My health problems

I've been troubled for years, really, with a lot of different things. I can't really say that I know what it's like to be free of troubles and feeling perfectly happy about things, but in this day and age - who can? I suppose it's what's normal now.

Physically, the most annoying troubles would be the headaches. Or, I suppose I should say headache, and not headaches. It's one constant headache, and I've had it for so many years that I can no longer remember what it's like to not have a headache. I'm so used to it, I hardly even notice it anymore. It's just growling in the back of my head like a locked up mut that's mad with rabies or something. Just your everyday normal and pleasant company, right? Annoying background music that you're somewhat used to, and every now and then it gets turned up so loud that you can't ignore it anymore and you're left yelling at the damned thing to shut up. So, yeah, used to it, somewhat.
But it drains a lot, unfortunately. When your head is constantly hurting, trying to focus on something for a long time just makes it flare up and try to kill you as punishment for making it work. It's no fun, and it makes you very tired and upset. I'm very often in a bad mood, and most of the time it's the headache causing it.

There have been many attempts to find out what's causing it.
Tense muscles - the most common theory. I'm always very tense, so it's not a bad theory, and it's probably one of the many factors that are behind this constant headache, I'm sure.
Sensitive eyes - also a good theory. My eyes are light-sensitive, so I have special glasses that go dark when it's light out because of it, and staring at white or light backgrounds on TV, the computer, or books makes my head hurt. So, yeah, good theory.
Sensitive eardrums - another good theory. My eardrums are very sensitive, and they can detect even the slightest vibration, so I hear very well. I don't hear what people say to me, but that's an entirely different matter. Mainly, I just am incapable of sitting or standing in something that's moving, be it vehicles or carousels or even swings or office chairs. I get insanely sick and want to throw up my own brain. Wee.
Something wrong with my brain - failed theory. They've scanned me, and apparently I'm all good. Physically.

Yeah.
Basically; many good theories - no good final answer.

I also have a stomach ulcer. Probably caused by stress, which is also a good factor to count in with my headache, and it's painful. But, I've learned to live with it, and I've got medication for it, so I'll be fine. It's not the worst problem I have, so I can't be bothered crying over it. Gotta save that energy for other things.

I'm generally used to being in physical pain. There's always some part of me that's hurting. My head, of course, being the one thing that never stops hurting, and then there's the stomach as well. There are also the usual back pains, since my back has this stupid swing to it, and many other minor things that are too worthless to mention. Just drops in the ocean, really.

But, these physical troubles aren't my real problem.
They're just extras.
And most of them are probably caused by the real health issues that I have.

My mental health.

I've always seen things, my entire life, but usually they have been actual things. You know, supernatural things. The ability to sense such things have been in my family a long time, so it's not strange to me. I sense energy, see house elves, stuff like that. But the main important thing about all that is that supernatural things come with a feeling. I get this feeling inside me that tells me that this is something supernatural, so I know that that's what it is.
But, for some reason, I see other things as well. Not supernatural things, and not real and actual things. They are things manufactured by my head, and they aren't really there. And I know that, because these things doesn't come with the feeling the supernatural things come with. There's nothing. Only the knowledge at the back of my head that this isn't real. I am seeing it, hearing it, but it's not real.

For long periods, I've managed to ignore these problems, and go about my life as normal, but every now and then it acts up and I start seeing and hearing things. I've had certain periods where it's been very bad, and I've started to lose touch with reality. Those periods scare me. I had a very bad one around 6-7 years ago, when I was around 18-19 years of age, where I heard a lot of strange things. Didn't really see much back then, but I heard a lot. Constant voices in my head, talking to me, bothering me when I was trying to work and do normal things out in public. It was a nightmare. But, eventually they faded, I think. Can't really remember, to be honest.

When I turned 20, a lot of things snapped in my head. I shut myself in for two weeks, and the rest of the year I drifted between functioning semi-normal and just being plain insane. I was good at hiding it, though, so not many knew. But, I wasn't much present during that time. I can hardly even remember it. I just remember the bits and pieces and the times where things got really bad and I did a lot of weird shit when I lost control. I woke up in strange places, not even knowing how I got there, and I had strange wounds I couldn't even remember what had caused. It was a rather scary period in my life, and I quite often feared that something inside me would just take over and go berserk before killing me. A silly thing to fear, but it was quite real to me.

I've had depressions. On and off for years.
And anxiety issues. Panic attacks, social anxiety, stuff like that.
I've been on medication for both things, but stopped after a while.
I don't really like medication.

A year ago, I was checked for ADHD. I went through a lot of tests, and I got a lot of "positive" feedback. They had a very strong theory that ADHD could be the cause of most of my problems. I started reading up on things, and found that the general description of girls with ADHD did fit me. Especially how I can't seem to focus, ever, and how I shut the real world out cause I can't keep up with it. It explained a lot. If I had it, then that could pretty much frame this chaotic portrait I had been painting for years, and maybe even hang it up on the wall.
Of course, just my luck, I never got the results from that. We keep calling and nagging them about it, but no results. I'm just left hanging, with nothing to go on. Annoying, but what can one do? I suppose we just gotta keep trying to haul those results out of them.

