. Did the last of the cleaning and handed over the key, and then drove off with the remaining things I had there. Now I am officially homeless. All of my things are packed in boxes and stashed away, and I have my most used clothes in suitcases and my papers in a backpack or two, and I am taking up the bed in the basement at my parents' house... I have no home.
My mum wants me to feel at home at their place, and stay for as long as I need to, and I'm really grateful for that, but it's still not my home. I'm still living in suitcases and boxes. I can't unpack my things, settle in, make any roots. It's not my home.
I'm watching the house while they're away on vacation, so right now I've got the place to myself, but it still doesn't feel right. It's nice to have an entire house at my disposal, but I'm still just borrowing it. I'm just temporarily crashing here cause I have nowhere else to stay. No other bed to sleep in.
I wish so badly that I had a secure place to call my home. Some firm ground beneath my feet.
There is absolutely nothing to rent in this town. The few places there are, are either shady places owned by some rather questionable people, or really expensive places that I can't afford. And neither can I take up a loan so I can buy myself a home, cause I don't have a proper income. Because of my health - my mental health - I can't have a proper job, and thus I have no money. And because of this, I get no help. No chance of getting a loan so I can get a home.
Had I been a drug addict, or an alcoholic, then they would've placed a home in my lap, or even the money to buy me a home. But no, I have a mental condition, and that's not the type of illness that the Norwegian health care system prioritize. I'm practically worthless to them.
That's how great the system is.
So now I'm homeless, a 25-year-old crashing at my parents' place, while I'm crossing my fingers and desperately hoping that something good'll come my way so that I can finally sit down and just relax. And have a home.
*
My mental condition? Falling apart. This week have been a really hard week, with a lot of turbulence, and way too many things to take in and to think about. Moving out of my apartment and into suitcases. Desperately trying to get help so that I can get myself a home. And so many other things I'd rather not even mention. I can feel my head cracking under all this pressure, and I have no idea what's keeping it all together right now. I can't count how many times I've had to pull myself really hard together so that I didn't fall apart these last couple of days. How many times I've had to swallow my tears away and just bite down to be able to keep going.
I'm so tired. I just want to give up. I just want to go to sleep, and never wake up.
I honestly have no clue how long I'll be able to keep this up and keep on going before I fall apart. I've been so dangerously close to that edge so many times now, that I am tempted to just jump from it and get it over with. Whatever it is that keeps me going, sooner or later I'll run out. And that's when things'll blow up in my face.
It would be nice, though, going out with a bang.
torsdag 15. juli 2010
mandag 5. juli 2010
Where am I now?
Completely lost.
Okay, so I ended up turning down the apartment I had been offered, mainly because I couldn't afford to pay rent on two places for one month. Unfortunately, this left me with no place to live and another big worry on my mind. But since I had been determined to move out of my friend's place, I ended up going back to the apartment I'm renting now so that I could focus on my packing and allow my friend to be rid of me so she could relax. I suppose it's the best solution I could've found.
So far I've been here a weekend, and I'm still not settling in to being alone after living so many months with someone else. It's weird, and I'm more lonely than ever, so I'm guessing that's why I can't sleep at night and have nothing but nightmares. I suppose I just need a little time to get used to being on my own again...
Now, anyway, I'm going to pack all my things within a week, and then get my stuff moved into my parents' garage, so I can move out of here by the 14th this month. If I can manage that, I'll only have to pay half rent, and I can live with my parents until I get a new place to live. That'll work out fine the first week, since they're going to Denmark on vacation, and it'll be okay the second week when they get back home. But after that, I'll start going nuts and going on their nerves, so I really can't be staying long. I NEED to find another place to live, soon. It's a rather big issue in my life right now.
My headaches are getting worse again, but I'm thinking it's because of the stress related to me moving and worrying about where I'm supposed to go next. At least I finally got that physiotherapy appointment my doctor ordered me to get, so maybe that can help me get rid of these headaches. They're seriously driving me insane.
My mental health this past month have been something to struggle with, unfortunately. I keep "falling out" and randomly not knowing where I am. And more often than ever do I find myself looking around me at the area I'm in and not recognize it. I mean, I know the place, yet I can't remember having seen it before. It's like I'm suddenly somewhere else, and every atom in my body tells me my head is right about that, which is scary. One thing is when my head starts telling me things. Another entirely is when my feelings and everything else in my body agrees. That's when things start to freak me out.
I haven't really seen anything that isn't there in a while, though I've heard some small things every now and then. Mostly just voices and music, but I'm hoping it's just my ears developing super-hearing so that I can hear stuff from other people's houses or something.. So, yeah, on that area I'm doing rather good.
Had a small episode of nearly falling apart last week, but I managed to gather in a source of strength and pull myself together. I struggled, I did, but for now it seems as though I'm winning and managing to keep myself from tearing apart. Only iffy thing is, that ever since then I've been in need of constant focus to make sure I can keep those threads together, which is strengthening my suspicions that at one point I won't be able to pull myself together and I'll just end up tearing apart completely. And that's not a pleasant thought...
I'm really tired now, and I can feel that I am starting to get depressed again. I'm trying to keep it together, but it's so hard when I'm standing on so much unstable ground. And my mood is going in strange directions again, which is really hard to try and keep a lid on. There are so many things within me that just want to explode now, and trying to keep it in is taking all the energy that I have, and more. And it's waking up certain things I don't want to wake up. GO BACK TO SLEEP, FREAK!
Yeah, it feels like I'm standing between frequencies, and not quite within any of them. Like I'm not really a part of this reality, but not part of any other reality either. The world, when I look at it, doesn't appear real to me. It doesn't even feel real. Like I'm in the wrong place, lost, and that I need to get out of here, but I don't know how.
I'm holding on to the few things that have helped me keep my sanity these past months with everything I've got, but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up before I slip and fall, and loose my grip. I don't even know what I want, or need, anymore, and I find myself shouting nothing at the emptiness. It's completely fucked up, and without any sense at all, yet it's my world right now.
Yeah, see? This is how much sense I manage to make right now.
I haven't been sleeping well, and it messes up what little focus that I have.
If I can just find a place to live, and manage to settle in proper there, then I'll be satisfied. That'll give me some stable ground to stand on, and I desperately need that right now. Just the tiniest fragment of something stable will be enough to anchor me from falling over that edge, so it'll be welcomed with open arms if it appears before me. But, of course, what I wish for the most is a home. That'll be the most stable ground I can have at the moment, so naturally it's what I'd want the most.
And, if I have that stable ground beneath me, then maybe I can allow my head to just fall apart so I can rebuild things again. For all I know, that could be the solution I've been needing to try and fix things inside me. Patching up things when they tear, over and over again, doesn't fix things. But making something new, can. So this have been my plan for a long time now, and I've been plotting with myself to see how I can make that work, and studying myself a bit. It probably sounds extremely stupid, but at least it gives me something to focus on. And right now I'll take anything that can keep me from loosing my grip on the threads that are keeping my head together.
~
"Meteor Shower" by Owl City is on my mind a lot, though I have absolutely no one to dedicate it to. I suppose it's just my feelings telling me that I desperately need at least something, even if I don't know who or what. Either way, it's a nice song I listen to a lot these days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUhI-qvbisQ
Okay, so I ended up turning down the apartment I had been offered, mainly because I couldn't afford to pay rent on two places for one month. Unfortunately, this left me with no place to live and another big worry on my mind. But since I had been determined to move out of my friend's place, I ended up going back to the apartment I'm renting now so that I could focus on my packing and allow my friend to be rid of me so she could relax. I suppose it's the best solution I could've found.
So far I've been here a weekend, and I'm still not settling in to being alone after living so many months with someone else. It's weird, and I'm more lonely than ever, so I'm guessing that's why I can't sleep at night and have nothing but nightmares. I suppose I just need a little time to get used to being on my own again...