About a year ago is also when things started to slide out again.

I had been fine for a long time, with not too many mental troubles. I was coping, moving on with my life, moving back to my home town again, getting back into the old habits with an old friend of mine, which really meant the world to me. Stuff looked to be going well.

And then it starts sliding.

I tried to ignore it, tried to fight it. Tried to pretend as if nothing was wrong. But, I suppose my life took a couple of wrong turns, and a couple of things went bad. I lost some things I didn't wanted to lose, and I hit a rather nasty wall. Half a year ago, or so, my head started to crack again. The breakdowns returned, I started seeing and hearing things again, the depression and anxiety flared up worse than ever, and I was starting on a rather nasty downwards slide. Then, earlier this year, things finally snapped. Entirely.

I don't know what happened. It was just something inside my head that finally cracked open, and I started falling apart at the seams. I started seeing things more often, and more intensely, and I got these random breakdowns all the time that I couldn't control. And then I started falling out.

I have moments where I'm gone, and I look around me and don't know where I am. I can't recognize anything, even though I try to tell myself that this is familiar. I know this. But it doesn't help, cause I'm just lost and confused. And then I started losing myself. For long periods, I have no idea who I am. Not in the sense that I can't remember my name or anything, but in the way that I look at who I am and I speak my own name, and it's all completely alien. There is nothing familiar about it, at all. Things I've loved for years seem wrong somehow. I'm not even sure I like it at all. Feelings I've had just disappear. Do I even feel that way? It's all gone, and I'm blank. I don't know who I am. My name holds no meaning, the things I've used to define who I am are all alien to me, and I can't feel anything. I'm gone.

And then, suddenly, I feel an attraction to things I've never liked. I can't stand mustard, and one day I couldn't even eat my own dinner without having mustard on it, and it tasted great! The chocolate snickers make me throw up cause I can't eat anything with peanuts or nuts in it, and yet I craved it like hell and couldn't eat enough of it. It tasted so good. I couldn't wear any of my jewelry, cause it felt wrong, and instead I started searching out other rings and necklaces I normally wouldn't wear. I wanted gold, even though I prefer silver. And the colours. I had to wear clothes of colours I've never liked, cause everything else felt wrong. It was like an entirely different person started to take control of my head, and I started moving in an entirely different direction. Everything changed! Even my behavior, I was told.

Now I am fighting.

My head is a battleground, quite literally, and there is never any peace in there. Ever. I feel like I am sitting in a corner inside my own mind, scared shitless, and just watching everything fall apart without being able to do anything about it. I don't even know what's happening. I've lost every last bit of control that I once had, and now it's all just sliding off the cliff.

I see things I know aren't there, and I panic. I freak out, and then I break down. Even though I know it's not real, and I know there's nothing to fear, I still can't help it. I just lose control, and the panic takes over. They place images in my head, random ones, and shutting my eyes doesn't make it go away. The images are still there, and they aren't pretty. Often, they are suggestions about things I should do, and they aren't pleasant suggestions. It's NOT things I want to do. I get ideas, placed in my head. And then I get scared. Like how a puddle of water is a portal to another dimension so if I walk over it I'll get sucked in. And that if I stand at at a certain place in a room, or walk past it, something will show up out of nowhere and eat me. And that if I look in the mirror, the mirror will lie to me and show me something that isn't real. It's all just insanity, yet I can't fight it. And I fall out, lose myself, and walk around confused. I don't recognize things I've known my entire life, cause they're all so alien. Like they belong to someone else. And I can feel several things in my head, fighting to take control and drag me off in some direction. And there are too many different directions. And I'm scared.

Inside my own head, I'm screaming. Crying for help, praying that something or someone can come save me from it all. Wishing so badly that whatever it is that's pulling at my seams will stop before I fall completely apart. I don't want to torn apart inside my own head. I ask, over and over again, every day, "who am I?" and still I find no answer. I don't know. And I don't want to sit down and try to think out who I am, and what I want. I just want to feel it, and know it. I just want to be me, and be in control of me. But I'm not.

I run so quickly between so many different emotions, and I have no idea where to settle. I feel fear the most, along with sadness and anger. It's strong, and constant, and it's all I have to stand on. There's no stable ground around me, or inside me, and I don't even know what it is that keeps me standing up anymore.

The doctors try to diagnose me, but they can't seem to figure out what's causing all this. My family and friends are all worried to death because of all this, and none of them know what to do. I can't go out in public, cause I'm too afraid that my head will slide out again and I'll have an episode of some sort and freak out. I can't do anything at all, cause I'm simply too sick.

I am seriously and quite badly sick.
And it's all in my head.

I'm just going insane.