Now, anyway, I'm going to pack all my things within a week, and then get my stuff moved into my parents' garage, so I can move out of here by the 14th this month. If I can manage that, I'll only have to pay half rent, and I can live with my parents until I get a new place to live. That'll work out fine the first week, since they're going to Denmark on vacation, and it'll be okay the second week when they get back home. But after that, I'll start going nuts and going on their nerves, so I really can't be staying long. I NEED to find another place to live, soon. It's a rather big issue in my life right now.
My headaches are getting worse again, but I'm thinking it's because of the stress related to me moving and worrying about where I'm supposed to go next. At least I finally got that physiotherapy appointment my doctor ordered me to get, so maybe that can help me get rid of these headaches. They're seriously driving me insane.
My mental health this past month have been something to struggle with, unfortunately. I keep "falling out" and randomly not knowing where I am. And more often than ever do I find myself looking around me at the area I'm in and not recognize it. I mean, I know the place, yet I can't remember having seen it before. It's like I'm suddenly somewhere else, and every atom in my body tells me my head is right about that, which is scary. One thing is when my head starts telling me things. Another entirely is when my feelings and everything else in my body agrees. That's when things start to freak me out.
I haven't really seen anything that isn't there in a while, though I've heard some small things every now and then. Mostly just voices and music, but I'm hoping it's just my ears developing super-hearing so that I can hear stuff from other people's houses or something.. So, yeah, on that area I'm doing rather good.
Had a small episode of nearly falling apart last week, but I managed to gather in a source of strength and pull myself together. I struggled, I did, but for now it seems as though I'm winning and managing to keep myself from tearing apart. Only iffy thing is, that ever since then I've been in need of constant focus to make sure I can keep those threads together, which is strengthening my suspicions that at one point I won't be able to pull myself together and I'll just end up tearing apart completely. And that's not a pleasant thought...
I'm really tired now, and I can feel that I am starting to get depressed again. I'm trying to keep it together, but it's so hard when I'm standing on so much unstable ground. And my mood is going in strange directions again, which is really hard to try and keep a lid on. There are so many things within me that just want to explode now, and trying to keep it in is taking all the energy that I have, and more. And it's waking up certain things I don't want to wake up. GO BACK TO SLEEP, FREAK!
Yeah, it feels like I'm standing between frequencies, and not quite within any of them. Like I'm not really a part of this reality, but not part of any other reality either. The world, when I look at it, doesn't appear real to me. It doesn't even feel real. Like I'm in the wrong place, lost, and that I need to get out of here, but I don't know how.
I'm holding on to the few things that have helped me keep my sanity these past months with everything I've got, but I don't know how much longer I can keep that up before I slip and fall, and loose my grip. I don't even know what I want, or need, anymore, and I find myself shouting nothing at the emptiness. It's completely fucked up, and without any sense at all, yet it's my world right now.
Yeah, see? This is how much sense I manage to make right now.
I haven't been sleeping well, and it messes up what little focus that I have.
If I can just find a place to live, and manage to settle in proper there, then I'll be satisfied. That'll give me some stable ground to stand on, and I desperately need that right now. Just the tiniest fragment of something stable will be enough to anchor me from falling over that edge, so it'll be welcomed with open arms if it appears before me. But, of course, what I wish for the most is a home. That'll be the most stable ground I can have at the moment, so naturally it's what I'd want the most.
And, if I have that stable ground beneath me, then maybe I can allow my head to just fall apart so I can rebuild things again. For all I know, that could be the solution I've been needing to try and fix things inside me. Patching up things when they tear, over and over again, doesn't fix things. But making something new, can. So this have been my plan for a long time now, and I've been plotting with myself to see how I can make that work, and studying myself a bit. It probably sounds extremely stupid, but at least it gives me something to focus on. And right now I'll take anything that can keep me from loosing my grip on the threads that are keeping my head together.
~
"Meteor Shower" by Owl City is on my mind a lot, though I have absolutely no one to dedicate it to. I suppose it's just my feelings telling me that I desperately need at least something, even if I don't know who or what. Either way, it's a nice song I listen to a lot these days.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BUhI-qvbisQ
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